A Letter to My Ex...

"Grief is like an ocean; it comes in waves, embedding and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it's overwhelming. All we can do is learn how to swim." -Vicki Harrison

The Beginning...

We met on a dating website called Plenty of Fish the year of 2016. David contacted me first and we hit it off, so he took me out on a date to fFntastics in Tucson, Az. There was a little water wall going over a little cave you can hang out in and have the cute view of the waterfall. He was charming, polite, and so damn attractive I would think to myself "He's a heart breaker." In a way, I was right.

We began dating, I met his family, and they were one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. His dad had a muscle disease that makes his body ache/hurt all the time and David was providing the majority of the income living with his dad and dog. He took care of his dad and that was something I truly loved about him. He would do anything to help those he loved.

It wasn't long after that we started fighting about the small things. I hated fighting and would try to let things go, but it was hard when he would go out drinking with one of his friends every other night. I loved him so much, but the fighting was causing me to have panic attacks. I would try and talk to him some days, and he would cry saying it was all his fault... It was heartbreaking to see him cry. I tried my best to keep up with my part, but we both were so young and immature at the time that it was hard for the both of us.

During our six month relationship, we had many good and bad times. We often would have deja vu at the same time with certain events that took place. I felt like we were meant to be, but it was all the fighting that made it so hard. There were times where we had a pregnancy scare. Each time I would break down and cry because I wanted a baby with him so bad. Times seemed to test our waters after that. He wasn't ready to be a father and felt that he needed a better job, etc to be able to support the baby and I.

Eventually, we broke up the second time and it was difficult not to go back with him. My cousin helped influence me with the break up and told me, "If you get back with him again, he's not allowed here." It hurt me a lot during that time. I went to see David before the incident happen and you could tell how sad he was. I wanted to be with him forever, but timing seemed to get the best of us...

Fast forward three weeks, I get a text from one of my old friends telling me that David committed suicide. I didn't believe it. I thought it was a sick joke until David's sister reached out to me crying telling me the same thing. Sitting on the bathroom floor, I locked myself in and cried for hours. I was so upset and in shock I didn't know what else to do. I didn't really have anyone to talk to and was angry with the world for making this happen. I cut off all my good friends because I wanted to be alone. I felt that a piece of me died that day, and I still feel that a piece is gone forever. I remember going through so many packs of cigarettes, took so many diet pills, drank endless amounts of alcohol, didn't eat for weeks at a time, and my body was getting more and more frail and the worst part is that people noticed..

I remember going to places we used to go or driving around town and breaking down because I missed him so much and everything felt like salt in a wound that never healed. When the time came, his family did an open casket, they played the song that he would play for me, and I lost it. I broke down and cried my eyes out. I didn't think I could go up there and see him laying there lifeless, but I did. I touched his hand and it was cold, I talked to him with no response. I looked at him and he didn't look the same.. It was heartbreaking and hard to admit he was really gone forever. That was it, I'll never get to see him again...

After that day, I still went to work and pretended everything was ok, but in reality I was far from it. His family reached out to me and told me that they were going to do a ceremony giving our last goodbye at a nearby church. I went to work that day and I cried as I was walking through the doors. I talked with my manager and she told me to go ahead and take a couple days off and cried with me. I left work and the following weekend came to say our last goodbyes.

I went to the church and stood up as they were bringing their casket down the aisle. The tears came again and we finished the service and went to one of David's family member's house to drink and eat some food. I didn't eat much, but I took a couple shots and drank some beer to help numb the pain for a while. I was convinced to smoke some weed and I did. About an hour later I was feeling dizzy, but tried to push the feeling down. It became worse and when I asked someone if I could lay down, I puked everywhere and blacked out. People were all around me, I could hear them talk, but I couldn't move or say anything. All I could feel is my heart getting slower and slower. I thought that way was going to be my last and I wanted it. I just wanted to be with David...

Two guys that I knew carried me to a bedroom inside the house along with David's family. I heard them say "what do we do?", "Oh my god, someone else is going to die. I can't handle this right now", "does someone know her phone password so I can call someone to get her?" "Her heart rate is fine, she's going to be ok." I saw a bright light and the words around me got quieter and quieter. I thought this was it, until I swore I heard David's voice telling me "it's not your time." At this point someone poured water on my lips and I could feel my lips absorbing the water. Shortly after, I woke up and my cousin was there, my dress was unzipped because they were trying to make it easier to breathe, and I was angry that I didn't just die.

My cousin drove me home as I was telling her what happened and that night I tried to overdose before bed so that I would die in my sleep. Obviously it didn't work. I listened to songs David used to play all the time and I felt numb to everything. It took me a year to finally accept what happened with David. I occasionally go to his memorial to this day and wish things would have gone differently....

I still think about him and wonder if he's really at peace now. I've created a family and love them to death. I still miss David though and I hope he's not dealing with the demons he had when he was alive. Rest in peace, David...