A Story of a Quiet Queer

Let's hope that the more personal I get with the world, the closer I will feel with coming to terms with my sexuality. Being the Outcast is not foreign to me. When I was growing up I felt safe alone. Writing stories, songs, poems, and singing to myself. Being among people for recreation was a source of anxiety that is unspeakable. When you create your own life in your head you become your own best friend. But, in my case, I did not treat myself like a friend, more like an intimidating stranger.

Have you ever seen your crush and had the fantasy that they just notice you, drop all that there doing and jump into your arms? Have you ever tried to reject the hot feeling in your face, and the dumb smirk when you start to feel the swell of attraction? These are the same feelings that I have felt but because I am queer I never let my feelings flourish. Recently I read an article about Suppressing Emotions and Borderline Personality Disorder, and it shows that the more that you suppress an emotion, thought, or feeling the more likely you are going to feel painful thoughts and emotions towards the subject. And for me instead of using alcohol and drugs I use writing, and falling into work and education. And the coincidence is that I may have OCD, rumination, obsessive thoughts and actions. This had led to depression for me. Thankfully, as the seasons change, so do human emotions.

I am recovering from my first heartbreak, and it is taking a while. I think it's taking me almost three months. It seems unbelievable that its been that long already. Time seems to stand so still when you are fighting for a relationship that is dying. I was taught to conquer what you want, and never give up until its yours. That was my mentality. But, when you get doors slammed in your face emotionally, distance that is not ever close enough. I always felt so close to feeling everything that I thought I'd been missing, but it never ends in commitment.

At first, I used religion as a block to suppress my feelings. This made it worse, letting myself into a community that openly doesn't accept me as normal. But, letting myself feel all the anger, the sadness, the pain, and the devastation has made my skin very thick. It has made me numb in a way. In my core I can feel only fear. It's hard to feel butterflies, vulnerability, and genuine emotions. I guess my innocence is gone. I am not a sweet, fresh dandelion anymore. I am consumed with worry, fear, anxiety, numbness, and low energy that I have never felt but the people around me say that I am strong. I guess I'm still in denial and I don't know why.

If you feel like this too it is scientifically normal, I just read an article that 98 percent of people have felt unrequited love. I don't want to get into too many details because I respect the person that I have so much love for. I just never imagined that my first love wouldn't be my last. I know that love will be possible, and it will be better when I love all of myself. Loving yourself as a woman is hard. Mixed messages mess with us, from family, media, peers, books, music, and culture. The annoying part is that women are God's gift to this planet. I know that we created life as it is today. We are love and life encapsulated in lights of energy. I was once called pure light. This was probably the greatest compliment that I have received for just being myself. To all of my readers, you are Pure Light. This is what it means to me. You have the heart that gives to a stranger, a humbleness that is unmatched, a purity that will look into the eyes of a stranger and say its going to be ok. It is hard to find goodness here on Earth. Or maybe it is overlooked. To find a heart that matches yours is rare, but not impossible. To find a heart that is willing to grow with you is the rarity.

Relationships are very complex. If you let them, they can kill you. But they also change you on the inside. They extend you, and break you and turn you into the one thing that you try to deny the most, a human. But in the end, we can have peace that our journeys are not in vain because our hearts always yearn until our bodies deteriorate. That is a beautiful thing. Much Love to all of my readers. <3