A Situationship Featuring Me

Today’s blog is a continuation from my previous post.

It’s a mixture of personal experiences and fiction—so of course, I had to change scenarios and all names involved. If you know this is about you, please don't say anything, because I will die of embarrassment.

The start of my kryptonite came from a like. I KID YOU NOT, a freaking like. I’m not sure if it was facebook, Instagram, twitter, but I was like “and I OOOP” when I saw him in person. Who needs eHarmony when you can just slide in DMs on social media right? Anyways, I was out with some friends and they were kind enough to share their perspective from this night. May I add, I’m a private person when it comes to my life—my best friends are finding out things about me that no one knew about until recently. So, for me to share my writing and my personal conflicts is a huge accomplishment for me.

So, I’m getting ready to head out with my girls, and from the moment we met up they could tell something was off.

This is how Ashley described me that night from her perspective:

• No control
• Impulsive
• Immediate regret

My thoughts: I have no type of control when it comes to him, because I’ve become comfortable in the situation. I could be serious with someone else and forget that he’s there, but once that’s done and over with, I can just shoot a couple eyes emojis and it’s a wrap. I’m impulsive when it comes to the little bit of attention I know I’m going to get. I’m a product of my environment. I’ve been in emotionally and physically abusive relationships, so I’m bruised even when I think I’m done healing. So once that “high” feeling is over, I immediately regret it, because I feel so empty and the only person, I can blame is myself.

This is how Jessica described me that night from her perspective:

• Gullible
• Distracted
• Determined

My thoughts: I was determined to get that… slice of cake. And sure, I may seem gullible, but I’m aware of my surroundings, and I am aware of my decisions. But I get distracted by these feelings since my heart is so vulnerable to lust.

Kryptonite /’kriptə,nīt/ - something that can weaken or harm a particular person or thing.

I can't describe how Anthony looks, because I'll be in a pickle. But if you know me, you know my type. From height, to accent, to race, etc. Just know that the person you have in your mind is exactly right.

A situationship is just that, a situationship, sis. And if you have bad luck like me, your situationship is not going to transition into a relationship, because only pretty girls get that lucky. Side note, see how ugly I think of myself? Trauma has tainted my thoughts so vigorously I have lost my self-worth. Oh, but don’t worry I make a come back, but that’s for a different post.

My kryptonite’s name… Anthony (No Anthony’s were harmed in the making of this post). I’m with my girls majority of the night, but the moment I stepped away Anthony peeped something that wasn’t meant to be peeped. You know how easy it is to go somewhere with $0 when you have a pretty smile and curly hair? I was getting free drinks from this dude that I literally dropped as soon as I looked down at the “I’m here” text. Little did I know that Anthony saw me and ole dude posted up in a corner.

*vinyl sratch sound effect*

I had tequila in my system, so I was bold enough to ignore the fact that he just saw me with someone else. Now, now, I know if the tables were turned girls would’ve been like “Sis, he ain’t it! That man ain’t sh--.” BUT I’m the director and protagonist, so the script is not going to get flipped.

So, I dropped ole dude and did a little skip, maybe a little jog, and *Kawhi Voice* “What it do bayyybeeee” to Anthony. He wasn’t impressed. He was looking at me like…

I was looking at him like...

He was looking at me like...

And then...

Yep...

Moral of the story is, fear has gotten the best of me. I don’t ever shoot my shot, but when I do, I quickly add “just kidding.” I’m so used to rejection that when someone compliments me, I don’t know how to properly react. I live vicariously through my friends’ relationships, because I never give myself the opportunity to love or be loved. I have an idea of what love is… but… after gazing into eyes that imaged someone else, messages that were meant for someone else, and hands that curled into fists. I’m not entirely sure how to start a relationship without being triggered from past abuse, so I jump the gun and start a situationship, and then complain about it being a situationship. LMAO (There I go laughing at my traumatic experiences).

I would like to tell my situationship some of my favorite things:

• My favorite color is yellow because it resembles my favorite flower, the sunflower.
• My favorite artist is Bad Bunny because he's carefree, creative, and a phenomenal performer.
• Finally, my favorite thing I've ever done so far—was admitting how I feel about this situation.