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Abuse

You can stay strong.

By Karyn SquiresPublished 6 years ago 14 min read
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Light at the end of every tunnel 

I have always loved to write, but I’ve always hit a mental block when certain people come into my life. They distract you with holes and dreams of what could be, and then they crush everything you once loved. This is my story. It’s a painful one to say the least but it is my story.

I moved to Colorado Springs two years ago. Okay okay let me rephrase that. I ran to Colorado Springs two years ago. What was I running from you might ask. Well I had gotten into a bit of legal trouble over something super stupid. I was from a small town where everyone, and I do mean everyone either knew who you were, or they knew your family. Either way what had happened was about to make it incredibly hard for me to find employment anywhere in the town. The only thing that saved my family’s reputation was we didn’t share the same last name. Thank goodness for marriage sometimes ya know.

So I ran to Colorado to a person I had known for many years already. Promising that I wouldn’t have to work. That I could stay home and raise my two boys from a previous relationship. He told me he loved me, and that everything was going to be okay. “Just come home to me” he said. So I sold almost everything I owned, and packed up what I needed along with my two boys, and we moved. Nine hours later we landed in Colorado Springs.

Now I’ve never been one to just sit back and let someone take care of me, and to this day I’m still a strong independent woman that needs to be able to hold their own. A few months into my arrival in the Springs I started getting restless, or as you might understand better a bit of cabin fever set in. The man who said he’d take care of everything began to drink heavily, and began treating me as if I was the housemaid because I didn’t have a job to go to. He began acting a fool around my two boys. He’d cut them down, wake them up At 3am just because he didn’t like how they were acting. He’d call them names to our next door neighbor. The things that were said were incredibly hurtful, but how do you confront someone who drinks on a regular basis? The answer is.....you don’t. As much as I wanted to I knew deep down that nothing I could ever say to him would matter, and sadly I knew he wouldn’t change.

It took me about four months to find a job. I was given a chance, and I was so happy. I could finally pay my way and not have to rely on someone else to take care of things. I didn’t want him holding anything over my head like he was better than I was. I obtained employment doing something I had done previously, and that was delivering pizza. That might not sound like a satisfying job to just anyone, but for me it made me happy, and I’m still doing it to this day almost two years later.

Not long after I started working our lease was coming to an end, and I had also just found out I was pregnant. There was so much stress in the air I almost lost my baby a few times through that pregnancy, but I stayed strong, and so did my baby. I was once again promised that everything was going to be okay, and that all I had to do was trust the man I thought I loved. So I did, but only briefly. I had let him talk me into renting a place, at the time, I thought was outside of our budget. I had just started working. I had no idea what kind of money i would be bringing in, or if I would even be able to cover half the bills. I panicked, and went into survival mode. Since I was in this relationship with a person whom I cared about, and thought he cared about me I figured the most logical way to address the situation was to talk about my fears with him. I didn’t want either of us to get sucked into something we might not of been able to afford. Well that didn’t go over so well.

It didn’t matter how many times I went over this conversation in my head the pregnancy hormones made it all come out super wrong. He freaked out on me, and wouldn’t listen to my concerns, and that made me angry. So I grabbed the closest thing to me and threw it in his direction. Mind you I completely missed because I’m a horrible shot. He turned around and canceled the deposit check all the while yelling at me “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!!” I wa sin shock. What had just happened? He told me that I should find the next place to live at that point because the place he wanted wasn’t what I wanted. Or so that’s what it seemed. Totally not the case. He had taken my fears and doubts and made me doubt myself. In turn I felt really bad about the whole situation, and turned around and apologized later that day.

For the next week I spent looking into places I thought we could afford only to find that the apartments I was looking into were all income restricted. I’m from a small town remember, and I didn’t understand what that meant. We ended up settling on the apartment complex that was right next door because no one had anything available for at least a month or two out, and we needed to move fast.

Not two weeks into our new place his drinking got way out of hand. The emotional abuse began to quickly turn into verbal abuse. Not only towards me, but it continued towards my boys as well. I tried so hard to not let it bother me, and continued to work, and I kept reassuring my boys that we would be okay. I caught myself on multiple occasions telling my boys “just don’t listen to him” or “just stay out of his way.”

On the fourteenth night of us being into the new apartment I came home from work exhausted. I knew he had been drinking all day it was his day off after all. This man I thought loved and cared about me tried to grope me as I walked through the front door. I told him to stop repeatedly to no avail he continued. So I slapped him across the face, and walked away. He began verbally putting me down telling me I needed to go have an abortion. That the world didn’t need anymore of my dna. Telling me that my kids were worthless. I knew he was drunk so I left the complex to go to our old apartment. We still hadn’t fully moved out yet so we still had furniture there. I figured I’ll sleep here tonight and let him cool off. The texts got steadily worse, and turned to threats towards my kids. He continued to tell me he was going to drop them off somewhere and leave them. Let the homeless people take them and have their way with them. I had a sole duty and that was to protect them. So I went back.

I confronted this man I thought I loved, and asked him what his deal was. Our argument went long into the night. Before I knew it was already 3am. He was slurring his words and stumbling over things repeatedly tried shutting my foot in the door only to find out later he broke the door in the process. When he couldn’t physically hurt me with the door he wrapped his hands around my throat, and proceed to strangle me. The entire time my youngest son is in the room behind me witnessing the entire thing. I shoved my thumb deep into his throat to get him to let go, and locked myself in the bedroom with my kids. Needless to say I didn’t sleep that night. The following morning I continued to get threats, and he continued to emotionally and verbally abuse me. He tried to shove his way into the room I was in with my boys to obtain a tv that he had given to them. I had told him if he wanted it so bad he could have it. So I tossed that piece of crap into the hallway. He turned around and called the police telling them I threw it at him and that he was scared for his life. The police left nothing came of his call. I kept away from him went to work, ate in the bedroom with my kids when I came home, didn’t talk to him or even acknowledge he was even in the same house I was.

