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A Special Kind of Love

A Love Letter to My Ex-husband

I just want to tell you I love you and always will. I forgave you years ago for whatever transgressions may have happened between us. But it took seeing you dance with our daughter at her wedding to make me realize that there was still a tiny ember of love burning deep within my heart. 

We met at the wrong time. I was married and I didn't have a clue about who I really was. I was doing the crazy bar scene and so were you. Work brought you miles away from your home and into my space. You were the wild and crazy man that I thought I wanted and needed. 

I got a divorce and moved miles away from home to be with you.  We blended our families and made so many memories in the time we were together. It wasn't always easy and we both made some pretty bad mistakes, but we stuck together through it all.

When it was finally over and we went our separate ways, I thought it was the best thing that ever happened to me. And, in so many ways, it was. Our ending brought us both new loves and new beginnings. 

That ending was 20 years ago. Our children are all grown up with children of their own. We are both in strong, enduring marriages and living our remaining years in good places. 

Our lives have intertwined over these years. We shared family moments, the birth of our grandchildren, and some loved ones passing. We nodded politely to each other and tried very hard not to look at each other again. 

I didn't think about you much after the first couple of years of being divorced. I was too busy getting on with my own life. And when I did think of you, my thoughts were filled with resentment and anger. After a time, even the anger was gone and was replaced with indifference. The kids would tell me about your health problems, your struggles with alcohol, and your never-ending judgement of them. Luckily for you, they understood the man outside of the bottle and loved him for who he was. 

As the years passed and my memories took on a new aspect, I began to see that our lives had been filled with more love than anger. We did love each with the passion and desire of youth once. The woman I was back then still feels that love inside of her. 

When I saw you dancing with my daughter at her wedding, the memories flooded back. So many beautiful memories. You are so much older now. Your once thick mane of black hair has been replaced by a few strands of gray hair combed gently over the top of your head. Your face is wrinkled and you walk with a limp. Life hasn't been kind to you on a physical level. I am sorry that you had to endure so much pain. But to me, at that moment, you were the most beautiful man in the world.

I am at a place in my life where all has been forgiven and forgotten. I don't judge and I certainly don't harbor any hate or resentment for anyone. Life is way too short for any of that. There is no blame or guilt. The past is in the past and I can't change it. But what I can do is replace those old feelings with new ones. I can add new memories to the good ones of the past. I don't need to remember or dwell on anything more than that.

So, my darling, I do love you. I love you in a kind, compassionate, and eternal way. I cherish the memories and I cherish you. There is room enough in this old heart of mine to find you a special place and I hope I have a special place in your heart as well. 

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A Special Kind of Love
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