A Note to Him

It's been a year… A year of unanswered questions and undeserved silence… I had a dream last night and maybe that's why I felt compelled to write this, but the dream itself left me just as broken as the day I realized that you had, in fact, lied.

I fell for you… No, that's not the right way to put it. Falling means you knew it was happening. I walked into love with you all the while blissfully unaware that you were it. You were my friend first and foremost, and what hurts the most out of all of this is now you are just a stranger... I went from the person you confided in, to just another girl who loved you and lost.

Why do it? Why promise things you knew would never come to fruition? Were we, if nothing else, the kind of friends who were honest to one another? How was this any different?

I remember the moment I knew… The moment I knew nothing good was ever going to come out of this because I was in love. I remember the freezing air surrounding us as you talked about your love for the stars. The smile on your face as you pointed out the ring of ice in the atmosphere that surrounded the moon. I cried the whole way home that night. I knew that loving you meant that I would be left broken... Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have drunk texted someone else that night that changed everything between us, but you didn’t have to respond the way you did.

It was you that started this…. It was you that stated you could see a future together. And like a fool in love, I gladly dreamed of a life where you could love me back because didn't I deserve that? Didn’t I deserve to be loved by the man I loved? You made me fall in love with something you never planned to see through and when I finally realized it, it was too late. My heart was already in the palm of your hands. You could have been decent and given it back but instead, you stuck it in a blender and pureed it with beautiful love songs whose lyrics are etched in my being like tattoos, forever there even when they do seem to fade.

And then you disappeared. One day you were making a plan for us to give this a shot and the next you were gone without even so much as a goodbye. 2 years of friendship gone because you couldn’t be honest… You found someone…

She wasn’t me… In fact, she seemed the opposite. Where I was broken, she seemed to be very well put together, and maybe that was something that made you choose her. Given the choice, I wouldn’t pick the broken thing either. I guess I just wish you would at least tell me why even after you promised you would never hurt me on purpose, you did… So much for always being my hero…