An Open Letter to Him

To You,

I remember our first time hanging out, without our usual group of friends. It was a tailgate for my university. I remember the group going to the local brewery where one of your friends made the insinuation that we were more than just friends. I remember how mad I was because you were my ex’s best friend, but I was wrong, our relationship was just starting.

I remember the weekend you came down with our mutual best friend for Halloween. That Friday night we wound up falling asleep on my couch, wrapped up in each other’s arms. The same thing happened that Saturday night and I began to wonder if your friend from the tailgate was right, was there more there than just friendship.

The trip to Charlotte came, and our group of misfits piled up in your Jeep for the long trip. Going into the weekend I had the hope of the “what if” echoing in the back of my mind. That “what if” that I had so badly longed for finally happened. It plays so clearly in my mind. We were driving back from dropping our friends off at their hotel, and you told me to pull over. I climbed into the passenger seat with you and let you hold me. You muttered my name and before I knew it your lips were on mine. The taste of whiskey melted onto my taste buds, and the smell of your cigarettes from hours ago filled my nose. It was an intoxicating mixture. That night was just the beginning of many more to come, and a long confusing road.

Many nights like the one in Charlotte followed, but they were kept in secret. Only a handful of people knew the truth. But our secret rendezvous quickly came to an end when I started having feelings towards someone else. You, of course, did not like this. But as memory serves, you were the one who pushed us together. You told me I would be better off with him than with you because you weren’t good enough for me. You were right.

Our relationship, friendship, ended seemingly overnight. I was too scared to lose you, so I made the mistake of telling you I chose you, which was false. The next day I spent hiding out with him, trying to avoid the chaos I was about to cause. But chaos had its own way of sneaking in that night. We tried to talk through everything but wound up hurting each other. And then the next day, we never spoke again.

I’ve replayed the last five months in my head repeatedly, trying to figure our what exactly happened between us. I finally came up with an answer, we settled for each other, just like we said we wouldn’t. The problem with settling is that eventually someone else moves on to something better, that’s what I did. I took your advice, I went for the person who I knew I’d be happier with. And yes, me telling you I chose you and then changing my mind overnight was a terrible thing to do, but what you did was worse.

You lied. To me, to your friends, to yourself. You told everyone that you didn’t have feelings for me, but you did. You made this impossible situation in your head where we couldn’t work, and then got mad when we didn’t. I still cant wrap my head around that. But that is not the point of this.

Here’s the point:

I will never be able to erase those memories shared between us, and quite frankly I don’t want to. You were put in my life for a reason, a reason that I am still trying to figure out. But I know one thing for sure, there are two versions of me. The me before you, the scared, shy, lacking in confidence girl. Then there is the me after you. The one that I’m learning to love, the one where I’m this confident, strong, sassy woman. The one where I’m not afraid to speak my mind, or what people will think when I do. So I guess this is a thank you. Thank you for putting me through hell, thank you for showing me that I do indeed deserve better, I have better, and better is amazing. I hope that one day you’ll find better for yourself, that you’ll fall in love with someone who is absolutely amazing and won’t mess up the way we did.

Goodbye,

From a failed love.