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A Brighter Mind

All I have left to say to him is thank you for breaking my heart and making me stronger.

By Sam VillemairePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Coffee becomes cool, cigarettes burn out, the music stops playing, books come to an end, metals rust, conversations run dry, and sunlight dies; the same way that his affection made you feel loved, the way his words made you feel heard, his eyes made you feel existent...everything comes to an end. Why is it that when I think of him, I self-destruct and love myself a little less? With the slightest touch from his hand, my heart would cringe, but as a ghost from my past, he obliterates me, and the only way to deal with it is through alcohol that tastes like hell and drugs that mess with my mind. Every bit of hope was lost. I disregarded every moral that I believed in and stripped myself of any love that I've felt.

I was just a girl who would wear the brightest smile on her face during the day, but at night, rolling around in nothing more than a t-shirt, laying underneath the sheets beside the empty, dark side of my bed, I would admit my flaws and beg for a second chance. I craved affection and conversation with another human. I never wanted to be left alone with my uncontrollable thoughts, but any time someone approached me, I quickly ushered them away from my heart. I was no longer looking for a happy ending with someone, just the ending. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Instead, my chest caved in, my knees collapsed onto the bathroom floor, the constant buzzing got progressively louder in my head as tears rolled down my numb face. I couldn't help but blame myself for his unhappiness. I couldn't help but think about how much we could have intertwined instead of parting. Don't you dare tell me to "get over it." You are not the one engulfed in this sadness, crying at 5:44 on Tuesday morning, the only person who understands is me.

Every part of me was replaced with little pieces of him, slowly, day by day, I started finding those missing pieces of myself that should have stayed with me in the first place. I know I didn't deserve to cry myself to sleep or feel so empty for months upon months. I don't know when my heart will realize that he doesn't want me anymore, it's time I stop thinking about the boy who wasn't contented enough with what I gave to him. Failing at something that I wanted to see succeed has to be the most painful obstacle I've come across thus far.

Just when I thought my heart was closed for good, I started falling again, but this time for myself. I began to pick the dead flowers that he left growing inside of my heart and I started to throw seeds. Each day I watched as the seeds grew into small green buds, later developing into flowers that would give and maintain all the happiness and self-love that I needed. Before you know it, my soul will be so decorated and sunlight will arise from my smile. I'm just a girl who needs to stop being so hard on herself. I'm only a human who thought I needed another person's affection to heal my broken self when all of the love I ever needed was inside of me this whole time. I know now that everything comes to an end, including myself, but at least I will pass as a garden and he will admire the beautiful sight. No word is strong enough nor gentle enough to convey the love I feel for myself.

All I have left to say to him is thank you for breaking my heart and making me stronger.

breakups
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About the Creator

Sam Villemaire

Sam is a student from Canada who is fond of literature and writing, but also concerned deeply about the ecological issues that plague our planet. She hopes to cause awareness through empathy and spread the word of love for our home, Earth.

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