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Time has passed... and although some would claim it to have been enough, the wounds still hurt as if they were made yesterday. The last time we spoke, you attempted to make me feel guilty for the relationship that was destroyed between my daughter and I. You claimed that no matter what I was doing, you knew that there was at least a brief moment where she was on my mind. A brief moment... If it weren't so sad it would be funny. If you only knew that I think about the two of you every minute of every god damn day.
It has been well over a year, and the child you carry shows that the past is the warden of only one of us. Many days have come and gone, and there were plenty of them where I gave in to your opinion of who I was. There have been days where it hurt so bad that I couldn't even find the strength to get out of bed. Every minute of every day... the two of you are on my mind. And as if the days were not enough, as soon as I closed my eyes to sleep, as if following a schedule, there you are again... both of you.
Sometimes I catch myself rehearsing the things that I would say to you if you were right in front of me. The conversations that I have with myself are always different... sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sorry, and sometimes I'm begging for you to come back. The conversations always change, but the one thing that doesn't is that, in reality, you're not in front of me. In reality, I am alone, having the same argument, wearing different disguises with myself. While you are well on your way to your next family, and most likely your next marriage.
There was a time where I thought the nightmare had ended, a moment where I sincerely believed I had made it to the top of the hill. Wasn't long before I woke up, and realized I was still knee-deep in the same shit. It's like a horror movie, but it isn't, it's my reality. Every half-ass relationship; just another attempt to fill the void that was so obviously present in my life. In all honesty, thinking on it now, I'm almost grateful that my daughter didn't have to see me like that. She is still too little to be burdened with the reality of what became of the relationship between the two people who made her.
When it gets really bad, It almost feels like it'll last forever. Yet, there is another side to that coin. lately, there have been moments where our entire history flashes through my head. The day we were able to hold our daughter, waiting for you down the aisle. But also the day you confirmed you found someone else, the time you left in the middle of the night to see him, and... well we both know where that road goes. Do you know what hurt the most though? (Aside from you destroying our family so that you could have a new one). It was the fact that the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with didn't even believe in me anymore. When I told you I was going to pursue writing you laughed at me. Like as if you had no faith that I could accomplish anything more than a nine to five.
You see my love... every time, my train of thought ends there, and my mind gets zoned in. The emotional, angry, anxiety-driven sides of me stand down, making way for the part of me that knows you're wrong.
I gotta say, when that focus dials in, it brings the greatest sense of motivation I've ever felt. Now, not only am I pursuing the dreams that I had as I got older, but the ones from when I was younger as well. So I've decided to do everything I can to join something bigger than myself, something my daughter can grow up to be proud of. There is no absolute certainty, in fact, there is a chance I might fail. I can get laughed at again, multiple times, I might fall flat on my face, I can put in all the work and still fail, and that scares me. But nothing scares me more than allowing your opinion of who I am to be the truth.
I'm taking a leap of faith, and honestly, it feels a lot better than not getting out of bed. Don't get me wrong; the demons make their efforts to gain back control, as with everyone. Yet, even in the darkest of moments... I never fail to see that faint glimmering light... I never fail to find hope.