A Letter to My Abusive "Friend"

To my "friend,"

Dude you need a wake-up call. You say you are my friend and that you have my back and when all that drama was going on about Ash you told me I was being manipulated and lied to and gas-lighted. Man can’t you see what you are doing? I’ve never in my life been so triggered by a situation. Yeah, I’ve cheated on my exes before, and I’ve been cheated on. But the thing is, after so many times you gotta realize, "oh crap, hey, I really gotta grow up and get my stuff together." Because you do.

Man I’ve read the messages, caught you in a few lies, and I’m like dude I thought he was my friend I’m a thousand miles away why is he lying to me? You told me that you talked to Sam about trying poly with Shane, that was a lie. She found messages between you and someone talking about wanting him to be your boyfriend one day, and she was so upset. I outright asked you if you talked to her about being poly, and you said you did and she wasn’t for it. Then you had told me he was blocked on Instagram on both accounts. That was a lie. Soon after Ashley told Sam that he wasn’t blocked, you blocked me off your Instagram.

Straight up this morning was a lie, Sam even confirmed that she is well aware that I am straight and would never let you, or anyone for that matter, come between my relationship. Like why would you say that Sam thought you and I had something going on when she didn't even think that at all? Then insinuating that Sam and Ash would date or hookup or whatever you were trying to get at was ridiculous. Like are you trying to push a wedge between me and my wife? You know we are trying to heal and honestly move forward from this past year. Friends don’t do that, regardless on if you don’t like Ashley or what she has to say about you, don’t try and trash talk her to me. She wins every-time. She is my wife.

Ash isn’t trying to trash talk you, she is trying to help her friend realize just how much abuse she is going through. You have absolutely no trust in Sam. Why do you monitor her social media accounts? Don’t say that you don’t because I already know you do. You are outright putting blame on the victim for what you have done to her. Sam caught you talking to Shane again. You said you were talking to him because he wasn’t doing well, wanted to kill himself, and made it clear you cared more for the guy you cheated on her with, than her. That is narcissistic.

She has to pretend like nothing happened so that you don’t threaten to hurt yourself. Using self harm as leverage to divert from the actual point of the situation is not right at all. Self harm is a serious thing, and you are using it as a way to keep her manipulated and her caring more about you than she does for herself. That makes me so sick. Like, man, I thought you were better than all of that. You always said you looked up to me, and I honestly looked up to you but this makes me sick. Like, you didn’t have to lie to me about all of that either. I have been on your side this whole time, tried to have your back and stick up for you and be here for you, and then you just turn around and spit on our friendship by lying and attempting to manipulate me? I don’t sit well with liars, I don’t sit well with manipulators, and I am owed an apology for this at least because I have tried to have your back, man. I tried.

You need some serious help and you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and get better. What would your mom say right now? You said your father figure cheated on your mom so many times and your mom stayed. What if she is watching you do all of this to Sam, someone you say you love more than anyone in the world? You are not showing her love. If you honestly love her then you will take my advice and get serious about fixing yourself and learning to love yourself. You can’t give love to someone without first loving who you are. I told you the other day it isn’t easy to break away from old habits, especially the ones that were engraved during childhood. I have faith that you can, at least I hope you can. You can choose to not talk to me anymore and block me if you want, but I offer my friendship in return for you being serious about this and making maximum effort to be the man you say you wanna be, be the man Sam wants you to be, and be the man your mom would want you to be. Until then I can’t say that I am your friend.

Goodbye.

This was an actual letter I wrote to somebody that I considered to be a good friend. He is a fellow trans-man and we have both confided many things in one another over the years. My wife, Ash, and his girlfriend, Sam, recently became close. Ash told me about the situation and we compared notes to try and figure out what was going on. Once I realized I was helping to enable an abuser I typed out this letter to him.

Abuse is a serious thing, and not everybody realizes that they are in an abusive situation. It can come in many forms. Physical, emotional. Each form of abuse is just as severe as the next, and if you feel you are in an abusive situation do not hesitate to reach out and seek help. Abuse is traumatizing. It can and will leave a mark on you for the rest of your life if you endure it for too long.