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A Letter from the Girl Who Is Terrified to Tell You...

These are the words I wish I could say.

By M FPublished 5 years ago 15 min read
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I’ve always had this fear that if I would joke around about being gay, that you would disown me. Because I know how much you hate gay people. I always was secretly terrified that somehow I would end up gay, and then that would be the end of everything. It would be the end of our family. Me as your daughter. Your love for me.

I’ve never been super girly like all the other girls. Never boy crazy. Never dated a ton of guys. I’ve only been in one relationship, and that was short-lived. I’ve been single most of my life. I was always the tomboy type. The type that preferred gym clothes over dressing up and pants or shorts over dresses. The kind that wore a hat backwards and hated heels. The kind that never felt the need to put on make-up on or do her hair every day. I was never the girly girl daughter that you always wanted me to be.

You wanted me to be like other girls, but I wasn’t, and that wasn’t ever something you could accept. Because you were so focused on making me into the idea you had of who I should be instead of loving me for who I was.

I always was the odd one out. All throughout school. Elementary, middle, and high school. I tried to fit in and be friends with the cool kids, but it never worked. I always felt weird and left out. I always felt like no one wanted to be friends with me and that maybe there was something wrong with me. I never got any attention from guys or got asked out on dates like other girls. I hadn’t had any relationships all throughout school when everyone else had at least been in one. I just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else because that is who you made me think that I needed to be, like everyone else.

I have always wanted to have the type of relationship where I could tell you anything and be completely honest with you about my life and what I am going through, but you make it so hard. I feel like you would judge me so harshly. I feel like you always had such high expectations and standards of me that anything less would be a huge failure in your eyes. I have gone through so much, especially this past year, that you have no idea about because I can’t tell you. It is stuff that would probably sadden you and make you hurt to know I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t feel like I could come to you or tell you. I feel like if I’m not perfect, you’ll be disappointed in me. That if I ever did anything you didn’t approve of, you would consider me a failure. That if I ever said I wasn’t straight, that I’m going to hell. That you would stop supporting me. That you would disown me as your daughter. That you would be disappointed in me because “I’m not the daughter that you raised or wanted.” That you wouldn’t love me anymore. And all I’ve ever wanted was to feel love and for you to be proud of me. I never wanted to hurt you or cause you any pain.

"Yeah, I guess I'm a disappointmentDoing everything I can, I don't wanna make you disappointedIt's annoying. I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did wasn't ever tryna make an issue for you." -NF

I’ve always struggled with the idea that parents will love you no matter what because I felt like that wouldn’t apply with you guys. I had doubts about how much you really loved me. If I was this one thing, then you wouldn’t love me anymore. That you would turn your back on me. That you would hate me.

This has been something that I have really wrestled with over and over again for a while now because of my faith and how I was raised versus what I feel and who I am now. This has been something that has kept me up at nights, laying awake just thinking about what you’d think of me and how you’d condemn me and leave me. I’ve been taught all my life that being gay was wrong. I’ve seen parents who just abandoned and disowned their kids after they told them. And I was absolutely terrified that you would do that to me.

I’ve never hated or looked down on gay people like you do. You always viewed it and talked about it like it was this huge sin, but all sins are equal in the eyes of God. It isn’t any bigger a sin than someone lying to someone else. I always saw them as people. I never thought that there was something wrong with them. I’ve always been interested in them and how they became how they were and how they loved someone of the same gender. I’ve always been more accepting and open-minded toward them, even when I was pretty sure I was straight. Even though, at times, I wondered if people thought that I was gay. And if any conversation came up regarding that subject, I was always eager to learn and pay attention. I’ve always wondered. I’ve always been curious. And being here in a much bigger city with many different types of people has really helped me understand more about all of it. I’ve met some remarkable people and kind souls. I’ve finally gotten away from the small town and been able to get to know people and explore without being judged or anyone looking over my shoulder.

