A Beautiful Mess

Like most people in life, I thought I had met my soulmate in high school. I was a Freshman at the time thinking I had it all. Now I know what you're thinking. You are pretty young to be thinking this way about another person and you're absolutely right. I'm going to answer those questions that linger deep inside you. No, we did not have any sexual contact of any sort. This statement includes kissing and holding hands. See as a teenager, I did not have my first kiss till I was 15. This charming gentleman came out of nowhere and slipped into my life only for him to slip out the next year. Like Snow White and Prince Charming, he practically swept me off my feet and led me through what I call A Beautiful Mess.

In August of 2013, I was thrown head first into the high school life. I did not have an older sibling to help me in the halls, to help me with homework, or to help me with understanding boys. My mother used to tease me about finding a crush in high school. I did not make any social media, I did not explore the interwebs for fun, I found my fun in books. In my early schooling years, I did not talk about what girls were talking about. I talked about plants that grew in the jungle, I talked about the space dust that made up our planets. I would talk about things other than boys. There was nothing wrong with me of course, I just thought boys were overrated.

I will not use this boy's real name so we will call him Cecil. Cecil was in three of my high school classes: Weightlifting, Army JROTC, and Advisement. Cecil and I became best friends within the first week. We were both weird in our own ways and therefore rooted out of the popular kids. After 3 months of working together in class and spotting each other in the gym, like Forest Gump once said, "We go together like peas and carrots"

After the 4th month of our friendship, Cecil told me he liked me as more than a friend. The front door named reality swung open and hit me in the nose forcing me to the ground. After all this time spending three classes and lunch with him, I knew I liked him too. This is not the beginning of the beautiful mess. Not yet.

After Cecil told me his true feelings, I felt the same way but did not tell him. We were practically opposite of each other. Cecil was a charming southern boy who loved his horses and loved the outdoors. I was a girl who loved staying home and reading about the princess saving the prince. Cecil and I remained friends for 4 more months. On our 8 month of friendship, we decided to give it a try.

If I did not give this relationship a try, I would not be the person I am today. Cecil was caring. He was the utmost gentlemen. He carried my books for me and would never let me carry them. He called me every night on Facetime to stay up until I fell asleep. Cecil was my first relationship. He took me horseback riding, to the rodeos he participated in. Things were going amazing for the first 7 months of our relationship.

In the eighth month of our relationship, Cecil was the first one to say "I Love You." I remember it like it was yesterday. We sat inside his house with his family for Christmas. Cecil climbed up next to me and whispered into my ear that he loved me and was thankful for me. He gave me one of the most precious gifts he has ever given to me. A handmade necklace. This was no ordinary necklace. This necklace was not a heart-shaped gold chained necklace. This was a leather strapped bear tooth necklace. To many women, this sounds ugly, but to me, it was one of the most treasured things I own to this day. That night I did not say I love you. Instead, I got my first kiss.

Things continued to move smoothly the next few days until January rolled around. Cecil got tenser, he did not meet me after class, he started skipping school. Cecil texted me goodnight and did not FaceTime me afterward. Things got weird in January, it was like I was dating a stranger. Whenever I questioned his behavior he brushed it off or the question turned into an argument. Cecil did not ever hit me, he did not ever raise his voice. Instead, he would get quiet and hug me. Things got better between Cecil and me. On the 29th of January, I had a family emergency for which I had to leave town. I left town for a few days. I did not get a call, text, or FaceTime from Cecil. I was expecting a 'Happy Birthday' message the 2nd but I did not get it. When I returned back home I got the worst news any teenager would get.

Cecil committed suicide.

Cecil committed suicide February 3rd of 2015. When Cecil's mother came to my house and told me, I was shattered. I did not cry, I sobbed loudly. The gentleman that did not have to try, that did not have to kiss me to make me feel special was wiped off the surface of the earth in one night. Cecil did not leave me the last text, he did not leave the last voicemail. Cecil only left me a handmade necklace and a shattered heart. Cecil's mother told me he was going through a hard time in January. He was having problems trying to tell me he had enlisted in the military. Cecil was also being bullied online by multiple people. Cecil's mother said he did not want me to worry, so he did not say anything. His mother told me that for my birthday he was going to tell me about his enlistment. He would go in the summer after his junior year, and be back in time for senior year. He acted like everything was going to be alright. Now, everything is not alright.

I can't listen to country music without bursting into full sobs.

I can't look at his family without feeling empty.

I can't eat strawberry cheesecake because I think of the food war we had together.

I can't wear my cowboy boots anymore because his pair matched mine.

Cecil left a hole in my heart. A hole that can't be filled with food or cats.

On the day of Cecil's funeral I wore the necklace, I wore the promise ring, and I wore his stupid jacket. It did not matter to me that the camouflage jacket he wore 24/7 did not match the black dress. At the funeral, I met his entire family. I met his aunts and uncles. I met his grandparents and his cousins. I met the family I will never have. After the funeral, his mother gave me a box filled with Cecil's things I could have. Inside the box are things I cherish to this day.

• A wrapped present I will not open until I'm ready.
• A picture collage of Cecil when he was younger than the age of his death.
• Notes from our note passing days in class.
• Cecil's Enlistment Papers.

and finally, all the drawing from our charades game.

This box has given me hope. Although I lost Cecil, he will never be forgotten. I've been asked why I love space so much. Well you know how I said earlier we FacetTmed every night? I left out a minor detail. When we FaceTimed at night, we would look at the moon at the same time. The moon was always there for both of us. Every night since we were born to now, it's always been there. It was the same moon I saw 3 miles away from what he saw from his window. That's my Cecil watching me every night as I go to sleep.

This relationship is my beautiful mess. I've created so beautiful memories with Cecil and that's what makes it a mess. Because when I'm awake at three in the morning, and I think, where would we be right now? Would we be married? Would we not be together? Would we have the children his aunt joked about? These senerios are the only thing I have to my What Ifs. They are the mess I've created...

and they are beautiful.