An Open Letter to My Ex-Husband

When it comes to relationships, we stay with people for all kinds of reasons. Those with children say “stay together for the kids.” Some people stay together because they believe if they separate or divorce, their God will frown upon them. Some people stay out of fear, of their life, of other’s perception, of what could happen to them if they’re on their own. People stay and go for all kinds of reasons, but the reasons are usually so they can find a happier, better life.

When we got together, everything was perfect. You were my oasis in the desert, the safety in the storm. I was living a nightmare and you were my knight in shining armor come to save the day. We graduated, went to college, and tragedy struck and you were still there. You made sure I kept breathing, that I was still alive. I can never thank you enough for that. If it weren’t for you, I have no doubt I wouldn’t be where I am now. You’ve picked me up more times than I can count, you were my support and my best friend when I thought I had no one, you were everything I needed until you weren’t.

See, over time, you stopped being there for me. I always found another friend to be my emotional support, to tell everything to when I was in a dark place. You had to take care of yourself, and mentally, I had gone away, so you decided to leave too.

It didn’t happen all at once, gradually over time we lost each other. We stopped talking and merely shared a bed. We pretended things were fine, that nothing was wrong when there was a hole, something missing in our relationship. Honestly, I believed that hole was supposed to be there. I believed that there was no way to make it go away. I convinced myself that it was fate, that because of all of the things we had been through together that we were supposed to be together. If we were supposed to be together, things would get better in time, I just had to wait it out. So, I came to you, told you what was wrong, told you things were falling apart. I cried and you said you would fix it.

You didn’t.

We struggled for a long time. Unable to make ends meet, asking friends and family for money, taking out loans we couldn’t pay back. You didn’t keep a job, and I had trouble working too, but I worked and did everything in my power to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. I would be tired and you would be my comfort, calm me down when the numbers wouldn’t add up. I told you I couldn’t do it all on my own. You said you would help.

You didn’t.

Sometimes you would be cruel too. Say things that I hoped you didn’t mean but felt to be all too true. You would amplify my insecurities and say words that my mind translated to words of hate that I shouldn’t be alive. I believed you didn’t deserve someone like me. You said no one else could handle me and I believed you. Believed I would be alone with no support if you were gone. No one would love me. So, I told you I was hurting and the reasons why. I told you the words you’d say that broke my heart and didn’t feel right. You said you would stop, you would get better, you’d do more.

You didn’t.

Please don’t get me wrong, this isn’t all your fault. I’ve made mistakes that were just as big and helped tear us apart. I stopped talking and turned to others and didn’t tell you as much as I should. I lied about things in fear of your reaction and you didn’t deserve that. I let my mind control what I saw. I let my fears change our relationship. But it takes two to tear something apart just as it takes two to build something wonderful.

I’ve realized now that the toxicity towards each other is not intended, that we are just not right for each other. We wanted to be but all we really were, was what we needed at the time. To keep going, to believe in something, to move forward. I will always be grateful for the time we spent together and all you have given me, but I don’t owe you the rest of my life if it is going to make me miserable.

I don’t want to say hurtful things, but being without you makes me happy. Not talking to you, not worrying about you. It’s not the relationship aspect, honestly, it’s just you. The two of us together have created such a toxic mess that now it seems is only appropriate to clean up and move on.

I hope you find happiness. I admit I may be jealous one day when you marry your new wife. Or maybe I'll have a new husband and I'll just be beaming with joy. I know you may not believe you’ll find love again, but I do. We can be happy it just doesn’t have to be together. I know you’re hurting right now and you’re mad. You think I don't care about you, that the last 6 years don't mean anything to me. They have, they've made me the person I am today. I wouldn't be here without you. Know that I do wish you the best, but my heart is my own now and I’m ready to move on. You will be your best, and being without me might even make you better.

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons and no matter which side you’re on it hurts and it sucks but know that the purest happiness is found when we’re not looking, usually after the storm.