The threats continued. He told me I had to leave and if I didn’t leave he would have me evicted by throwing loud parties until we were no longer allowed to stay. By this time I had had enough. I got up early the next day, took my kids down to the courthouse and filed a restraining order against him. Making it so he wasn’t allowed to be around us. That lasted about a month, but he found a different apartment, and moved out. I was on my own with a rent payment I didn’t know if I’d be able to make, and we still had a whole year left on our lease.

I’m not going to lie I was scared. This city was new to me. We weren’t in the greatest of areas. I had just started working only three months prior, and now I was pregnant. The man that made promises to me had just physically, mentally, and verbally abused me, and then left. Okay so I made him leave. That fool was just that....a fool. I ended up getting a roommate who had sunk into a deep depression and would t find work for a few months which left me scrambling to make ends meet. My roommate finally got a job in August, and helped with bills and the kids, and then he got himself a drug addiction. He had to go. One of his buddies, who happened to be my neighbor across the way, tried breaking into my house at one point. There were always random people around that shared his addiction. I want about to put up with that crap. He had to go. So away he went.

It was almost December, and I was alone with two kids, eight months pregnant, and on my own again. I had a few friends around the complex that helped me out in my time of need which I am eternally grateful for. Without them I don’t know what I would of done. My daughter arrived into the world halfway through the month of December to which I drove myself to the hospital in full blown labor. Mean what else was I supposed to do? I was alone. I contemplated calling my ex to let him know his daughter was born, but decided against it. After all the the many hateful, and hurtful things came flooding back into my head from months ago that he had told me. I didn’t need to deal with that. I needed to bond with my sweet little girl that had just come into the world.

I waited a few weeks before telling him she had arrived, and asked if he wanted to meet her. He did want to, but only if it were in a public place to which I agreed. I knew if we were in a public place the chances of him cutting me down, and abusing me were very slim. He had to uphold a certain image being a hotel manager and all. We continued to talk over the next few months and he would watch our daughter twice a week for me so I could work. There is no such thing as maternity leave when you are a single mom so I went back to work two weeks after she was born. Bills aren’t going to pay themselves.

Our leases were coming to and end again, and I had figured that maybe now that he was a father his tone would change. Once again I was wrong. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. My heart still had feelings for him. For what reason I’ll never know, but we moved back in together. I know I was dumb for making that decision, and yes I’m sitting here writing this kicking myself in the ass for it as we speak.

The hopes and dreams of our future, and buying a house together all started coming out, but the abuse came back with it. We started arguing more, and his drinking increased. He would blow up my phone with hurtful texts while I was at work. Complain about the boys constantly, and that the house was always a mess. He acted like I was supposed to take care of it all. Didn’t take into consideration of what my feelings were or how he was acting towards me. It always came back as I was the crazy one. That I was the one that needed help. I’m the one that’s abusive. With all that being said I started to doubt myself again. Maybe I was the problem. Maybe this was my fault. Maybe I really was worthless.

He snapped one day due to lack of sleep as our daughter was teething, and constantly fussy, and back handed me across the face. I was in shock. I’m not one to retaliate so I stood there in utter disbelief. “I can’t believe you did that!” I yelled at him before I turned and called the police. The police took over an hour to show up, and he manipulated them into thinking he fell, and was trying to catch himself. Told them he had never laid a hand on me. He didn’t go to jail.

We talked things through and were okay for about a week or so. Well I acted like I was okay with everything even though I wasn’t. He went right back to his old ways. Just like clock work. We argued more and he antagonized the situation to where the police had to come out again. Once again nothing came of their visit. I stayed with a friend for a few days to let the world calm down. The day I came home I tried sleeping on the couch away from him just so we wouldn’t fight. It was then he decided to take sex from me I told him no I didn’t want to have sex I told him I was hurting. I told him to stop yet he continued. “I told you if you refused I was just going to take it from you didn’t I?” I pleaded a few more times for him to stop to which my pleas went unheard. “You I have to wait until you are completely asleep to take it from you?” Is what he whispered into my ear. My body just gave in all I could do was lay there and cry. I had never felt so disgusted in my life.

It is now thanksgiving. I got all excited to finally have a family dinner, had my girlfriend come by. And this guy I’ve been going through all of this with starts acting stupid in front of company. My girlfriend had a general idea of how he has acted in the past so it wasn’t a shock to her when I was getting irritated with his childish behavior. I confronted him again only to have him spin everything, and make it seem like I was crazy one...again. Well a few days ago, you guessed it folks, he packed his things and left. Dropping yet another apartment on me that I can’t afford. Left us all. I can’t say I’m not sad because a part of me is. The empathetic part of me, but the other part of me says good bye. I don’t need that abuse in my life. My kids definitely don’t need that in their lives. I’m back to being alone. But this time I’m not scared. Little worried about the unknown, but most definitely not scared. One day I’ll find the guy that treats me and my boys the way we should be treated.

Moral of the story—don’t put up with any kind of abuse. You’re worth more than you know. Be strong and keep your independence.

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About the Creator

Karyn Squires

As life changes so do I. Living life as it comes one day at a time.

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