An Open Diary
A Story of a Broken Heart Still Learning to Heal...
May 11, 2017 South Carolina
2:31 PM
It’s fine… You’re fine…
3:09 AM
Why. Why do you do this to me? Why did you even let me love in the first place? My mother left me, my father tries to make up for the lack of love in my life, but immediately leave me for his job. “Best friends” ultimately leave you and stab you when you been nothing but loyal. Kyle left. Johnathan. Lauren. Sierra. Justice. Now… you. I called it. And now I am kicking myself in the ass because I knew, and I never listen to my gut instincts. I keep hoping it’s one of those gut feeling that are completely wrong… I just need to stop caring. Stop loving. Stop being there for people, because all it ever gets you is left behind. There is no space in this world for kindness or compassion.
Business. Be successful. Be smart. That’s all everyone cares about. So for once, God, stop sending people my way. I got the message loud and clear. I am not good enough to love.
8:22 AM
I hate writing down my feelings. I feel like it has a purpose, except one day someone could expose the things I hide. I feel like I can’t breathe without wanting to cry. I have to take short little ones to make sure I don’t start another sob fest. He says he loves me... so why does he leave me so easily??? He says he cares... but why can’t he try? I tried to give him what he wanted last night. To let him love me one last time, but I couldn’t stop the crying, the panic. The sensation of losing someone like that is hard. I knew it had been coming, but I guess you can never prepare your heart for something like this. I didn’t think I’d cry that much. I didn’t think I’d physically hurt in that moment... I thought I was ready. I guess it just hurts more because I let down my walls. I let my guard down. I let him love me... that was my mistake. Even now I am struggling to process the fact that he “loves” me. I’m a forgettable human being, and I’ll just fade into a memory. I will be nothing more than that.
May 12, 2017 South Carolina
3:51 PM
Okay, so we've broken up. But I still love you and you still love me... it's not necessarily a mutual break up is it...? It's so difficult knowing that both of us still love one another. I don't want to do this and act like this doesn't matter. But I don't want to act like I'm your girlfriend either. So tell me. How do I react? Do I keep myself at a distance and just be grateful that you still want me in your life? Do I cut myself out and burn the bridge? You've made me the happiest girl in the span of our brief relationship. I have never been more happier and content with something so domestic and something that just seemed so natural... we have created unbelievable memories and I will cherish them forever...
9:50 PM
I'm still thinking of you. Especially the way your eyes look at me. The color. The way you smile during sex. The way you look at me in the morning. Sometimes you wake me up with kisses. And every night that we have spent together I wake up to kiss you. I miss your hands around my waist at night. Or how they feel on my skin. I miss how warm you are. I miss how seemingly perfect I fit against you. I miss your laughter. I think about how it feels to kiss your cheeks and your lips. I think about all the times you've been there for my nightmares. I think about how happy I feel just to come to bed with you. I think about the one time we talked about the stars. The one time we stayed up till 4 AM talking, not even realizing the time. I loved the way you said I love you and when you would call me beautiful, baby girl, or even baby on very few occasions. Even though I hated it when you stared at my body, I secretly loved the fact that you loved me that way. I loved the fact that you handle my eccentric tendencies. And even though it got tedious to try to hide my feelings from you when I got sad, it was always comforting to know you could read me in a weird way. When you cried that day, I realized you weren't ready to leave me... and I'm still not ready to let you go. I'm afraid to lose that in all honesty. I'm afraid that I will become just a girl. Just a friend. I have never felt more loved in a short period than I have now and have made beyond amazing memories with you. I don't get shown the love you have given me and I'm grateful to have had the chance to experience it. Maybe that is why I feel stronger than you, but nonetheless, I hope that maybe one day I get that chance again...
About the Creator
Armyah J.H Diaz
Just someone trying to be heard
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"Directing Light: The Effect of a Sort Stranger"
In the clamoring city of New York, where the roads murmur with the mood of life and the high rises go after the sky, I had the joy of experiencing a genuinely striking individual — an unrecognized yet truly great individual whose benevolence and liberality made a permanent imprint on my heart. It was a boiling summer day, and I ended up lost in the twisted labyrinth of tram burrows, my mind whirling with disarray and disappointment. As I remained on the stage, gripping my guide and attempting to get a handle on the tangled trap of train lines, a voice got through the turmoil. "Is it safe to say that you are lost, old buddy?" I went to see a man remaining close to me, his face endured with age yet his eyes sparkling with warmth and empathy. He presented himself as Sam, and at that time, I realize that I had experienced somebody extraordinary. With a delicate grin, Sam proposed to assist me with exploring the tram framework, directing me through the labyrinth of passages and stages easily. He shared accounts of his own undertakings in the city, offering useful tidbits and support en route. However, it wasn't simply Sam's information on the tram framework that intrigued me — it was his steadfast consideration and liberality of soul. In spite of the intense intensity and the hurrying around of the city, he got some margin to help an outsider out of luck, without anticipating anything consequently. As we rose up out of the tram burrows and ventured out into the brilliant daylight, I couldn't resist the opportunity to feel a feeling of appreciation wash over me. Sam had not just assisted me with tracking down my direction through the city — he had reestablished my confidence in humankind, helping me to remember the force of sympathy and the significance of loaning some assistance to those out of luck. In the long stretches of time that understood, I frequently ended up considering Sam and the effect he had made on my life. His straightforward thoughtful gesture had propelled me to show preemptive kindness, to search for chances to help other people in my own local area, and to move toward every day with an open heart and a readiness to have an effect. Also, however I might in all likelihood at no point ever see Sam in the future, his soul lives on in the recollections we shared and the examples he educated me. He was something beyond a supportive individual I met in passing — he was a brilliant illustration of the decency that exists on the planet, and an update that even amidst bedlam and vulnerability, graciousness has the ability to illuminate the most obscure of days. Soon after our experience, I made it a highlight copy Sam's consideration in my own life. I chipped in at neighborhood covers, offering dinners and friendship to those out of luck. I assisted older neighbors with their food and paid attention to their accounts with authentic premium and sympathy. What's more, each time I assisted somebody out of luck, I considered Sam and the effect he had made on my life. However, it wasn't simply my activities that changed — it was my point of view too. I started to see the world through Sam's eyes, perceiving the magnificence and humankind in each individual I experienced. I got some margin to grin at outsiders in the city, to offer uplifting statements to the people who required them, and to move toward every communication with an open heart and a readiness to interface. Also, as I kept on exploring the clamoring roads of New York City, I conveyed Sam's soul with me any place I went. His consideration had contacted my life in manners I would never have envisioned, and I realize that I would perpetually be appreciative for the brief yet significant experience we had shared. Eventually, Sam was something other than a supportive individual I had met — he was a directing light in a world that occasionally felt dull and questionable. He showed me that even amidst mayhem and disarray, there is dependably space for consideration, empathy, and liberality of soul. Also, for that, I will constantly be appreciative.
By Nameless writer3 days ago in Humans
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