8/27/17

I've realized that you never love the same way twice. Your first love is always a naïve love, where you give your all and give them every inch of your being, your entire soul, your whole heart. You love them in the expectation that everyone loves the same way which is so incredibly untrue.

You love them with the thought that they could never hurt you, never mold you into their vision of perfect, when in reality you were perfect before you met them. You were born your type of perfect, which should be enough, but it's not for your first love. You lose a lot of yourself the first time you love someone that way, you lose most of yourself honestly. Until you become a sliver of who you were before they stomped into your life and completely turned it around. Before they made you question your every move. Before they made you question their every move. Before they made you question your humanity. Before you lost yourself in love. But when you realize that they're not your future, with their lies, and secret agendas. When you give up your first love, and truly let it go with no intention of returning to that dark place that was covered in in a false sense of sunshine and hope.

That is when you really find the dark because you're gone. Your entire being was taken away by someone who had no intention of giving themselves back to you to fill the empty bits of you. You close yourself off from the idea of ever falling in love again because you have to rebuild the you that your first love tore down. You have to work to find yourself and your own happiness again.

So you immerse yourself in your friends, family, studies, working out, drinking, drugs, whatever your vice is. You begin to think about where it went wrong and why it wasn't enough, which makes you hate yourself more because you can't seem to figure out the exact moment when things stopped being "OK." But the thing is, they were never OK, they were always a mess and you were not the one to make them that way, and really the other person wasn't either. It was just never meant to happen for the both of you.

And when you realize that, you allow yourself to heal and fix your broken pieces, slowly at first but then they seem to fall back together easily. Like they never broke and then you're whole again. You feel normal. The sound of their voice doesn't cross your mind, you don't wonder of how they're doing or who they're loving now. You just close up that chapter in your life and forgive, because you understand that you were always enough. You loved with everything you had and they just couldn't accept that love because they didn't know themselves.

But when you fall in love again, it will be a more guarded love. Because you must try not to lose yourself again. Because you're so afraid of that dark place you were stuck in for so long after your first love, and you will do anything not to go back. So you don't completely throw yourself into it, you keep your private business hidden away until you see that they will give to you what you can give to them. And when they show you that, you give them your all again, knowing this time your worth and to keep yourself together.

You love them without giving them pieces of you. You love them with the love they give you because that's the easiest way to stay out of that dark place. The second time you fall in love you will pray every single day that they do not turn out to be the exact same as your first love. But deep down you know they have intentions of loving you they way you love them. Which makes it easier. It will still be messy, there will still be arguments and moments where you question if you're going to get hurt again. But you have yourself this time. You are intact. Because you learned how to love yourself while loving someone else. Instead of just loving someone else and hoping they'll fill your emptiness. Because there's no longer emptiness there, your second love is so much different than your first.

You never love the same way twice.