A Definitive Ranking of All of My Tinder Encounters from Best to Worst

This is going to be so long, and I'm not even sorry. I'm not going to lie to you. When I end a rocky relationship (like I did exactly 2 months ago,) I go off the rails. I go to bars, I mess around, and I'm a firm believer in a swift rebound... or maybe several swift rebounds. (Sorry, Mom. I know you're reading this, but maybe you should click out because this one is going to be ethically messy.) I'm going to guess that I've met up with Tinder boys way more often than the average person, but I mean... That's life, y'know? My number one "love language" is words of affirmation, and let me tell you, there is no better place than Tinder to find just that. Sure, the guys are full of shit, and sure, they don't actually ever mean a damn word they say, (If I heard one more, "lol yeah it's 8 inches," I was going to lose my fucking mind.) But if I ever get tired of being called cute and beautiful and pretty and hot and gorgeous, perform an exorcism on me because I am possessed.

I've been pondering whether or not to write about this; The good, the bad, the ugly, the awkward, the embarrassing, and the potentially life-threatening. Ultimately I've decided: Fuck it, I'll do what I want, and if any of them read this and have a problem, then they can be salty and let it consume them forever. I don't care.

So here we go. I have provided nicknames for each of them in order to protect their identities (you're welcome, boys:)

1. Rhode Island (2015)

So it's 2015 and I'm just now starting my, "Hell yeah candles and crystals and meditation and self love and I'm gonna take advantage of every day and just say yes to EVERYTHING," way of life, and I get a message from one of my matches asking to hang out. Obviously my thought is, "Wow, the law of attraction, we are clearly destined to meet." He was only there for the weekend, which frankly, is perfect. Zero strings. He's literally 11 states away, (and yes I had to google a map of America to determine that just now. Sue me.) Y'all, this dude is so dope. We clicked like no other, we both like musical theatre, have the same taste in music, and he had just finished a run of my favorite show in the universe (Avenue Q, check it out.) We had a really great 3 days, and to this day, I consider him my absolute favorite Tinder encounter, I still think of him every time I hear the song "Uptown Funk," and my mother loves him and still brings him up as well. He now has a girlfriend, and they've been together awhile now, and I wish them the absolute best. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's Rhode Island.

2. Jawline (2014/2015)

I don't ever send the first message on Tinder. Like... ever, but let me tell you, this dude was stunning. The bone structure was so on point I was going to die, so of course I sent the first message on that one. Probably something along the lines of, "I never message first but HOLY SHIIIIIT DUDE." I mean, damn, the profile picture was just stupid. I had to. So we talked, we Skyped, we ended up deciding that he was going to go out with my friends and me for New Years Eve. Everything was fine, but when we got back to his house, I swear to god this kid, (I was drunk so I may be remembering incorrectly but I SWEAR TO GOD)...This kid put nutella in his ramen noodles. NUTELLA IN HIS RAMEN NOODLES. WHO DOES THAT? IS THAT NOT THE WEIRDEST SHIT YOU'VE HEARD ALL DAY? So obviously I kept hooking up with him, I mean he was a weirdo, but he was my weirdo, and he was also cute as fuck, so it cancels out. He's now married, and like Rhode Island, I wish them all the best, and I hope she's as weird as he is.

3. War Criminal (2017)

This was actually one of my more standard encounters. Look at me, using the app for the supposed "real purpose," of it. We chatted for awhile, decided, "Yeah, I'll let this dude help me with that rebound." The Netflix and chill happened, then we started talking about life, and Oh. My. God. You. Guys. I've never met anyone in the military who actually fights. Most people in the military I've met don't really ever see battle. This dude has killed people. I repeat: THIS DUDE HAS KILLED PEOPLE. Now, I'm very liberal, and anti-war, but I guess I also have a dark, fucked up side of me that apparently thinks this is just extremely attractive. I was like, "TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU'VE KILLED," and, woah, he did. This guy has a scar from where they had to take a bullet out. It's one of the hottest things I've ever seen. We texted back and forth for a little bit after, but never hung out again.

(Warning: the next 4 are kind of boring.)

4. RatMouth (2015)

The nickname seems like it raises a lot of questions, but it's literally just because this dude lives in Boca Raton, Florida. That's it. He doesn't actually have a rat mouth, to be clear. This totally falls in line with boring, standard Tinder encounters. Chat. Smoke a bowl. Do the shit. Leave. The end. Nothing noteworthy at all, which is why he's top of the middle tier. It's only downhill from here.

