A Message to Loved Ones

But Words Are Not Enough

By Mel E. FurnishPublished 6 years ago • Updated 3 years ago • 7 min read

Addiction doesn't discriminate, and it comes in many forms. It is just as much of a disease as obesity, lung cancer, and diabetes. 

Over the years that are far beyond us now, things were taken for granted. Even back before smartphones we had devices or other distractions from life, but it wasn't anything like the extremes we face today among one another.

I wanted to take the time now since now is a good time if any, to come forward with what's been haunting my mind lately. I know I am not the only one, and I know that we are all guilty of it at some point in our lives. However, we can never seem to forgive ourselves for the mistake of taking time and little moments for granted.

I look back on my life and I remember thinking while I was growing up that I couldn't wait to be older and being my own person and pursuing the dreams and plans I had already "figured out". Unfortunately while working on my books and focusing on trying to learn who I was and who I wanted to be, not just what everyone wanted me to be, I was sacrificing crucial time trying to make something of myself when around me there were people in my life already who saw more in me than I did.

These most recent years have been crazy, confusing, and conflicting for many reasons. I have dealt with a lot, just like many people do when they reach my age and start having huge changes made in their lives. I am not sure what has made me stop in my tracks now like I have and think deeper on what I've done and what I need to do. Anymore I feel like my number one priority is to give back for every minute, every hour, every day, and every weekend I spent focusing too much on what I thought was important.

In some ways, I am glad and I don't regret spending so much time on my books. Instead of being that girl that just wanted to be the center of the room, that girl at the party who wanted all eyes on her, or that boy that wanted to be the coolest guy, that boy that wanted to brag about every fight or girl he had won over...Instead of being that way when I was in high school, I was at home alone with my family in the other room spending time together, watching a movie or show, or just talking about their day...I didn't want any part of any of it. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and I wanted to rise above what was "cool" and what made you "popular". I wanted to be me, but that intense focus and solitude left me shutting myself out. Not just from the world of high school, but also from those who had always loved me.

The pain I kept bottling up inside, I wanted to unleash in my writing. I wanted to be more than people thought I was. I wasn't going to just be a dumb hick with a lifted truck, I wasn't going to just be that girl that got good grades and never got in trouble. I refused to be what everyone thought my generation and my demographic "made me". I thought I had achieved that when I heard people saying I was oddly wise for my age. I thought I had achieved that when I finally got my books published and held them in my hands...

But. When you think you want something and you finally have it, sometimes it comes with things you didn't really want. It brings along things you carry with you and can never change. Sometimes those regrets pile up and make you go down a path that only makes it all worse...

I can't undo the countless hours I spent alone and away from my loved ones. But, I do know that now before it is too late, I can say that I am sorry for being that way and now that I have overcome the addiction I had to those things, those distractions, those feelings, those thoughts...now that I have made changes and I have noticed I don't just sit there on my phone and ignore the world around me...Now I want to see you. I want to hear your voices and I want to give you a hug, not only so that I can feel whole again after all that wasted time has left me with this growing pit in my heart, I want that hug to mean just as much to you too.

This is my apology for all that wasted time. I know that words don't mean much anymore, and so I must show it in my actions now. I don't want to be who I was when everything was out of control. I want to be who I am now, that little wide-eyed girl that didn't care about the bad things, that little girl that was herself with pride and was confident in her ability to be her own goofy and strange self so that she could make those she loved laugh hard enough that they cried. I don't look the same, and I don't sound the same. I have grown through those times I was lost, and every day I am becoming more and more in touch with who I once was.

I miss that wild child. Even though I can't change the past and that stranger I was in between now and then, I realize that all those things, no matter how bad or damaging they were... they needed to happen. I consider it all my wake-up call. I felt like I couldn't drown my demons anymore, because like in that song, they learned how to swim in the flood I was sinking within. Despite the struggle, I reached the bottom, and I kicked to find myself breaching the surface again. As my lungs beg for air, my heart pounds, and my blood roars within my ears, I finally reached the water's edge.

I always feared the darkness, but without it, the light has nothing to shine through. I have traveled far on this journey of the self, to be far away from where I once was. But the miles between us, are just measurements. The distance we feel is all in our heads. In my heart, y'all, my loved ones, are closer than ever. I can't wait for the day we meet again.

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