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I met my fiance on Tinder. That's the honest story. The story we tell people, because of the stigma that comes with saying we met online, is that we met through mutual friends. But now that we're a year into the engagement, I have no shame in admitting this. I met my fiance on Tinder, and it was the best decision I have ever made. Because of this, I want to share with you, Reader, what my honest Tinder profile would be, even if I had never met my fiance, so here goes.
I'm Evan. I'm 24. I work as a paraeducator. I'm always busy. I know that seems like code for "won't have time to ever hang out with you," but I sincerely mean that I am, 9/10 times, busy, and the 1/10 times that I am not busy, I am taking time for myself. My life usually consists of running around and doing various things, and I won't even lie to you, that makes me the happiest in the world. Knowing that when I walk out my front door some small adventure is waiting for me is thrilling. It's like the high runners get after finishing a half marathon (which I could never do because running is against every religious belief I have, and you can't tell me otherwise. So is kale, but that is a MUCH different story). For me, the best adventures are the ones where you learn about yourself in the process. You know the countless amounts of times that I find a book that I remember from that one class I had when I was 7, and the immediate nostalgia hits? It's countless. And that's the adventure of a lifetime, to be honest with you.
When I am not educating young minds, I work as an actor. For the stage. I'm not Tom Cruise or anything, nor would I ever want to be (which is not a slight against Mr. Cruise; he is one of the most talented film actors on the planet). What does that mean? It does mean, in fact, that quietly (or not, ask my fiance for proof) I will break out into song randomly. If the music makes me lose control, that's a thing and I'm not ashamed to admit it. But the stereotype that I want to destroy right damn now is that, no, I don't just listen to show tunes. Yes, Lin-Manuel Miranda is my #MCM, but he's been that since In the Heights came out. And sure, anytime Ben Platt opens his stupid talented mouth on the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack, I get misty-eyed, but it's because he's SO. DAMN. TALENTED.
However, most of the time, I will listen to what I feel like on that day. So some days, I'll only wanna listen to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire." Some days, Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness" is the walking jam. And yes, some days I wanna feel like a goddamn cowboy, so I'll put on some Tim McGraw and yodel with mad abandon. I want to be with someone who will appreciate art, in all of its messy glory, and even if they hate it, they'll come with me because they want me to be happy. In return, I want to do something that will make them happy, like eat a salad or go through Barnes and Noble with the speed of two snails in a relay race. They put their life on hold for me to enjoy something special, and I want to do the same for them.
Food. Let's talk food, shall we? Food and I have a love that rivals Leo and Kate in Titanic. Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" was actually written to describe my love affair with macaroni and cheese. Right damn now, I'll tell you that I'm never gonna be the ripped muscle man that Channing Tatum is. On a good day, I look a lot like a pre Jurassic World, middle of Parks and Rec a la season 4 Chris Pratt. And that's totally fine. I enjoy things that are not lima bean or kale or green pea in nature, and that's my choice. So. Let's get food sometime. The food may be subpar, but the conversation will always be sterling, and you can take that to the bank.
Here is what I want in an ideal partner (and luckily have found), and for those looking for the ideal partner, let me just say that it's a marathon, not a sprint. If you find them maybe 30 seconds after this article is published, good! If you find them 30 years after this article is published, bully. Go at whatever speed you need to. In that marathon, there are a few things you want to be.
Promise me/them that you'll be kind. Be considerate. Try and get along with my/their family. Like my/their dogs. Yell at cooking shows with me/them because you know goddamn good and well that a smoked salmon cupcake with a seaweed cream cheese and toasted seaweed chips makes a terrible cupcake, and sometimes your TV has to feel that particular rage. Go to bed and take BuzzFeed quizzes and let me/them deny with ever fiber of my being that in no universe, alternative or otherwise, am I/they Monica Gellar. We ALL know that the best combination is the three-way of Joey/Chandler/Phoebe; fight me/them on it if you disagree. The thing that I/they want most? Just like me/them for me/them and nothing else. That's all that we've wanted for longer than you could possibly know. And yeah, that's a line from Dear Evan Hansen, but what's it to you?
Think you are up for this challenge? Then, swipe right on this profile because hopefully, in a year or two from now, you'll be lucky enough to find your lobster, just like I did, and it will be right in the nick of time.