A Cheater's Apology

Here it is, with only a few more minutes left in Father's Day, and we are in a fight. A big one. We've been going strong for two and a half years and you never went through my phone. Until now. And I don't know how I could have been so stupid. You saw the messages exchanged between "Julia" and I, but as you read more and more, you realized "Julia" was really someone from my job who eased his way in when my brother passed away.

You did everything you could to comfort me. But Jeremiah—Julia—touched my heart in a way you couldn't. He'd been through what I was going through and knew exactly how to get me through my mourning. It started so innocent, but after six months, I began feeling emotions I thought were only reserved for you.

He was going through his own tests of life and called on me to express his frustrations. I met him in a hotel, not knowing that's where he had been living for the same six months he was comforting me from my loss. He told me how his girlfriend/baby mama had cheated on him and kicked him out to move her side nigga in. He was hurt, embarrassed, torn down, and vulnerable. I stepped to him to give him a hug, the first time we ever touched intimately. He pulled me closer, tightening his hug. I could smell his cologne, the one that secretly attracted me to him in the first place. He grabbed my face and kissed me so deeply and passionately, I had to force myself away from him. I knew you were at home waiting for me. I knew anything more would be wrong and could cause me to lose you. But the way he looked at me pierced my soul, and the feeling moved lower and lower to my pelvis. This was the hardest decision to make at that very moment. To walk out of that room and leave him alone to face his pain alone, unlike the way he did me, or continue allowing him to touch me and look at me—making me feel things that I haven't felt between us since the beginning of our relationship. That night, I made the right decision and left him there. I raced to you and we had the most passionate sex. That was the night you told me you'd never leave me, no matter what. That you wanted us to have a family, for me to be your wife, for us to grow old and grey, and that I meant so much to you.

The very next day, I walked to Jeremiah's cubicle and told him how sorry I was for running out on him and that he had to understand why. He knew about you. You're all I ever talked about. He looked at me and said he understood and was jealous of how lucky you were to have a woman leave when we both knew how bad I wanted to stay. The smile that was beginning to form quickly went away and we locked eyes. He told me to meet him in his hotel at seven and then walked away. To go or not go was on my mind for the rest of my work day and even after I got off. It was 5:30 and I was at home showering, still deciding to go to him or not. When 6:30 hit, I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.

Jeremiah must have known I would come because he greeted me in the lobby. We entered the elevator and as soon as the doors closed he grabbed me and started kissing me all over. The elevator went to the 12th floor and without any interruptions. He was touching me in places I promised you the night before were only yours. When we finally got to the 12th floor, I finger combed my hair and straightened my clothes out and walked as cool as I could to his room. My heart was racing, my temperature was rising; I knew what was next, and I was nervous. No one had me other than you the whole time we had been together, and now I was about to give myself to another man.

When we got to his room, he closed the door behind me and looked at me like I was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around him. We kissed slowly and seductively as he walked us to the the bed. He gently put me down and...I mean...you know. I really don't think I need to go into details. He entered me and when it was over, we laid together, tangled in each other. He ran his fingers through my hair and told me how great it was and confessed he had been wanting me since he saw me, but he knew how much I loved you.

Now fast forward to today and you're telling me how much you hate me and can't believe this shit. I promise I didn't want this to happen. I wasn't strong enough to tell him no and have been having an affair for about two or three weeks.

So much was going on with me juggling the both of you that I hadn't realized I'd been missing my period. When I realized, I thought it was just stress, but after a few more days, I decided to go see a doctor.

My OBGYN confirmed to me that I was pregnant; ten weeks. When I found out, I was so excited. I immediately told Jeremiah and ended everything with him and decided to wait until today, Father's Day, to tell you and surprise you. But once you found everything out a few days ago, you've refused to talk to me, and I don't know what to do or how to take it. The family we both had been wanting and dreaming about was in the making and you didn't even know. The biggest mistake of my life was about to cost me the future I had always dreamed about. I just want you to know, Marcus, I love you, and I never wanted to hurt you or us. I hope you can understand and come back to us. I'm sorry for everything.