An Open-Ended Letter to the Girl Who Broke My Heart

From the first moment we met, I knew there was something different about you. We were both so young. Maybe you were the first person to treat me kindly. But, no. It was more than that. There was an aura about you that I could never quite get around. A wave of self sufficiency, a wall of independence that no one would ever break down. It haunts me to this day. I could never compete with that, I'm a big enough person to admit it. I require a certain amount of dependence on people, I always have. Maybe that's one reason, of all the many I'd been collecting in my head, the reasons why our relationship could never play out for a lifetime.

The Beginning

I couldn't have been happier with you. Our bond with each other was special. I knew I could never find anywhere else, it was one of a kind. We found a way to connect to things I never imagined. You loved all my favorite cheesy songs from the 90s. It was enough to hold onto to as collateral. You could never leave me because we both had a strange love for Michelle Branch and Tal Bachman.

In the beginning, I barely knew losing you was even a possibility. My head was in the clouds, in dreamland with you. It was naive, I didn't have my guard up. Love is a battlefield and I forgot to wear my armor. It's a mistake many make. I learned fairly quickly how I'd need to be prepared, how you would be fighting the battle. It was too late for me though. I was already invested in the complexities. At some point, I knew there was no point to rage. You were running it and I would just have to let you, despite how much I needed that control.

The Lying

Quite early on, I recognized you for what you were: a liar. Once I'd caught you in one lie, they seemed to stack up on each other. Each one more deadly than the last. I couldn't trust you. It was strange. I sensed dishonesty. I nailed you for it. And then, again and again, I would accept it. Forgive and forget. I loved you. You knew it. Whether or not you returned the feeling, you began using that against me.

The Breakup - Part 1

We cut ties. You had a thing for someone else, someone better than I. See, you had me believing I was too much for you. Too emotional. Too fat. Too messed up.

This new girl seemed to be enough to fit your bill. Only one problem with her. She wasn't me. This girl wasn't completely obsessed with you the way I was. She could never be capable of loving you the way I did.

We would always be friends though. You'd always be there for me, you promised.

I was devastated of course. Furious with you for leaving. I loved you. We were supposed to be together until the end of time. This sudden departure of our relationship left me angry at the whole world. Nothing was the same without you. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Without you, I was nothing.

The breakup didn't last for long. It didn't work out for you with the other girl. I was at your beck and call. We were meant to be. Two screwed up people who deserved each other. Within a few weeks, we were back and better than ever.

The Confusion

Once we were back together, it didn't take too much time for me to begin feeling very frustrated with things. I couldn't help but wonder where I stood with you; this happened day to day. I practically begged for an explanation. You would remain distant and uncaring but when I asked, you'd say, "Everything is fine." It was clearly not fine. We barely spoke some days.

I realized eventually that out situation may be a waste of time. You weren't contributing to the relationship. It seemed like you didn't even want to be with me. But you wouldn't break up with me either. It was like, you wanted someone else but you weren't about to be single while you looked. I was a fall back plan and nothing more. I knew it then but stupidly, I kept trying to be good enough, losing you again wasn't an option. Until, once again, it was.

The Breakup - Part 2

Up until this point, Valentine's Day is not a big deal to me. I don't expect much. Maybe an "I love you," and a heartfelt speech about how much I mean to you. I was never materialistic. The only thing I wanted was your affection. You changed the meaning of Valentine's Day for me that year forever.

I'd made an offhand remark about the girls on Facebook who got beautiful flowers from their partners. I was feeling bummed because we were long distance and I didn't get to actually see you for Valentine's Day, yet there were all these girls flaunting their happiness in front of me. "I hope I get a bouquet of flowers for Valentine's Day at least once in my life," I said. Your reply really got me. "I'm sure you will." Not, "I'm sorry I didn't get you flowers, but there's always next year." Not, "I'm sorry I didn't do anything at all to acknowledge that it's Valentine's Day and that I love you. I'm sorry you're sad." That moment was a red alert and I was aware. It prepared me for what you said next.

"I don't love you anymore. I think we should break up." All I got for Valentine's Day was dumped.

I stopped chasing you for a while. If you didn't love me, then you didn't love me. That was that, wasn't it? I may have been naive but stupid I was not.

You were after that girl again. The one who was better than me, the one who didn't want anything to do with you. It was her you wanted. Deep down, I always knew that.

The Final Act

You came back around, you said you missed me, and that you loved me. You were so sorry. I forgave you. I needed you. Whether you loved me or not. That's why I looked past everything else. I loved you so much and nothing could've stopped me from taking you back. I'd do it a million times.

You began being very secretive. I didn't know what to think. Were you cheating on me with her? Or someone new? Maybe I was overreacting. You said I was.

There wasn't much I could do. I'd totally lost control. Our relationship had become you yanking me around, playing with my emotions. It wasn't up to me. It was all about you.

This time when you left, I knew it was for good. I could sense the vibe of finality. You were gone. Well, good riddance, I had thought. I hope she makes you very happy. Spoiler alert: She didn't. She loved her boyfriend, not you.

The Aftermath

Although you'd been removed from my life as my girlfriend, you lingered in the background, still wanting to take control. You'd use me and then toss me away; I didn't deserve much better. It was you so I was quick to go along with it. I'll admit, your attention was like a drug to me. I lived off it for a long time. If I couldn't have you as my girlfriend, at least I could have you around still. I took what I could get.

Our arrangement only had one unspoken rule: you were in charge. Like always. Of course, me being who I am, I pushed my boundaries. I'd try to start something and you hated that. It had to on your terms. You would shoot me down so hard I'd hide in my bed feeling ashamed of myself for a week. And then, just when I thought I'd never hear from you again, you'd come back around. You needed me and I was always there for you.

This lasted for at least a year and a half. You weren't my girlfriend but I thought by now we were friends.

The End

You moved on. It sucked but I tried to be happy for you. I genuinely wanted you to be happy.

We didn't get to be friends. Your girlfriend caught wind of who I was and asked me to stop talking to you. It was as heartbreaking as everything you left me.

I knew logically we couldn't be close friends. But you didn't even bother to trying to keep your promise. We wouldn't be any kind of friends.

It's been almost five years, and I doubt we'll ever speak again.

I've come to terms with it. Nothing lasts. We obviously were never meant to be. I get that. It's the way you abandoned ship so many times just to come back. I thought that meant something. I thought you'd meant it when you said you'd always be around for me.

Girl, you broke my heart.