5. Marine Guy (2017)

Never saw combat. Stayed in the reserves. He made fun of me for ordering a veggie burger. It was clear he'd never met a crazy bitch from Fort Lauderdale before. We talked about Game of Thrones a lot. There was zero chemistry and we never saw each other again.

6. Hockey (2017)

This was my first Tinder meet-up of Season 2. Another awkward "date." He invited me to have pizza with some of his friends. I had one drink and left. Never talked again.

7. Bang (2015)

ANOTHER awkward date (last boring one I SWEAR.) We decided to meet up at Starbucks, he seemed okay, but not even 10 minutes before this date, he randomly sends me a text along the lines of just, "Let's bang." I know this is what Tinder, "is for," but holy shit, dude, at least buy me a coffee and wait until the conversation moves in that direction. We meet in person, turns out he's from New Zealand, and as charming as the accent was, it didn't make the conversation charming. At all. It was forced and awkward and after about 15 minutes he looked at me and said, "It's not going well, is it?" To which I replied, "No, no it's not," and then we went our separate ways forever.

8. Phil Collins (2017)

This one is recent, so I'm going to address him directly: Listen, dude. You can't manipulate people the way you did to me. It's gonna get you into some really hot water someday (like getting blasted in an article by one of the girls you played.) Look, I don't know who told you that lying is the only way to get a girl in the sack, but that isn't true. There's no need to tell someone that you like them "Soooo much," and then slowly ghost once you get what you want. Just be straight up. You're a cute, quirky art boy. You can use that charm without being a fucking liar. My god. Unnecessary waste of a week trying to figure out if you liked me of not. Also your eyes are green, not blue.

9. The Ex (2015-2017)

Met up with this boy at a coffee shop. Fell in love with him. Dated him for 2 years. Was engaged to him for a little while. I have so many things to say, but this is the only case in which I refuse to give the details. Just know that it ended poorly, and my advice is to be wary of a Tinder relationship.

10. Wendy (2015)

This is one of my absolute favorite bad tinder experiences. I had plans to see 50 Shades of Grey (shut up,) with this guy that I had a huge crush on, but he classically bailed, so I decided I was going to swindle a random Tinder boy into seeing it with me. Found one. I picked him up in a Pet Supermarket parking lot, and we went to the theater. This dude, first of all, was nowhere near as cute as his pictures, and second of all, was throwing some really weird vibes. Like, really weird. So halfway through the movie he puts his hand on my thigh, and all I could think to say was, "THIS MOVIE IS BAD, WE SHOULD LEAVE," which I'm sure he thought was some sort of an invitation, poor kid. Cut to us waiting for his mother to pick him up in a Wendy's parking lot, and y'all I could not believe the turn this conversation took. This dude just starts talking about how big his wang is. He will not shut up about it. "It's so huge you wouldn't believe." ...ok? "It ended up on r/monstercocks one time." ...ok? "If I took it out right now, I bet you'd do something about it." ...punch it, maybe? I wouldn't try that if I were you, Wendy, not unless you wanna get decked right in your r/monstercock. His mother eventually showed up, but holy hell. What a 15 minutes.

11. Crausant (2017)

Dude couldn't spell the word "croissant." Dude asked me what the word "aesthetic" meant. When it finally happened, dude lasted all of 20 seconds. Dude had to go.

12. The One That Made Me Uninstall (2017)

I realized I made a mistake by re-installing this nightmare hell app about 3 minutes after installing it, but ended up staying on way too long. I kept telling myself, "I am one garbage Tinder conversation from uninstalling."

And then it happened. Trash Pile Conversation 2017™.

This dude gives me his number, so I text him. Standard. He calls me. Who the fuck calls? It's 2017, why are you calling me? Do you need my help? Are you dying? No. This dude is calling just to talk. Like it's 2 thousand and fucking 9. Y'all, I had to sit through the most boring HOUR LONG conversation of my life with the most miserable human being I've ever talked to, who also sounded like my uncle on the phone, which was weird. Every time I'd try to hang up he'd throw a pity party for himself, "I get it. Nobody wants to talk to me, anyway." etc. (I wonder the fuck why?) He wanted me to text to him during all my downtime at work (um, no.) It was one phone call, and the controlling behavior was already rearing its ugly head. So I uninstalled. Tinder is cancelled. I can thank this guy for freeing me from it.

