I’ve been having trouble lately, trying to come up with something deep, something…personal to talk about with you until recently.
What felt like years ago, I met the craziest girl I’d ever meet in my life and it was a big change to my world. There was so much about her that I loved, not instantly, but I loved it none the less. She was a nerd, and I don’t mean a geek, very different are the two; because she was into pop culture like it was nobody's business. This list goes on. But what stood out the most was unexpected. She kept this stash of childhood memorabilia that contained items even I forgot about and all at once, everything just hit me… See, for the longest time, I’d had trouble trying to find the qualities and personality I was looking for in someone. She was great…
Truthfully, meeting her was probably the best thing that had happened for quite some time. It was one of those moments where you’re like, “Holy shit, is this happening? To me?!” Yeah, it was exactly one of those moments.
When we met for the first time, I had this red hair, not like a scarlet, but more of a pink colour, all due to a botched hair dying job by the always shitty Hair Effects. She didn’t mind, regardless of how bright it was.
Over the next few months, I got to know her better. I’d go see her after I finished work and the gym, and we’d laugh and talk and just fucking live, man. Being young and free…it was a great time…let’s just say that. She was so quick with a joke, her cute giggles and funny faces made for hours of “worth it” moments. She would post up to watch her shows eating a bowl of cereal and the whole time I’d just watch her in her element, enjoying the things she loved. It made me happy… I always thought she ate like a baby dinosaur and I liked it. The way she’d be so comfortable just being herself in front of me, and loving every moment, it was pure harmony. Her face lit up when you talked about something she loved or asked her about a show or a game or even a fandom. She had these slight dimples that would creep up on you and adorably pop out and say “Hello” every time she smiled. Her smile was a sign that my world existed right there, right where she was, always. Her darkened skin tone was easy on the eyes, and I could tell you for hours about how her deep brown eyes are the key to bringing a guy to his knees with just a flutter of her lashes, or how her cuddles would warm even the coldest of hearts in the middle of winter. She’d often say how she wasn’t perfect when I said she was; maybe not to everyone...but I’m not everyone, I’m just me, and the idea of perfect is different for everyone.
We’d spend nights just staying awake and being in the moment. Talking, and laughing; existing in a place stuck between a dream, and it’s reality. For one moment, all the worries of the world went away for the time when we were there together. It was how life should feel every single day.
But, one day, she had to leave...
She had started packing, and I had told her I would come visit with her before she left, but I never did. You see, I was so busy with what was going on in my life that I didn’t have the time to see her off, and I regret it every day... I wish I could’ve hugged her once more...maybe felt the brush of her hair on my cheek, the touch of her hand on my skin and the warmth of her body in my presence. The next months became the foundation for a beginning. I’d grown so attached to this girl that my expectations changed to represent every thing this girl was. It wasn’t hard to talk to girls...in fact, if anything, it became easier. The hard part was maintaining a relationship long enough that it led somewhere, as I would get bored, fatigued and uninterested very quickly when it came to these girls. I had no interest in doing anything with them.
I’d become a crab without his shell, defenseless, cold and scared, and the only thing that could protect me was the thought that she would be here, but she wouldn’t be. I was okay with that. She left and I carried on...somehow.