An Open Letter of Apology

Where to start, you changed me for the better and for the worst. The first thing I want to do is apologise, I'm sorry I wasn't enough and I'm sorry I wasn't ready, I was so scared of loving you that I made you hate me. I wish I could have been stronger. I always admired you for being unapologetically yourself and I hope you are still like that, that is the first of many things that made me love you. You were my best friend. The only person to understand me, to truly understand me. I thought you always would, I hoped you always would.

If I had allowed myself to love you, if I had been kinder, it could've been different. You taught me that everything isn't always black and white. You let me open my heart to you and accepted when I couldn't. I wish I could have did the same for you, I wish I could've gave you the security you gave me. You were the first person I trusted, the first person to make me feel safe and I pushed it away. I pushed it all away and I ruined it. You weren't the first good thing I messed up and you weren't the last.

I don't know why after all this time It still hurts, maybe because I didn't give you the love you deserved. But you are happy now, I get It. You have the person of your dreams and that is truly what you deserve and I always wanted you to be happy. I hate myself for not being that person to make you feel like that though, I hate that it is not me and that someone else is doing the one thing I could never do. I should have kissed you that night, maybe you will know the night I am talking about or maybe your head has been filled with new, better memories and that's okay. I should have made the first move and I shouldn't have let the fear control me. I should have kissed you every time you made my heart flutter or every time you made me feel safe, wanted, loved—but I didn't. Each time I looked at you I felt doomed by a love I feared so much.

He kisses you every time you make his heart flutter and every time you make him feel safe, wanted, loved. He ignores the overwhelming feeling of doom when he looks at you. I am happy for you but please understand that I lost the one person who i thought would always be there no matter what. I lost the thing that made me feel alive, I lost the intense feeling of safety and fear all at the same time. I hate my life without you. Even as a friend. I miss everything. The laughs, the tears, even the pointless arguments. I miss not needing an excuse to talk to you. I miss us. I miss the person you made me. I miss what could have been friends or more. I want that one person back in my life that I can rely on, that I can phone at all hours crying with no questions asked. I want my best friend back. You deserve all the love and happiness in the world and I am sorry I couldn't give it to you and although it makes me ache all over I am so thankful that someone can give you it, even if it isn't me.