Alone

I know you have had to have heard that cliche saying, "I feel alone, even in a crowded room." I was one of the people who thought that I would never feel that way. I'm a happy person, or at least I was. Or maybe I still am, it's just that part of me is hidden under all the really dark, angry, and sad parts of me.

It all started with a boy. Yeah, I know, I already sound like a typical heartbroken girl. I promise I'm not though... well, that's for you to decide I guess. But this boy wasn't just any boy, he's the father to my now 3-year-old son, who I thought was my person.

We met when we were very young. I had to have been about 7 years old, yet I was already very aware that I liked boys. Especially this boy. He was a year older than me, so I usually hung out around his younger brother, because my group of friends were very close with his family. So me, being the little creeper I was, would just crush and be googly eyed over him from afar. This went on until I was 15. Then suddenly, he was crushing on me back.

I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday. It wasn't really romantic, and we weren't even alone (it's not as weird as it sounds). I had a couple of my friends over to go swimming, him being one of them. We all ended up watching a movie in my room, and everyone fell asleep, or so we thought. He leaned over and our faces were an inch apart, and I just did it. I kissed him, and thankfully he kissed back. So, us being hormonal teenagers, we went for it. A full-on make out sesh. It was pretty magical to 15-year-old me, until my friend spoke out of nowhere: "are you guys making out?" It was pretty awkward, but I remember not caring. I had just kissed my entire childhood crush! Plus, not to boost his ego, but he was a great kisser.

Fast forward 3 months, we were attached at the hip. Everywhere I was, he was right next to me and vice versa. But, we still weren't official. In teenage world, labels are pretty serious. So I started to joke around a give him shit about him not asking me out. I even got into an actual argument with him in a Home Depot parking lot about it. I actually started crying and sat down in one of those sheds they model out front (I know, it's very dramatic). I went home that night, not expecting what was about to happen. Suddenly, I heard "Little Things" by One Direction being played very loud outside my house, and then came a knock on my door. One thing you should know about me, is Love Actually is one of my favorite movies of all time, which he knew. So when I opened the door, he recreated my favorite scene from the movie when Andrew Lincoln's character holds up the cards to Keira Knightley's character and tells her he loves her and blah blah blah. It was totally cheesy, but I was totally in love.

So you know, two teenagers in love means lots and lots of sex. Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the truth. We couldn't get enough of each other. And me, the now 16-year-old girl who thought she was invincible, also thought she couldn't get pregnant. Well, spoiler alert you guys, I was officially knocked up.

I was scared. Terrified, actually. I had always heard of girls getting pregnant young, but I never thought I would be one. We were going to have to give up both of our young lives. But somehow, he made me feel safe. I knew I loved him. I loved him more than I had ever loved anything and anyone. So when he didn't run, or suggest terminating the baby, I had a feeling that this wasn't just some teenage fling. This is my soulmate. This is the person I was meant to live my entire life with him right by my side.

9 months later, our baby boy came into the world. He was beautiful. I didn't think I could love him more until I saw how in love he was with our son. He was so good with him, he was so good to me.

Time passes, our son is now 1. Things have gotten a little rocky, but I put it to the back of mind because I thought it was normal to go through rough patches in relationships. I mean at this point, we'd been together two years. So we've had our fair share of fights. I truly believed that it would get better. Well, it didn't.

I had plans to make something of myself for not only myself, but for my son. I was raised by a single mom, so I only knew working hard and independence. She never relied on anyone, which I thought was amazing. So even though I loved him with my whole heart and appreciated him working for my son and I, I wanted to provide for us too. I wanted an education beyond high school. For some reason, that didn't sit right with him, which kind of really angered me. Why didn't he want me to better myself? Not only that, but he started accuse me of cheating, or not loving him. He started to put me down constantly. Not saying that I didn't say my fair share of hurtful things, but it just got unbearable. I would look at my friend's boyfriends treating them like queens, and I felt like I was missing something.

So, one day, I did it. We got into a huge fight, and I told him we needed to take a break. I needed to find myself, work on my career, and basically just needed some alone time to think. He cried, a lot. So did I. I truly loved this person with my entire being. I was only doing it so we could be better for ourselves, each other, and our son.

During this "break", I still loved and wanted to see him. This also included sexual needs. I know, you should never complicate things with sex. I couldn't help it though. He knew my body like the back of his hand. Sex with someone that you love, it's different than just random hookups. It's ten times more euphoric. So yeah, we kept sleeping together. Which ended in a complete shit show.

I found out he had been sleeping with my cousin. Yes, you read correctly. My cousin. It's pretty sick, and believe me, I was sick. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. How could two significant people in your life, one being the love of your life, and the other being your own flesh and blood, do something so cruel? It still blows my mind. Not only did I find this out, but he had also been cheating on me during our relationship with other girls. I didn't want to believe it. Not him. Not this person who I trusted with my life, not the man I started a family with, no. It couldn't be possible. But it was. It was life; life had actually slapped me in the face. He was in love with me one day, and not the next. My whole world had done a complete 360 in a day.

He sat down to talk to me about it one day, so I could get some closure... if that's what you even want to call it. He was completely emotionless. As I sat pathetically in front of him, crying my eyes out, begging to know what I did to deserve this, he just looked at me with a blank stare. He told me it was my fault, that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I brought this upon myself. I shouldn't have made him move out, or maybe this wouldn't have happened. Like he hadn't already been cheating on me before that.

I felt so weak. I had never felt this kind of pain in my life. My heart psychically hurt. My lungs felt like they would collapse any second because I couldn't catch my breath from crying so much. I couldn't eat, sleep, laugh, smile, etc. The hardest part is that I have this child looking up to me, depending on me to be the light of his life. I couldn't just stay in bed all day crying and taking depression naps. I had to get up and be this little boy's mom.

The hurt went on for a long time. Then I went numb. I'm still numb. I hate it so much. Now, even 2 years later, I still can't open up. I can't have relationships because the fear of being hurt is so overpowering. I've had men that I've really liked, and things would almost get serious, like staying the night and sleeping next to them. I couldn't do it, I still can't. Getting close is actually one of my greatest fears now, and it's fucking miserable.

Now, I feel alone in every crowded room. I'm living the cliche saying. I can be surrounded by family, or in a room full of friends, or at a party with multiple people having amazing conversations and laughing... and it'll just hit me. The sadness. The sinking feeling that yes, I have great friends and family, the most amazing and beautiful son, but I don't have a person anymore. Someone I can laugh with in bed at 2 AM. Someone I can talk to about my theories and them not think I'm complete crazy person. Someone to think I'm beautiful on a Sunday morning when I'm hungover and look a complete mess. Just someone to love me, who won't even think about hurting me or leaving me. Someone who won't let me feel alone.