Amor Fati

I became obsessed with the concept of Amor Fati when I was 25. I thought I had just met a great guy, and that maybe for once things were going to go the way I had hoped they would. While the idea of marriage, child birth, long term commitment all scare the hell out of me... I still find myself craving a life partner. Someone that I can enjoy the beauty of the world with. Something I think we all want to some varying degree.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't work out. While it was never anything really serious, I still found myself yet again at a loss.

"Why does this keep happening? Am I not lovable? When will it be my turn?"

It was around that time that a song I had never heard, by a band I had no idea even existed, showed up in a rotation on one of my Pandora stations. The melody of the song just flowed through my body, each note wrapping itself around my muscle fibers and my bones. Each word sank deeply into my veins and seared through my bloodstream. And all because of a song, I stumbled upon a concept that still continues to amaze me.

I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who makes things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer...My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it… but love it.

Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science (1882), Ecce Homo (1888, 1908)

As time passed, the more I learned this concept, this "love of one's fate" as it is translated from Latin. It helped me to heal from the hurt that this man left in his wake. At that moment in time, Amor Fati wasn't just a concept; it was a mindset that I was adopting. To love one's own fate is to take everything that happens in your life, all the pain and the heartbreak, all the joy and the beauty, and to look at these things and be able to comprehend the beauty within both. These moments are meant to be embraced rather than regretted and pushed back into the corners of our hearts and minds.

They are to be cherished and revered for what they are and the person that they are creating. By embracing everything within these moments, we forge who we are, we become better having gone through them. So that like oxygen to a fire, obstacles and adversity become fuel to create your potential.

I think about those two words and their meaning every single time something doesn't go as planned or is out of my control. I even had those two words tattooed on my inner arm, so that only I know they are there and what they mean to me.

Years later, here I sit remembering where I was then and where I am now. Looking at my arm, at the half sleeve piece that has come to fruition after time gone by. Those two little words, where only I can see them and know that they are there. But more importantly, remembering why I put them there in the first place. This concept brought me back to from the edge of a negative thought process that, at the time, I could not bring myself out of.

Had it not been for that moment listening to that Pandora station and that song, who knows where I would be now. More importantly, I would not be sitting here, writing this, and recalling how I felt when he left, when he didn't chose me. Remembering that it was ok. That I am ok. That, while things did not work out the way I had hoped, I don't regret any decision made because it has made me who I am, a woman with so much heart and love to give, even when some do not deserve or earn it or take it for granted. Making my capacity to still love life after all that has happened my greatest strength.

And right now, I can say that with the utmost certainty, I love my life. I embrace and love who I have been, who I am, and who I will be. I know that one day, I'll have a life partner who can see and say the same. So for now, I'll just continue to enjoy this life I am creating.

"Don't try to fightWhat's not your faultLet go, reach outThe choice is yours to find.Inside you've gotThe light to guideYour fate decidesThe roads you're going to find.Relax, slow downLet hope decide.Even though he's hard to forgetWhen you can't afford loveChasing all your thoughts you know thatYou'll be all right in time.Inside you've gotThe light to guideYour fate decidesThe roads your going to find.Inside you've gotThe light to guideYour fate decidesThe roads you're going to find."