A Love That Cannot Be

My name is Jane. I have a loving boyfriend and we've been together for almost a year. He lives 350 miles away from my university so sometimes I get a bit lonely. Last October, I met a man. Let's call him Hank. Hank was tall, almost a foot taller than me. He had dark brown hair, a dark brown beard, light green eyes, and a curious look about him. When I first met him, we were in a show together. It was only a weekend long in and we were very professional... that weekend. He barely seemed to notice me. I was being a little flirty but I told myself that nothing could happen because I had a boyfriend. I knew I wouldn't probably see him again anyways. I gave up.

Skip forward to February. The show was the weekend before Valentine's day and he was there again and he was much more friendly. He seemed interested in every move I made, laughed at my terrible jokes and antics, and even asked me to coffee. This change in behavior threw me for a loop but it was fun being flirty with a guy ten years older than me. I think I forgot to mention that before... He's 29, I'm 19. He found every opportunity to sit by me or say something flirty and it felt good but little did I know that the night would turn.

He invited me to go with them to a bar and then to sleep at the house all the musicians were staying at that night and sheepishly, I agreed. I texted my boyfriend telling him briefly of my plans for the night and that I didn't have a charger so my phone would most likely die soon. He seemed thrown off but whenever I did ANYTHING out of the ordinary, he was anxious. I turned my phone off and just decided to enjoy the night.

We got to the bar. Everyone got a beer except for the percussionist and I. Hank had four beers and a shot of tequila in the three hours that we were there and was wasted so I had to drive him and myself in his car back to the house. He told me a lot about how cute he thought I was and how he loved flirting with me and a bad feeling began to set in. We got to the house and we went inside.

Once inside, everyone had a few more beers. We made some pizza and had some other snacks. I wasn't very hungry but it was almost 3 AM and I had started to get a bit sleepy. Hank asked, "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

I answered, "No, I'm fine. I'm just going to go downstairs and get some sleep."

He led me to a room and got into the bed. He was about to leave the room but then didn't. He asked me if I wanted to kiss him. Part of me wanted to but I knew it would be the worst mistake of my life. I responded that I did not and he came and sat at the foot of my bed, asking if I was sure. I knew that he would be persistent but being a younger sibling taught me to be very stubborn so I continuously denied his advances. After about an hour, I was only annoyed. He was talking about how he had just been dumped after a very long relationship. I didn't really feel pity even though I probably should have. He didn't seem nice anymore or attractive.

More drunken stories of his ex flowed from his lips and the hours passed. After persistent asking, he finally left the small room around 5:30 AM. Because I was basically in the back woods. I had no service but I decided to try. I texted my boyfriend and told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I could never hurt him, I knew that for a fact. My boyfriend had been cheated on by two of his previous girlfriends and I couldn't possibly do that to him. I realized that night that I didn't miss the physical touch of a man or even the attention of a man. I realized that I only missed MY man. I had a nightmare that night. He had left me because he thought I was in love with another man. I awoke to a shaking of my shoulder and a tear soaked pillow beneath my head.

"Are you okay? Why are you crying?" Hank asked while I rubbed my eyes awake.

"I had a nightmare. I'm okay," I replied.

The ride back to my dorm was quiet except for him asking what I would tell my boyfriend. I didn't quite know yet but this would cause a rift between my boyfriend and I that I could never forgive myself for.

I broke down to him on Valentine's Day about how I tried to convince myself to have feelings for someone but simply couldn't because he meant too much to me. His anxiety made things difficult but even days later, he looks at me a bit differently. I know now that patience is the best policy. Wait for what you have because you should KNOW that it's the best. If you don't know that, don't let yourself make a mistake that you will regret. Even if that mistake isn't anything physical, keep your heart and mind in check.