I told myself that it wasn’t right and hated myself for having “unpure” thoughts and wants. I tried to reject and refuse to feel the feelings I was feeling. I thought that maybe they were just part of a phase that I was going through or a crush that would just go away. I thought the way that I noticed the beauty of girls around me was the same ways others did. I noticed things about girls and paid closer attention, it seemed. But, the more I fought with it, the more I was unable to shake it. The more I suppressed it, the more it made itself felt. It’s interesting talking to people that I had friendships with in the past and had met, and the more people I ask, the more that tell me that they weren’t sure or wouldn’t be surprised. They figured I was at least curious. And they were right. I have always been curious. I just always hid that curiosity because I knew you would think it was wrong. I hid it and thought it would go away. Just a passing fling of feelings. But that curiosity just kept coming back, and it was stronger. I was very intrigued and interested in pursing that curiosity.

I have been questioning things for a while now. I was really confused. I was really torn between a lot of things that I was feeling. I was dealing with a lot internally. I wasn’t really sure of anything until I fell in love with her. That’s when I understood. That’s when I knew it wasn’t just a passing thing. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t choose to. It’s not like we were dating or anything. I know that it’s “not right.” She was just my best friend and somehow I fell in love with her. And by the time I realized I actually loved her, I had probably already felt that way for a while, I just didn’t realize it. I tried to stop it and to pretend like the feelings weren’t there, but they were. I didn’t want to feel it, but I couldn’t change how I felt. Trust me, I didn’t want to mess up our great friendship just because I felt a certain way towards her. I would never want that. I couldn’t explain the attraction, but it was real. And the way that I cared about her and loved her was in a way I have never cared and loved another human being. It came from a place inside me that had never been tapped before.

And loving her helped me understand how people can fall in love with anyone, even someone of the same gender. It’s easy to hate gay people and say how it is wrong when you’ve never been in love with someone of the same gender and know what it feels like. It’s easier to hate than to love. It’s easier to judge what you don’t know. It gives you a whole different perspective. Love isn’t always a choice. If it was, me trying to stop myself from loving her and falling in love would’ve worked. And I understand now how falling in love isn’t a choice, and who you’re attracted to isn’t something that you can control. It just happens, and no matter how hard you try to control it, you can’t. It’s not like it’s something you plan. You don’t find love, love finds you. And sometimes, it's the people you don’t expect to be falling in love with that you fall in love with.

Trust me, I never planned for this. I never thought this would be me. I never thought I would fall in love with a girl. I never expected this. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t understand what I was feeling for so long. I didn’t know why I was feeling that way. I thought something was wrong with me. It was something that was really difficult for me to accept and come to terms with because I didn’t want to face it or think that I was that person, because I thought about what you would think about me. But that’s been such a huge problem for me for so long, and this really made me realize that. I’ve been so worried about what you will think of me or if you’ll still love me that I haven’t been happy for a really long time, and I’ve been living my life for you instead of for me. And for the first time in a long time, I’ve truly been happy. I’ve been able to be myself and find who I am, and I’ve been doing things that made me happy regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I know who you expect me to be, but I shouldn’t have to be who you expect me to be if that isn’t me. I know you want me to be happy. I know you want to protect me and want me to have a good life. I know you care about me. I know you don’t want me to make the same mistakes as you. But, I am twenty-one years old now. I am an adult. I am my own person. I have my own mind. You did a great job raising me, and I appreciate the childhood you gave me.

But, I’ve finally had space to breathe. I’ve had freedom to spread my own wings and I’ve figured out a lot of stuff. I’ve discovered and developed parts of myself that I didn’t know I had. I’ve become my own person, separate from the person who you always thought I should be. And it’s sad, because I haven’t been able to be myself and who I am around you. When I come up, I am someone else. I am the person you want me to be, even though I am someone else. I am that person because I don’t see the need in causing a ton of drama. I’ve grown so much as a person, and just because I’m not who you think I should be, doesn’t make me a bad person. Just because I don’t live by the same rules and beliefs that you do doesn’t make me a bad person. It’s tough being two people and knowing that you probably won’t love me if you knew who I really am just because that person isn’t who you think I should be.

I’ve wanted to talk to you about things for a while now. It weighs heavily on me and causes me a lot of stress and anxiety, but it is a very scary thing for me because of the potential cost of losing you and your support. This isn’t something that you should blame on anyone. I know it’s easier to try to blame it on something or someone. You didn’t do a bad job parenting me. It’s not my friends. It’s not me falling away from my faith. It isn’t me being in a different city. It is just a part of me. And you have to stop trying to change me and control me. Because the more you do, the more you drive me away. And there is already a wall between us because there is so much you don’t know about me. And if you can’t do that, then my biggest fear was right and you don’t unconditionally love me and you will leave me.

