'Addiction' - A Short Story

“I can’t just sit by and do nothing when you’re suffering so much.”

They were sitting on the couch, Shawn’s legs carelessly thrown against Hunter’s. The air felt cold to the touch, and for whatever reason, Shawn did too.

“There’s nothing you can do,” Shawn said.

“Bullshit, Shawn,” Hunter snapped, pushing his body from the cushion. “You’re dying, and I’m tired of watching.”

“But I’m not dying,” Shawn responded. “I’ve never felt more alive.”

Hunter’s eyes welled with tears. “I can’t do this anymore, Shawn. Not with you.”

Shawn’s eyes were glassy, another sign that Hunter couldn’t ignore. Shawn stumbled to his feet but was caught by the coffee table in front of him. Hunter reached out to hold him instinctively.

“I’m okay,” Shawn mumbled through the cotton of Hunter’s shirt.

Hunter ran his fingers through his hair. “No, Shawn, you’re not.”

With all the strength he had, Shawn pushed himself off of Hunter before the smell of his cologne rendered him helpless, and they would fall asleep like nothing ever happened. A cycle he was tired of fighting.

Hunter helped Shawn back to the couch. He’d never admit it, but leaning on Hunter was the most embarrassed Shawn had been in his life.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Hunter said quietly sitting back down next to him, his fit of anger finally subsided.

“I’m scared you already have,” Shawn admitted. “Why do you think I keep pushing you away?”

Hunter slid his thumb across his knuckle as Shawn spoke. Something about the repetitive motion relaxed him.

“I don’t want you to come home one day to find me dead. It’s better off if you don’t have to see it. You’ve seen enough.”

“It’s my fault,” Hunter said flipping through the channels of the television. Anything to avoid Shawn’s stare. “I would’ve fought for you, Shawn, but you didn’t let me. You shut me out, but I let you. I let you push me away because that’s what I thought you needed. I was weak. And if I could go back and do it all over, I would. Anything to get you back.”

“I hate what I’ve done to you,” Shawn said.

“Yeah,” Hunter said. “I do too, but it seems like you have no one to blame but yourself.”

Shawn stopped twisting the hem of his shirt and faced him. “Do you think I like waking up with your arms wrapped so tightly around my chest that I can’t breathe?”

Hunter’s eyes fell. Shawn continued.

“Do you think I like having you sit outside the bathroom door because you’re worried that I’ll hurt myself? Do you think it’s fun to have you talk for me at meetings because you’re worried what I might say? Do you honestly think that this is some sort of ego trip for me? I hate it, Hunter. I hate it so much.”

“I hate it too, Shawn. I hate worrying about you all the time. So much that I can’t sleep at night because all I want to do is feel your heartbeat, but when I do, I wonder how long I will.”

“I’m sorry,” Shawn admitted.

Hunter chuckled. “You’re sorry? All these years you’ve broken my heart and all you can say is 'I’m sorry?'”

“I know you don’t believe me, and I know I don’t have any right to ask you to,” Shawn began. The tone of his voice was panic. Hunter had only heard it a few times. “But I need you, Hunter. I don’t know what I’d do if you walked out that door. You’re the only one who gives a shit if I live or die. I need you! Please don’t go. I’ll prove it to you. I’ll be better. I promise. Please.”

The tears were pouring from Shawn’s eyes. His breathing heavy and fast. Shawn reached for Hunter and pulled him to the couch. Hunter wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his chest.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” he soothed. “Just listen to my heartbeat. Focus on that.”

Shawn calmed and relaxed into his arms.

“You don’t have to do this alone,” Hunter said. “I’ll stay right here.”

“I’m not fine,” Shawn admitted. “I know I said I was, but I’m not.”

“I know,” Hunter soothed. “I know.”