Amnesia

Heartbreak can destroy you. It’s not the part where the relationship ends that makes it the hardest. It’s not how it took place, or where you were, or the last words that hung in the air like thick, black chimney smoke circling around you. It’s when you are sitting in bed at 3 AM with this empty, sulking feeling in your chest as you think back to the moments that lead up to the end. It’s remembering how it felt to hold their hand and be in their arms at night. It’s remembering how it felt to see their eyes look at you with pure adoration and love. It’s remembering how it felt to feel their lips against yours, as sweet as velvet, and the fluttering feeling that radiates from your body. It’s feeling complete for a single moment in this incomplete universe.

Now you sit there in your room alone wondering where everything went wrong. How can you go from spending your life with someone to there being nothing? There is nothing left except for the memories you shared. There is nothing left but the empty, throbbing feeling in your chest every time you imagine their face, or the aroma you smelt as you laid your head in the crook of their neck, or how it felt to run your fingers through their hair and watch them fall asleep. Seeing them lying there with no worries in the world brings you the most joy. Memories like that make you want to wiggle yourself into the deepest part of your mind and replay those memories over and over, no matter how much it hurts.

It hurts even more when you are thinking about your time with them and you recall how happy they made you. It’s insane how one person can light up your world in an instant. They lit up your life like a blazing fire. The flames danced with grace and elegance over and through everything in your life. Your happiness became based around them. But the moment the flames died out there was nothing left but ashes and skeletons of what your life used to be before them. You are a ghost of your former self. The person you was before and even during the time you shared with them is gone. Who are you now? Who are you without the flames and the beauty?

I wish I could forget. I wish I wasn’t haunted by the memories every single day. I wish that my happiness was not based on them being in my life. Could I ever get lucky enough to wake up one day and forget everything? Could I ever get lucky enough to forget how they laugh, or the deep, mesmerizing color of their eyes? Could I ever get lucky enough to not long to be in their arms again, which became the closest thing to home that I’ve ever known? I wish that I could wake up with amnesia. I want to forget. I’m tired, oh I’m so tired, of being right here in this bed and replaying the moment my life fell apart. I’m tired of at night feeling the throbbing, aching feeling in my chest as I replay over and over again our last goodbye or our last ‘I love you’. God, I loved hearing them say that. I imagine how their voice sounded as smooth as velvet each time they told me so. It gently glided off their tongue and fell through their lips, and made me feel things that I can’t even put into words. It was the best feeling in the world to be the person that they loved. But now it breaks my heart to think about how I am not that person anymore.

Please, oh please, let me wake up and forget you.