A Case of the Ex

The beginning of any relationship is always the most fun. The other person is full of life, and completely intriguing; we want to spend most [all] of our time around them. We are simply intoxicated by the thought, smell, taste, thought of them. They are everything, until they are not.

Then things start to fall apart. Well, more like the mask falls off, we relax, they relax, and it's all gas in the air. Jokes aside, it's often once the euphoria fades that the real work kicks in. That's when we have to decide whether we can stand the stench, or if a gas mask is the solution while you bolt in the opposite direction. If you decide that staying is the way forward, you both figure out how to navigate around each other's flaws until you eventually come to a place of realising that you no longer work anymore. You just don't click the way you used to.

"And so we've come to the end of the road" Boyz 2 men

Letting go is by far one of the hardest things to do, especially when we have been invested emotionally into a person/situation. Forgiveness is also another mountain that we don't really take much pleasure in climbing, as this means that we would need to accept what happened, and our part to play in the unfolding of the whole thing. Forgiveness of self is generally the first step towards letting go, but how can we do that when it is a million times easier to be a victim in every and any situation that arises? It's much easier to be an innocent bystander than to admit that not only were we present in the relationship, but we also played an active role by choosing to stay, and be part of something we knew was long over.

Blame is the number one reason why people struggle to move on and let go. The formula for hating the ex is simple, and this is what it looks like... lack of accountability + choosing to be a victim + holding someone else 100 percent responsible for our happiness = life long disdain for the ex. What we don't realise is that being bitter about the ex long after the relationship has ended is actually emotional baggage. This is the type of baggage that insidiously finds its way into every relationship. Here is something fun as well that we don't seem to have grasped yet: the more we are actively bitter about the traits the ex had, or what they did, the more we invite this same kind of person into our lives. Then we find ourselves basically in the same situation every time just with a different body opposite (or under, I'm just saying) us.

Don't get me wrong, there are some very unwell people in the world.

Sometimes, we are genuinely victims of some unscrupulous individuals. Life happens. Even in these situations, we have to be ready to forgive ourselves for not knowing, deciding to stay even after we knew, and forgive them. Some know what they are doing, some are just so caught up in their own hurt that they don't even realise that they are hurting others in the same way. Despite the common trend of hating on, and bashing ex's, it is actually okay to be friends with an ex, or to wish them well from the distance. To respect them despite the relationship not working out how you wanted it to.

“Without forgiveness and love, you will live with resentment, bitterness, malice, and strife, which results in more pain. You can never love without forgiving. Forgiveness deepens your ability to love, and frees you from pain.”― Kemi Sogunle