After Death

There is always one call that can change a person’s life forever. You pick up the phone and hear those three words that shatter your Earth and existence in just one single moment. Those words are “ - has died." In that moment your body goes into shock, feeling hysterically numb, and if you loved this person a lot you find yourself falling into a depression you can’t seem to find your way out of. The endless pit of pain and how you want to end it all so you no longer have to grieve. It would all just dissipate.

I heard it was suicide, but that didn’t make sense to me. You always told me you wanted me to live and to breathe and to love. The days leading up to your funeral I tried to make sense of everything yet I couldn’t. It wasn’t real until the day I was suppose to say goodbye for the very last time.

The day of your funeral I saw you lying there and I felt like I couldn’t move, my legs felt weak like I didn’t know how to stand on my own two feet anymore. I walked up their holding my breath, hoping this nightmare would end and I’d wake up. You held me up and now that you’re gone I feel like I’m falling every second of every day.

The days after I searched for a sign or anything significant that would make me believe you were here watching over me. I would ask God to give me one more minute with you or to give me a reason of why you had to leave before I got the chance to tell you goodbye, to hold you one more time. I dream about you time and time again about everything we had done together.

The way your lips pressed into mine, the innocence of your touch on my back and the love you gave which was very rarely returned.

A month later and I’m still picking up the pieces you left behind for me. Still trying to get off of the ground where you are right beneath me.

There are no more hugs, no last touch, there will be no more of hearing your laugh. You took a piece of me I will never get back and now you’ve left me here to find it all on my own.

Take me back to the night we met, the night where it was all made right. Playing back the scenes in my head on repeat. At fourteen I fell for you, at sixteen I was over you, at seventeen we became friends again and at nineteen we were close. At twenty I was alone and you will forever remain twenty-three.

I will go on in life blaiming myself, wandering if there was anything I could have done that would have kept you alive. Hurting because the peice you took will never be put back, you took it with you when you died and placed it six feet under where I would never be able to grasp it.

In my dreams it feels real, like you are still alive and able to touch me.

Every single dream I ask you why you left me and I cry out to you. You look at me and softly tuck my hair behind my ear. You have no words to say and it’s quiet in my dreams but in my mind when I’m awake it’s constantly screaming in a rage.

I sit here knowing I’ll never know the truth behind your death. After death you left me with all the pain and sorrow that is hard to manage. After death you gave me no choice to try and bring you life and happiness. After death you soared me into a depression, a real life monster that hasn’t went away.

Until we meet again, I’ll face these demons on my own and try to live and breathe without the person who helped me stay on my own two feet.