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Abusive relationships are more common than I ever could have imagined. I've seen perfectly emotionally healthy people fall apart when getting into a bad relationship. The worst part is... they stay in the relationship. I have no idea how that gravitational pull works, but I can tell you that when you are the one in the unhealthy relationship... you never see it until you are out of the relationship! The real advice that people in an abusive relationship need is how to stop making excuses for their abusive partner's actions. People try to rationalize the bad behaviour of someone they love, and they justify it because of how sweet their abuser can be during good periods. It ends up making them lower their own value and accept their abuser's blame as a method of trying to prevent a physically or verbally abusive outburst.
It's important to make sure you don't isolate yourself from your family and friends when in a relationship... any relationship. If you find yourself already isolated while in a relationship... get help! Trying to stay in an abusive relationship is a terrible idea. It never works. Your abuser has done this before to lots of other good people. They have a playbook that lets them continue their behaviour without ever questioning themselves. The worst part is, I don't think they realize exactly what they are doing. They do it more for their own sake than to necessarily keep pulling their partner back into their maelstrom of crazy.
I know it is easier said than done to ''just leave" or to "get help." So don't beat yourself up if you haven't done it yet. Just keep thinking of ways to leave and why it is important. Under no circumstances should you ever "stay for the kids." It is better for them if you leave the relationship.
Nowhere Else to Turn...
Social Isolation: "a state of complete or near-complete lack of contact between an individual and society. It differs from loneliness, which reflects a temporary lack of contact with other humans".
The biggest danger that abusers pose is that they will try to socially isolate you by convincing you that other people are jealous of your relationship and wait for you to burn all your bridges until they are the only thing in your life. Once you have nowhere else to turn, they will really ramp up the abuse.
"I was in an abusive relationship. Thankfully, it was relatively brief and I didn't make any major poor life decisions, largely because I did not isolate myself from my friends. I have a trans friend who was catfished by an abuser and then continued their relationship even after she saw that the woman she was talking to was actually hideous (and I still believe she was lying about her age). She fell for a lot of the gaslighting and social isolation tactics that abusers employ. It nearly cost my friend a Master's Degree, but she was able to get rid of the abusive catfish and eat crow quickly enough to save her project." - Gary2305
"If I was going to my parents' house for the weekend he would suddenly get depressed or anxious and ask me to stay. If I was invited to a party, he would get upset and say it's dangerous. Before I knew it, I had no connection to my friends or family. Getting out of that relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The worst part is that... a part of me still loves him, but I know we aren't any good for each other." -Anonymous
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1 - 800 - 799- 7233
Remember, in an emergency you can always call 911.
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