13. "Men r Trash" (2017)

THIS IS THE ONE THAT I'D SCROLL PAST IF YOU WANNA KEEP ANY SHRED OF RESPECT YOU HAVE FOR ME IN TACT:

This is the only time IN MY LIFE that I've ever had the balls to just be the stereotypical tinder hoe and say, "Come over," with no prior conversation. Mama had an itch to scratch, ya know? So this dude comes over, refuses to wear a condom, and when I tell him it's wrap it or gtfo, he says, "That's fine. I have some weed in my truck. I'll go grab it and we can smoke a bowl."

....This dude never came back. He blocked my number, unmatched me on tinder, and removed me on snapchat, all because he didn't wanna put a piece of rubber on his damn dirty dick. Let it sink in. What the fuck kind of dude wants to rawdog a stranger????? What the fuck?? So, anyway, he vanished into the night, but he left behind a blue wife-beater, on which I wrote, "Men r Trash," in Sharpie. It's actually quite comfortable. Thanks, David (oops, name slip.)

14. Rain (2015)

Get ready for this one. So there was a brief time in 2015 where my sister brought home 5 foster kittens, and we needed to find them homes. I thought it would be funny to use Tinder as an avenue for that. The first picture was me; the others were of the cats. Bio said something like, "I want these cats adopted by hotties only." Funny, right? So this guy messages me, comes and looks at the cats, then leaves. A few minutes later I get a text from him asking to hang out, and I say yes.

The first red flag should have been that there was no furniture in his apartment. None. None at all. Literally just a bed. No furniture. I asked why and he said, "Oh, I just got out of jail." Did I question that? No. I didn't ask. It was Florida. Everyone my age in Florida who is in jail is in jail for possession. I guess my brain automatically went to that. I should have asked. Anyway, no furniture in the apartment. Did that stop me from hanging out with him in his barren ass apartment? No. We actually had a great conversation. We had a lot of mutual people in our lives to talk shit about (because that is how bonds are made. Mutual dislike.) I even kissed him. We decided to hang out the next day.

Holy shit, guys. I wasn't ready.

The next day I meet up with him and two of his super sketchball looking friends. Did I leave upon seeing them? No. Apparently we have some errands to run, the first of which is selling a gun ("legally," of course.) Did I leave? No. I held the gun. (Let me tell you, though, there's not much of a better feeling than walking around a shady part of town with a loaded gun in your waistband. Feels incredibly powerful.) So we sell the gun, and you'll never guess what the next task is. We're gonna go buy a gun. Did I leave? No. We went and bought the gun, then we go to a shady gas station. He pops 3 Xanax bars, decided that now he and sketchball friend #1 are gonna swing by a nearby crack dealer's house and see if they can rob him of the crack cocaine that he apparently hides in the bushes (a brilliant strategy for hiding hard drugs, if I do say so myself.) Did I leave? No, but at that point it was just because I wasn't near my car. I hung out at the gas station with sketchball friend #2 and talked about his life. Honestly the best part of the night, he had a super interesting upbringing. Apparently there wasn't any crack in the bushes, so we went back to the apartment. Dude was entirely barred out, sketchball friend #1 looks me dead in the face and says, "You really shouldn't be hanging around us. This isn't where you belong." No shit, sketchball friend #1, no shit. But did I leave at that moment? Of course not! The moment did finally come when Rain walked out and said, "Yo, yo yo yo, guys, yo...We're gonna rob Blackie (who??) at gunpoint for an ounce of regs." Gunpoint. For regs. For shitty weed. Gun. Fucking. Point. Bad weed. Not that good weed would have made it okay, but it definitely would have made more sense.

And that was when I finally left. He's back in jail now. Not from robbing Blackie at gunpoint (he got away with that, sent me a picture of the weed.) My guess is that he probably failed a drug test. Oh, and he was previously in jail for, not possession, but assault with a deadly weapon. A machete, to be exact.

And there you have it. The good, the bad, the ugly, the awkward, the embarrassing, and the potentially life-threatening. I don't recommend Tinder. It is an absolute fucking nightmare.