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A Friendship Passed

A Story-Esque Flood of Thoughts About the Best Friends I've Ever Had

By Justin KennedyPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Screenshot from the game I played to get through my emotional turmoil

Losing these friends has really fucked me up recently. It’s like going through a break-up, but it’s all platonic. Like how they platonically want nothing to do with me anymore.

We spent every waking moment together and it was perfect. I started going to my classes again and opening up to my therapist more and I started taking my meds more responsibly. I started to really strive to get better because of them. They made me happier than I was without them, but I still wasn’t happy. It’s like if, on a scale from -15 (depressed af) to 15 (happiest) and 0 was neutral, they took me from a -11 to a -5. It’s a huge difference for me, but they just saw me as still depressed. They urged me to do more to get better, but there was nothing I could do to speed up the process. I was doing what I could, but I’ll admit there was still more I could do. But then the issue with that is I don’t have the willpower to do more about it yet. My meds weren’t right yet and overall I really couldn’t. In their hearts, I know they only wanted to help me be the best I could be. I should’ve listened.

Of course, then I developed feelings for one of them. After months of having only platonic feelings, I started liking them. It didn’t help that they have a significant other already. I don’t particularly like the SO, but I was able to swallow my pride most days and hang out as a third wheel. Mind you, there were four of us hanging out in total (me, friend 1 {f1}, their SO {SO1}, and friend 2 {f2}). F2 and I would both be third-wheeling. Like training wheels on a bicycle. I told f1 about the feelings I had (admittedly I got VERY carried away) because f2 suggested I should. F1 was never more disgusted and upset about anything else in the world and SO1 voted for Trump. F1 and I were able to pretend it never happened and just move on. Well, I was able to. F1 at least attempted to. I don’t think F1 was ever able to really get past it.

F1’s disgust was understandable in all honesty. I was supposed to be a friend to F1, but instead I made it look like I’ve been in love with them since the start. I wasn’t in love with F1 at the start. We became so close that over the few months we hung out (all day everyday) I couldn’t help but develop feelings. That was the first of two grave mistakes I made that ended the best friendship I’ve ever had. Maybe I did feel love when I revealed my feelings. Maybe I would’ve been ok if F1 and SO1 broke up. I got over it, though. After a week I was arguably completely past it, but F1 definitely wouldn’t forgive and forget. The three of us, F1, F2, and I spent the next week together like nothing happened.

Soon came SO1’s spring break. The beginning of the spiral into chaos. SO1’s spring break began a week before ours did so he would be spending every single day of that week hanging out. In an act of stupid defiance, I didn’t hang out with them for the entirety of the week. This is my second grave mistake. Just because I didn’t like this guy I starved myself of seeing my best friends for the whole week. F2 was worried and F1 was too distracted with SO1 to really care. At least, that’s how it appeared to me. F2 desperately wanted me to come over, but I was too stubborn and hot-headed to comply. One of the last things they said to me in person was “when will I see you again?” And that thought, every time it comes to mind, feels like a bullet straight through the gut. It comes to mind a lot. The memory itself is crystal clear as if it’s happened every day for years.

At the end of the week, on Friday night, I peaked. I starved myself of friendship and kindred for so long that I was as insecure as I’ve ever been. I asked F1 “are we still friends?” As if there could ever be a positive response to that. I had the nerve to ask such a question like that. I starved myself on my own accord and I had the nerve to be insecure. From there it only got worse. I won’t get too specific, but F1 and I got into the worst argument that could’ve possibly happened between us.

And then it was over.

Our friendship was burned to the ground. I tried to salvage it, but F1 wouldn’t have it. I improved myself, all the problems with me they had I fixed or attempted to fix. I tried to salvage again, but still nothing. I tried again after fixing even more about me and again nothing. Now here I lay hoping for a second chance while being haunted by the two horrible mistakes I made. All I can hope now is that typing this whole story here will help me in some way.

SO1 and 2 aren’t even that bad. I could've been friends with them. Why did I do what I did?

friendship
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About the Creator

Justin Kennedy

Just here to share my experiences

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