A Big Struggle

So last year I started uni. And yeah, t'was a laugh and a half. Got drunk, met new people, did lots of work, got good grades and had fun. That's what we are told uni is like and yeah, it is. It really is. But I was never told how much of a struggle it was going to be. I lost friends, felt disconnected from my family and feel like an outsider during all my holiday time at home.

During my first semester of year one I became really ill. I didn't eat and slept most of the time because I couldn't stand the idea of cooking for myself or being awake for too much of the day being left with only my own thoughts. After my first holiday home when I returned to uni, I became a lot more independent and finally learnt how to cook things other than just pasta and cheese. But I couldn't deal with other things like stress, sleeping patters or not being close to the people I had grown up with. And that was hard.

Yeah I messaged people a lot at first, face timed them, called them the norm. But that ended up fizzling away pretty soon and I became super detached from pretty much everyone apart from a few select people. I had visits from people and that was amazing, like proper great. But nothing felt the same as it had when we were all at school together. Most of my friends were in the year below, or were retaking a year or didn't go to uni at all so I had to watch everyone's snapchat stories of when they were all meeting up or having fun. It was a dumb thing for me to get upset about, but I did get upset. Really really upset and jealous and I spent a lot of time crying myself to sleep, wishing I had never left my hometown.

But here is where it gets weird. I wouldn't wish away my uni life. I met some truly fantastic people and I love so many of them so much and I can't imagine my life without them. But I do wonder, what would have happened if I stayed home? Would I still be friends with everyone? Would I still be with the only person I had pictured my future with? Would I be happier?

My best friend from home had visited me so so much last year and it was awesome. But she also now works with one of our other friends and, once again, I have to see snapchat after snapchat of them together with all their other friends and yes, yes I know they can be friends and stuff I'm not saying that. But I do get jealous of them. A lot.

Then I had summer and I thought oh yeah this will be cool I'll have MONTHS with everyone and things will feel like normal again. I was wrong. So so wrong. They have all moved on with their lives and I felt like I was some stupid extra person whenever we all met up. I lost contact with my best friend, one of my other friends had begun going out with my ex and so much other stuff went down. And nothing was the same as it was before. And even though I was back in the place I thought I'd always feel happy and at home, I began to feel so much worse than when I was away from them all. I was isolated. The odd one out. They all seemed to have all these inside jokes and stories of the last year and I wasn't included at all. To make it worse I hardly talked to anyone from uni at all over the summer. So there I was; alone and hating life to the extreme.

And now I'm back at uni and everything is good. Except it's just not. My best friend doesn't talk to me AT ALL, she hasn't made any sort of interest in coming back to visit me, she didn't tell me she was going on holiday and I feel like she's forgotten me.

Now I shan't lie, I'm not saying it was all on them at all. I made mistakes and screwed up and I had expected them to have a life outside of me and to move on. I just never imagined it would go like this. And I really really really miss the life I had the year before uni ever started. Because now I've lost all of them; it does make me wonder am I even going to be friends with my uni friends two/three years from now? Will I have friends? And will I end up spending the rest of my life alone? As much as I'd like to imagine the best for my future, I have to be honest with myself. I will most likely lose touch with everyone I have ever met and yeah I'm probably gonna be alone. And I'd like to say I'll be fine with it, but as I've said I have to be honest and I'm not going to lie, I won't be fine.