An Honest Look At A 53 Year Marriage

Marriage is very likely the greatest journey of our lives, and also probably the most challenging. You are committing to one person as a partner for life; together you will embark on a long term journey that will significantly impact your lives and also the lives of any children you have. You have to mold together two lives that are often very different in experience, habits, beliefs, and goals. It’s not surprising that half of all marriages do not work out.

Many years ago, I was 25, had been dating numerous women, and was in no hurry to get married.

And then I met Margie.

It was virtually love at first sight. Maybe it was her smile that lit up a room, or the twinkling eyes that seemed to accept everyone around her.

Margie had grown up on a farm in Mississippi, gotten her college degree, and gone to work in Mississippi town. That presented a bit of a problem for me, since my company was preparing to send me from Louisiana to Michigan on a six month research project. We would be totally separated.

So I told her - ten days after meeting her - that I loved her and wanted to marry her after my assignment in Michigan was finished. Absolutely not the way I had planned marriage. Amazingly, she said she also loved me and would marry me.

Two months later, I traveled back from Michigan to marry her in her hometown in Mississippi; we then returned to Michigan for 4 months. Afterwards we came back to Louisiana; our first son was born a year and a half later, followed by two more sons. Margie enjoyed being a stay at home mother. She was very involved in the boy’s schools, sports, and other activities. After the boys went to college, she returned to college to get a degree in psychology - not to work in that area but simply because she had a deep interest in psychology and helping others. Later in my career, my company promoted me to other jobs in Texas, back to Louisiana, to Michigan, to Texas, and finally to Michigan again. I retired after 40 years of a very successful and enjoyable career. We chose to stay in Midland, Michigan, because it was a wonderful small city with outstanding facilities and activities, many good friends, and our middle son Jeff and his family lived here.

Margie later developed serious health problems and passed away in 2013 after a lengthy, difficult illness. But we had 53 years of a wonderful marriage. We have three sons who have all been married now for over 20 years to the loves of their lives. All three have successful marriages, productive careers, and six children who are preparing for what lies ahead in their lives. One aspect I always admired about Margie was that she gave total acceptance to the women that our sons married and made it clear to each son that his wife was now the most important person in his life. She had a wonderful relationship with each daughter-in-law.

So how did we make this improbable “love at first sight” work out for more than half a decade of marital success? Here are some valuable lessons for those looking to embark on their own long term journey...

Debate, Discuss, and Sometimes - Compromise

I say sometimes compromise, because sometimes it has to be either one or the other but not something part way or in between. Then one idea wins, but the sponsor of the idea is not the winner. Both are winners because we debated and agreed on which approach was best. Some of those decisions meant a sacrifice on one of our parts.

Learn and Benefit from Each Other

After about a year in the marriage, I realized that Margie hated confrontation. So she would sometimes capitulate on an issue rather than deal with the confrontation. And that was painful for her. That also made her vulnerable to being manipulated unfairly by others. So I worked at teaching her that confrontation can sometimes be the necessary route toward coming up with the best resolution.

Likewise, Margie had an amazing ability to sense how people felt. We would come home from a social activity and Margie would say “the Smiths are very concerned about such and such.” I hadn’t picked up on that. But that ability can often diffuse a potential confrontation or provide an opportunity to sympathize and help someone deal with the problem. Margie taught me how to be much more sensitive to people. That was a valuable asset in my everyday relations, my marriage, and my job.

Never Hold A Grudge

Sometimes you or your spouse does something that is unfair and wrong. And it hurts. It happens in the best of relationships. Work it out together and then forgive and forget.

Create Memories

Do things together as a family and as a couple that will remain with you as memories to be relived and enjoyed throughout the years. The memories can be elaborate and expensive or simple things that became special. I would periodically take off a Friday afternoon, come home to pick up Margie, and we would go out to eat lunch together at the place of her choice and then do some shopping together or go for a long walk or see a movie. Simple things while the boys were at school. Sometimes her lunch choice was McDonalds for a cheeseburger and an ice cream cone. In her final years, her brain would sometimes become confused and she would panic. I found that taking her to McDonalds and buying her an ice cream cone would relax her. Somehow, it triggered that pleasant memory and she relished it. She couldn’t watch movies or even TV shows because her brain could not comprehend the storyline. I bought past years of the Mary Tyler Moore TV series (her favorite show) and she would sit and watch them, happy and relaxed. She couldn’t follow the storyline, but she knew the characters and she knew how much she had enjoyed that show. So create a lot of special memories of you and the ones you love.

Be Grateful For What You Have Together

Most of the time, our marriage had been everything we hoped it would be and more. Like all couples, we faced some challenging problems and decisions, but were able to resolve them. If I had my life to live over again, I would leave it exactly as it has turned out, rather than risk changing and not getting as good an outcome. It was very painful to have Margie’s health deteriorate. She had done everything right from a health and exercise standpoint to have a long productive life. But it wasn’t to be. Her last six years were very difficult for her and painful for me to see her struggles. But we were still together and we still could enjoy the journey that we had created for ourselves. The memories will always be there. I have a picture of Margie next to my computer that was taken when we celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary. It perfectly captures the smile and glistening eyes that I fell in love with on day one and still love.

Life can’t get any better than that.