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Alone

You just don’t understand.

There is no gentle way to say this; believe me when I tell you I have rattled my brain over and over trying to figure out how to explain what I'm feeling without sounding brash or bitter. Each time I search for the words to give the explanation you're looking for, they become colder and seemingly more cynical.


I'm trying to keep some sort of decorum, but each time you look at me and question why there is so much darkness in my eyes, I realize there is no easy way to bare my soul. There is only one way I can wear my heart on my sleeve; unfiltered.  


You want to know? Fine; but please understand I mean no ill will. I do not speak these words with a venomous tongue or envious heart.  


The truth of the matter is, I am heartbroken. No, I am beyond heartbroken. And it's not because of a specific person or particular event. The sadness that has filled my life for so many days derives from the hole that has been left in my chest. 


As I look around, I see it all—the proposals, the marriages, the planning and the babies to be. I know the joy that covers the faces of so many. I see the happily-ever-afters forming, and how everyone seems to be writing their next chapter. 
I am happy for you all; from the bottom of my heart, I swear to you I am, but it's getting harder to watch. It's getting harder to hold my breath while people utter those dreadful terms of endearment like, "It'll happen for you too," or "You're such a great catch," and, "The right one just hasn't come along yet." 
 

That's what you don't understand. It's easy to have hope when you're in a good place. It's easy to believe that it'll all work out; that the best is on its way. But what you've all forgotten is how, once upon a time you, were standing in my shoes, crying my cries, praying my prayers. What you've lost sight of is that before you were good, you were bad; really bad, borderline tragic. 
 

Sure, it only takes a moment for everything to change. For the emptiness and the heartache to dissipate. But until that happens, the hopeful words and the "hang in there"s just make it worse. It's a bitter thing to say, but the loved have no place giving advice to the unloved. 
 

So while I continue to swallow everything that's happening around me by painting on a smile and keeping my sleepless nights & tear-soaked pillows a secret, I die a little more inside. 
See, I deserve that happy-ever-after. I'm the one who should be wisped away in love right now. I'm the one who should never have to return home to a vacant bed. 
I beseech you, try to comprehend that by me saying these things does not mean I am saying you do not deserve them; because of course, you do. 
What I mean is, I do too.


 It's all becoming unbearable. The conversations, the photos, the announcements, and the mandatory involvement. All of these things keep driving the knife in a little deeper. I told you, there is no easy way to say this. There are no words that will make this sound any less crude. Maybe that's why it hurts so bad; because no matter how I respond to your "what's wrong"s, it's going to come out so rancorous. 
 

So I am sorry. I am sorry the explanation of why the light is no longer in my eyes and why I am ridden with woe & sorrow comes off in a vitriolic way, but there is no other way to describe it. 
 

I hope you're all right. I hope that one day it does happen for me and that right now I'm merely dealing with something everyone goes through before they find their person. But until that day comes, please accept that your friend is in pain right now. Understand why I may be distant or self- confined. And please, forgive me. This does not mean I love you any less, it just means that right now I'm finding it hard to love myself. 
 


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