June 16th, 2018. The day I made one of the hardest and best decisions of my life so far. The day I let go of him, so I could finally be happy for myself. This is a journal about my journey through my first year after dropping the most toxic person in my life. This may teach you and help you, too.
Hindsight is 20/20. We all say that and yeah, it's true. Six years of my young life were spent giving and giving and giving everything to someone who did nothing but take and take and take and take more. But I loved him. I thought he loved me. I think he did at some point, and probably for the majority of our relationship, but I don't know what happened, what changed. Or when it changed. Throughout everything though, even when we were good, it was still all give to him while he took. I dealt with a lot of things. I processed his emotions for him while I also tried to process my own. I shouldered his hardships while shouldering my own. I held him when he was sad and I celebrated when he was happy.
But he never did any of that for me. Not really. He avoided me when I was sad, and when I was happy, his mood often soured it. Not always, I'll make that clear, did he act like that, because there were some very good times, but he would tune me out and never really cared about what I said. Especially towards the end.
We were in two different paths in life after graduating high school, but we made it work. I studied in university and he decided school was not for him, so he continued to work at his high school job while working on his art. I supported him, and he supported me. For the most part. I found out later that there may have been some resentment there that I went to school and he didn't. That I did so well, while he fell into a depression. And trust me, I tried my hardest to help him through that.
December 2017, he got a new job. This one was an "actual" job, a post-high school one, if you will. He would be paid a living wage, not minimum, and he would have a usual schedule. He worked at a gay night club, but as part of the day crew. They build the stages, put up the decorations, etc. He almost didn't take it when it was offered to him. He's always had a self-sabotaging fear of change. I encouraged him that it would be a good thing, that this was the offer he needed to really get out of his rut.
Boy, did it blow up in my face. It took about a week for him to decide he was hot stuff and that I was nothing. He idolized these people, his new coworkers. And trust me, these are not the people to idolize. Casual alcoholics who got violent and thought it was a good idea to drink and drive. I had a bad feeling from the start about how he talked about these coworkers, but I let it go. This was his first real chance to do something outside of his little depressed world, so I listened to his stories and supported him. I was happy he was enjoying something new and exciting. But he became a liar, and this just started a terrible cycle. A terrible cycle of lying, gaslighting, and blame.
He'd do something that would hurt me, gaslight me, make me apologize, give me some terrible apology that included why it was my fault, then it would start all over again.
This went on for six months. I became the unhappiest I had ever been in my life, and I had some dark times in my life. He was destroying me from the inside out. I felt broken, worthless, sad, and like I was going to die from it all. Sometimes I still find it hard to believe how quickly our relationship fell apart.
I remember when I had figured out what was happening. When I realized I hated him. When I realized it was time to end our relationship.
We were in his car. He'd been lying to me about a lot of things, and the one that I really hated the most? He and his coworkers were drinking and driving. He was "always a passenger," but he actively engaged in this terrible act that could kill others or himself. I found out through a mutual friend that he'd been lying to me about how he got home from crazy parties and club nights. I confronted him. I asked him what the hell was really going on. I told him I knew. And he got so mad and upset. We'd had our pretty bad fights, we've yelled at each other, but I'd never seen him like this. He told me he hated himself, and he told me that he knew I hated him too (and he knew before I did). I poked, prodded, and scolded as he drove down the highway. He yelled, defended, and ground out words through his teeth. This was our ugliest moment. The moment I knew we were done.
We sat in the car in silence, another fifteen minutes left on our drive. He pulled up to my driveway. I looked at him, thanked him for the ride, and then we talked a little more. It was calmer, but it was too late. We hugged. I felt it in my bones that this was the last time. I held it together, until I got into the shower. And then I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. I still don't know what he may have experienced that night, if he experienced anything at all. About a month later, I cut him off completely.
Emotional abuse leaves scars people can't see. Sometimes people find it harder to believe and respect. But the emotional abuse I endured because of him had left me broken.
But the year without him? Probably the best I've ever had. And I'm the happiest I've ever been. I not only put myself back together, I built myself up too.
Yes, I've had some terrible moments in the year. There's no avoiding them, but the difference is that he wasn't there. Which just made it all better. I'm still healing from him, that's for sure, but I am happy.
I figured out who I was without him, and I was so much better. I moved into my first apartment and I got a new car. Two things he's never touched that are mine. I've created and solidified relationships that truly mean something to me. Relationships that are healthy for me and really make me happy.
So while my decision to stop speaking him was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make, it was one of the best. When it comes to toxic relationships like ours was, it usually goes this way.
So if you have someone in your life who you think you love, but they're hurting you and you're unhappy, then you need to let them go. We need to let them go so we can be the best people we can be.
Healing is hard, and I have my good days and my bad days, but healing is worth it. I learned so much about myself. I learned about what I actually enjoyed. I learned how to be happy with myself. I learned that people like him aren't worth it.
So baby steps, right? Let's keep going, let's heal, and let's live.
