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You know, I sit here everyday and go through about 20 emotional changes through out that day. I just recently got out of a three year relationship and the way I was left feeling... the hurt that came with the break-up... Honestly, it brought me to my knees. And at the time, I was very ashamed of myself for letting someone have that power to really hurt me. But in truth, that person had been hurting me for such a long time. Now there were times when I fucked up and I hurt her. I was wrong for those times. But in that span, she'd betrayed me and really hurt my feelings. I just needed someone else to turn to. Someone I could trust. it is no excuse for my actions, but that is why I did it. At the end of everything, I still stayed. I CHOSE to stay because some part of me still held love for the person I was with. I really had no idea how. We would fight so much and eventually the fights turned physical, and violent. I'd never thought that when we'd started that we'd end up there, but we did.
The sucky part?
Not all of our times were bad. There were instances where we would sing songs with each other, hold one another, laugh together. There were REAL moments where I felt that that person loved me. But when someone says that the other person always cares more, please believe them. Someone's feelings are truly more invested in your relationship than someone else's. You don't know how bad I wish it wasn't true.
Down the road I saw a lot of things I didn't like. I guess the person I was with did too.
There were genuine times where I really tried to handle things like a mature adult and talk about the things that were plaguing me or making me feel uncomfortable. But my person would share nothing with me, and everything with their ex's. Eventually I was getting so sad and felt more alone in my relationship than I should have. I really tried. I even went on a relationship website and spoke to someone. Have you ever tried SO, SO hard to make it work with someone, but you were the only one working to make it work?
Somewhere along the line I lost my person to someone else. Someone who should have never been able to even THINK that she could take my place. But it was also the person I was in a relationship with's job to shut that down. I guess after reading this far, you can guess that that's not what she did.
As of late I was having a really hard time with life. I am beyond stressed and things keep on halting me in my steps towards a better life for myself and my kitties. Some days I'm just so sad and my heart aches, and I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. There are real moments of rage and disappointment and I am still trying to handle it all. But it has been raining like crazy over here and I've gotten caught in two of those torrential downpours. Which means, my phone got wet. This phone isn't waterproof. Apparently my now ex wrote me because she was depressed. About what I don't know. I didn't receive any of her messages due to my phone having a mind of its own lately. I calmly explained this to her and she continued to go off on me about how I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and a part of me wanted to scream that she hadn't been there for me when I needed her, and that I was going through a lot too. It may have been a petty answer to give but it almost slipped past my lips. It has only been a short time since all of this happened and I am trying to heal. Is it wrong that I need to worry about me and my feelings right now? Because I was the one torn apart, and she just continued on living like she didn't break my heart. Or even that her heart wasn't a little broken. She'd wanted this. So my remorse for how she felt was almost transparent.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not implying that she feels no pain, but she still has the girl that she initially left me over in her car every night. I literally, at the end of our relationship, watch her put this girl first.
Even now my anger boils over. She harmed my animals, disrespected me, whined about helping me pay A bill, because I live alone and the plan originally was that we did this together, but on the day I moved in, she backed out on me. And I STILL forgave.
She now complains that I was not there for her but for a long time she wasn't there for me. Now she wants me to be her friend and be there for her because she "can't go without me in her life."
Then she shouldn't have left me.
My bottom line is that maybe, whoever is reading this, cares more than the other person, or is in a situation similar to mine, I just want to let you guys know that you aren't alone. And that I know that it's hard to have your heart shattered into microscopic fragments and try to put it back together yourself. I know. And trust me when I say that at the end of all of this, we will come back, stronger, and wiser people. If anyone needs to talk or just needs reassurance in things that they can't talk to other people about, I'm here to listen. Because we all need just that. Someone to listen.