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A Year Without Jealousy

My Path to Ridding Myself of Self-Destructive Behaviour

By Princess ButtercupPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I have always been a jealous person.

I distinctly remember being eight-years-old, watching one of my best friends playing with my older sister, and feeling insanely left out and upset that I wasn't also having fun with them.

In reality, I could've just joined in, but I had (and still have) this weird need to be invited before joining in on anything. I'm not sure where that stems from but that's what I'll be exploring this year.

I know my jealousy is rooted in a deep self-loathing which doesn't make much sense to me because I had a very nice childhood—loving parents, a kind, caring older sister, food to eat, and a roof over my head. I am healthy and capable, had top marks in school, and was generally considered an attractive person.

Aside from a few minor stints of bullying in elementary and high school, there is no real reason that I should be so worried about being disliked, abandoned or left out.

Friends that are driven by astrology tell me that it's because I'm a textbook Scorpio—I feel things intensely and expect loyalty from those around me. When I don't get what I feel I deserve, I try to control the situation and hold firmly to how I expect the other person involved to react and treat me—and when I'm unable to gain control I lash out.

This has plagued my relationships (in early days, friendships, but now it simply floods my romantic attachments), and it's time for it to stop. I'm 28 and would really love to eventually get married and have a family.

My current partner has been very patient with me over the past year and a half, but I think he is reaching his breaking point. We had quite a big blow up on New Year's Eve—we were at his friend's wedding and I was upset that:

  • a) one of his friends was being rude to me (purposely leaving me out of conversations, talking shit about other people there) and I made a comment to my partner about it which made him angry and
  • b) that I left him for five seconds and I came back and his ex-girlfriend was hanging off of him.

He HAS cheated in the past (not physically but with photos and messages via social media), so my trust towards him is slightly less than it would be had we not had any issues. With that said, I've also been this jealous with other guys who didn't do anything wrong SO...

It's time for a change!

How I plan to eradicate my jealousy:

  1. Identify my jealousy triggers and explore where they stem from.
  2. When a jealous feeling arises, I will write it down instead of spitting it out to my partner (in other words, I will journal as much as possible).
  3. I will stop obsessively checking my partner's Facebook and Instagram
  4. Meditate daily to bring myself out of my head and back into my body
  5. Employ Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Cognitive Analytic Therapy techniques to unpack any negative beliefs deeply rooted in my subconscious

This weekend will be a big test—I am already feeling anxious because my boyfriend and I will be going to a party with his friends (and friends of his friends), and upon seeing all of the attractive women going to the event, I'm worried about how I will react to his interactions with them.

Upon reflection, this worry is stemming from:

  • Lack of self-worth and insecurity (duh) - worrying that these women are "better" than me
  • Distrust of my partner's feelings - the belief (that I've created in my own head) that he doesn't actually like me
  • Fear - of being abandoned, of feeling lesser than, of feeling hurt

So how do I plan to cope this weekend?

  1. If I start feeling jealous, I will make a note in my phone and will specify why I'm feeling jealous (this will help me compile my list of triggers).
  2. I will NOT bring up my feelings to my partner.
  3. I will approach all of my interactions from a place of love and openness.

This article from Psychology Today has been very helpful in preparing me for my journey: "6 Ways To Break Free From The Trap Of Jealousy" (http://bit.ly/2CDdP2B).

I'll keep you all posted weekly (if anyone is reading).

humanity
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About the Creator

Princess Buttercup

My writing should say it all. I hope. If not, bring me some tea and let's chat.

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