About the Creator
Title: "Jimmy Carter: An American Excursion of Sympathy and Administration"
In the tranquil town of Fields, Georgia, there carried on with a little fellow named Jimmy who had a voracious interest and endless energy. Since the beginning, he longed for having an effect on the planet, enlivened by the tales of extraordinary legends he read about in books. As Jimmy became older, his feeling of direction just escalated. Not entirely settled to make history, to go to bat for what was correct and battle for the people who couldn't battle for themselves. With a heart loaded with desire and a head brimming with dreams, Jimmy set out on an excursion that would lead him to become perhaps of the most cherished and powerful figure in American history. His name was Jimmy Carter. From his unassuming starting points in provincial Georgia to the consecrated corridors of the White House, Jimmy Carter's process was one of boldness, sympathy, and unflinching commitment to serving others. As a young fellow, Jimmy was attracted to the goals of equity and equity, propelled by the social liberties development that was clearing across the South. He chipped in for the Harmony Corps, venturing out to far off towns in Africa to assist with further developing admittance to medical services and schooling. Yet, it was his re-visitation of Georgia that would genuinely show Jimmy the way to significance. Energized by a longing to make positive change in his own local area, Jimmy hurled himself entirely into nearby governmental issues, ultimately ascending to turn into the legislative head of Georgia. His experience as lead representative was set apart by striking changes and moderate approaches, acquiring him public acknowledgment and making way for his possible campaign for the most elevated position in the land. In 1976, Jimmy Carter was chosen Leader of the US in a notable triumph that caught the creative mind of the country. His administration was characterized by a pledge to harmony, discretion, and common liberties, as he worked energetically to facilitate nonaggression treaties, advance natural protection, and champion the freedoms of ladies and minorities. In any case, maybe Jimmy Carter's most prominent inheritance lies not in that frame of mind of force, but rather in the endless lives he contacted through his generous work and philanthropic endeavors. Indeed, even subsequent to leaving office, Jimmy kept on devoting himself to causes more significant than himself, building homes for the destitute, upholding for worldwide wellbeing drives, and energetically attempting to advance harmony and a majority rules government all over the planet. Today, Jimmy Carter is recollected as an incredible pioneer, yet as a genuine American legend whose empathy, honesty, and unflinching devotion to support keep on moving ages of Americans to take a stab at a superior world. In the quiet town of Fields, Georgia, the sun rose over fields of cotton, giving occasion to feel qualms about a warm gleam the unobtrusive home where Jimmy Carter spent his childhood days. Since the beginning, Jimmy was imparted with the upsides of difficult work, lowliness, and empathy by his caring guardians, Lord and Lillian Carter. As a little fellow, Jimmy's creative mind took off as he ate up books about history, science, and the existences of extraordinary pioneers. He was especially attracted to the tales of Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Martin Luther Lord Jr., whose fortitude and vision motivated him to accept that one individual could genuinely have an effect on the planet. Jimmy's hunger for information drove him to succeed in school, where he separated himself as a splendid and aggressive understudy. He fantasized going to the US Maritime Foundation and serving his country as a maritime official, a fantasy that would at last turn into a reality. In the wake of moving on from the Maritime Foundation in 1946, Jimmy left on a recognized military profession, serving on board submarines and ascending through the positions to turn into a regarded official. It was during this time that Jimmy's feeling of obligation and obligation to support developed, as he saw firsthand the penances made by his kindred servicemen and ladies. In any case, Jimmy's life would go off in a strange direction when his dad became sick and died, provoking him to leave the Naval force and get back to Georgia to assume control over the family nut ranch. It was here, in the midst of the fields of peanuts and cotton, that Jimmy would track down his actual reason for living. Driven by a craving to work on the existences of people around him, Jimmy hurled himself entirely into local area activism and nearby governmental issues, in the end ascending to turn into the legislative leader of Georgia in 1971. His residency as lead representative was set apart by a progression of moderate changes, including extending admittance to medical services, further developing schooling, and advancing racial fairness. In 1976, Jimmy Carter sent off his notable mission for the administration, running on a foundation of trustworthiness, uprightness, and sympathy. Despite everything, Jimmy arose triumphant, turning into the 39th Leader of the US and satisfying his life as a youngster fantasy about serving his country at the most elevated level. As president, Jimmy Carter's initiative was characterized by a pledge to discretion, common liberties, and civil rights. He handled noteworthy nonaggression treaties among Israel and Egypt, advocated the privileges of ladies and minorities, and worked enthusiastically to lighten destitution and craving both at home and abroad. Yet, maybe Jimmy Carter's most persevering through inheritance lies in his post-official years, where he has committed himself to compassionate causes and charity through the Carter Community. From killing illnesses like Guinea worm and stream visual deficiency to advancing majority rules government and compromise all over the planet, Jimmy Carter's enthusiastic endeavors have contacted the existences of millions and roused another age of pioneers to emulate his example. Today, Jimmy Carter's heritage lives on as a brilliant illustration of being a genuine American legend - a man of trustworthiness, empathy, and relentless commitment to serving others. From the cotton fields of Fields, Georgia, to the blessed lobbies of the White House and then some, Jimmy Carter's process reminds us generally that with fortitude, assurance, and an unflinching obligation to our qualities, the sky is the limit.
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