But, I’ve just come to a point in my life where I am really finding out who I am and developing my identity and self independently from you, and I want you to know that person. And if you don’t want to, it will sadden me, because that girl is a remarkable woman and daughter. But I don’t want to have to pretend when I am visiting. I don’t want you to keep trying to control and try to change me. I don’t want to be two people anymore. I want to be able to be myself and be who I am. I don’t want to have to walk on eggshells when I am visiting. I don’t want to be terrified to tell you things or scared to talk about things I am proud of anymore. I don’t have much to really talk to you about when you call because there is so much that is off-limits to talk to you about since you’d jump to conclusions or judge me or wouldn’t approve. Because I know the things that aren’t bad things, you might consider bad things. And it’s hard, because I want to be open and honest with you, and it’s hard to go through things and feel so alone and like I can’t even talk to my parents about them, but I have to go through them alone. I know I don’t show it sometimes, but I love you guys and appreciate everything you do for me. And I don’t have much of a support system to begin with, so losing you would really hurt. This isn’t me abandoning the girl who you raised, this is that girl growing up and becoming a woman and putting her happiness first.

I respect who you guys are and what you believe in, and I’m not trying to change you. I realized that was useless years back. I accept you for who you are. I’m an incredible woman, and I’m still the same person I was before. There are just parts of me that I didn’t know about myself for a while that I found and parts that you didn’t know. I still have the same heart. I’m still a good person. That doesn’t just change because of who I choose to love. I’m a better person than I ever was a few years ago. I’ve come such a long way. I’m so much stronger. And it hurts me to think that you might not love that girl, your daughter. But I couldn’t put this off any longer.

What makes someone a good person shouldn’t have anything to do with their race, religion, gender, sexuality, lifestyle, beliefs, whether they cuss, drink, smoke, or anything else like that. It has to do with how they treat others and their character.

I am attracted to guys and girls. I’m sorry if that makes me a huge disappointment to you. I have big dreams and goals and I’m sorry if you can’t support some of them because you think it’s too risky. I love to write about what I believe in and feel, and I’m sorry if you can’t be proud of me. I’m going to do big things with my life and make a difference in this world, and I’m sorry if you can’t be a part of my life anymore. I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you, but it’s all a part of me. And I’m sorry if you can’t accept that and still love me.

"Feels like we're on the edge right nowI wish that I could say I'm proudI'm sorry that I let you down" -NF

I know that all of this might be really hard for you to hear. It’s hard for me to tell you. This was definitely not an easy thing. It has always been hard for me to open up about my feelings and emotions, and this is an extremely personal topic, and the potential cost is huge. I just want to be completely real and honest about things with you. I want you to know me for who I am or leave me for who I am. I don’t want to keep wondering why. I don’t want to keep battling internally and not be able to sleep because I am so stressed out about what will happen when you find out. I want to be happy, and I can’t be completely happy until weights are lifted off my shoulders. And that includes telling you this. I know it may take some time to digest and understand, but just know that I love you. I wrote all of this down for you because I know that you probably will be mad and hurt and upset and feeling a lot of emotions, and that if I tried to tell you in person, I probably wouldn’t get a chance to get all my thoughts and feelings out. So, I gathered all my thoughts and feelings here. And I know that you won’t necessarily approve, but the question is, will you still be proud to have me as your daughter? Will you still accept me? Will you still love me anyways?

Just know that it took every little bit of courage within me to tell you this, and not knowing what the outcome would be, even though I have a good idea what it might be, is scary. I know the risk, but I needed to finally tell you. I’m thankful for everything that you’ve done for me and the life you’ve given me and all of the support. I am blessed to have parents like you.

I love you.

xoxo

lgbtq
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About the Creator

M F

Your Feelings Are Valid Author. Chainsmokers and Fletcher fanatic. Quote lover. More emotional than your typical Capricorn. TPA. ISTJ. Lesbian. Asian.

Insta: @garnishdaddy. Owner of Native Cocktail Events

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