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An Autistic Romance

The awakening of a different kind of love.

By Dora UpchurchPublished 7 years ago 7 min read
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I am 31 years old. I am not who I thought I'd be and I'm most definitely not where I thought I'd be on the path of life. 11 years, 7 Months, and 21 days ago, I met the man of my dreams. I don't know that I would call it love at first sight because I don't believe in love at first sight. I never have. People have so much more depth than just what you see at first sight. I fall in love with souls and minds, not appearances. However, his appearance did help.

It wasn't his body. It was everything that seemed out of the ordinary about this man. What he was wearing was different, his laugh was different, his hair was long and crazy. There was always something about him that struck me as mesmerizing. I occasionally questioned it but always shook it off as that's just who he is.

Today, that very man is divorcing me. Today, he and I have three amazing young boys. Today, he is not who he used to be. Today, commitment is a thing of the past. Because today he chooses himself over anyone else.

The fact that society puts so much emphasis on "taking care of ourselves" has perpetuated this idea that it is okay to let go of things that no longer "serve" you. I know for a fact that this is what he is doing. When did it become okay to neglect the feelings of others in order to "take care of yourself"? Why is it so easy to walk away from something you once thought the world of? How does someone just evolve into a different person and suddenly your spouse doesn't suit you anymore? Is this okay? Is there any actual real human connection in this world?

My soon to be ex husband has Asperger's Syndrome. My soon to be ex husband has an insatiable thirst for knowledge. Is it selfish of him to let me go because of these things? I firmly believe that it should be my decision as to whether or not I choose to live with who he is. The funny thing is that I also believe that he is struggling to believe who he is to the outside world because he has so much trouble exhibiting who he truly is on the inside. For the first time ever last night, he went into this state of trance and just spoke. My autistic husband couldn't even look at me due to the fact that outside stimulants made it hard for him to concentrate on what was going on inside of his head. The things he said were wonderful but at the same time I took note of the fact that he emphasized one concept in many ways. He would talk about taking things apart, unfolding them, finding the truth, revealing them, deciphering them, and analyzing them until the smallest of particles remained. To me, it is odd because instead of getting an idea across, it was like reading through a thesaurus with an idea thrown in here and there. It was a mouthful of words, a string of text without any real substance. Don't get me wrong there was substance but comparatively speaking . . . it wasn't that much when you consider the amount of rambling he did.

His thought process is broken down so much into the smallest of details that we begin to lose the big picture. However, to him it all makes sense. He doesn't need the picture to understand the idea behind it. But to us neurotypicals, the meaning is lost. The idea is broken. Because all we hear is alongparagraphwithoutpausesthatgoesonandonandonandonandonuntilwenolongerunderstandwhat. Is. Being. Said. And that is where the line of having a deep connection is lost.

He has a deep connection with himself. His stream of consciousness is one that is dying to be heard by others. Dying to be understood. We can all pretend that we understand. We can pretend that we connect with what he is saying, but the human brain is a vast network of ideas and thoughts and they do not stop. Even if you're sitting there and you think your brain is quiet, it's not because deep down inside you're still processing things such as breathing, mobility, and sensory processes. For him, these sensations sit closer to the surface of his brain. This hyper-awareness of himself trumps all ability to have an actual connection with another person.

But why? With this hyper-awareness, the little things that go completely unnoticed by most people are amplified to those on the spectrum. These small details such as flickering lights and slight touches become such a huge part of their thinking process that it inhibits them from really functioning on a daily basis. It makes sense to me now. When these extra stimuli are in their presence, that in a sense becomes the focus of their thinking but in a completely detrimental way. How do you fix this though? How can neurotypicals and aspies live together in peace?

It all clearly makes sense in my head. If I were to tell him how this would work, however, he would tell me not to change myself for him. This, however, is the beauty of a neurotypical/aspie relationship. To me, love is worth fighting for. I am a giver and I am compassionate. I am more compassionate towards him than I was just weeks ago. I believe in sacrificing certain things for your partner. He knows that relationships come with sacrifice but that you shouldn't sacrifice who you are. I would not be sacrificing myself for him. I am still me no matter what. We all need an element of structure in our lives. My life has been run by misery for too long and I need to change that. I am changing things about myself regardless of the outcome of my marriage. "The way I do things" is not who I am. I can do better. I've made it a point to try my hardest to stop and think about what he's saying and not take everything he says to heart. The question I ask myself is "Is this worth it?" The answer to that question is "yes". It's not because I married him and we should stay together. It's undoubtedly because he brings an element of curiosity to the table. It's never about taking things at face value.

I was my own worst enemy for the longest time. It was war between the mundane and the extraordinary with him and I. Whereas I was focused on the surface level, he was always the one working down in the dungeon. And because of his mental and emotional absence, I found ways to distract myself from the pain that it brought to me. In doing that, the only thing I got was an extreme feeling of abandonment. I felt abandoned because I couldn't pull my husband to the surface. He's not meant to sit at the surface and that is why we worked well together for so long. There was a harmonious balance. I took it upon myself to destroy that balance by taking on more than I could handle to show him that "hey, look I'm doing stuff and you're not. Come help me." As that continued, the resentment built upon itself tenfold. Eventually, my misery became my reality. I felt obligated to my "compassion", I was a slave to my compassion.

The issue isn't that I had too much compassion for others, it's that I had zero compassion for myself and for my husband. The two most important people in this marriage. I destroyed my marriage by trying to change my husband. He is the muscles, bones, blood, and brain of this marriage. I am the eyes, skin, and heart of it. While he would say, the heart simply pumps blood, I'd have to disagree. Not because I feel like the heart is an emotional organ that feels. Since he is the blood and I am the heart, we work together to keep this alive. He circulates throughout the body and I focus on supporting him. He, in turn, supports me by circulating blood to me so that I can help him continue on his path. Accepting roles keeps us alive. Accepting one another keeps us alive. However, there's nothing wrong with visiting the doctor when the heart doesn't pump blood like it should. In my case, taking on too much just to prove a point. Feeling obligated just to prove a point. I am responsible for my own happiness. I can choose how to live my life. I chose to live my life with him. He chose differently. We're both entitled to that choice. But I know better now. And I will live differently and never be the same as a result of this.

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