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My Beloved Squad,
Over the summer, I couldn’t wait to move to University. It was an entire new chapter of my life where I could meet new people and explore a new city, while partying hard as a Fresher. All I could think about was all the fun I’d be having, but nobody told me about the depression I would feel.
I had this idea in my head that you would all be coming home every other week and that I’d see you all the time, or that you would come and visit me in my new home, but I was wrong. After a week of living in York, I had a job, made new friends, started my course and all I could think about was how you were all doing. Whether you were having as much fun as I was. So I invited you to come and see me. Most of you still hadn’t moved to your universities, as my Freshers week started a lot earlier than yours, so there was nothing else you could be doing, but packing and organising took up so much of your time that you could’t come. A few others did come and see me in that first week, and the second, but you (my best friend) still hadn’t. I talked to you every week on the phone and received the odd Snapchat here and there, but I genuinely thought that it would be like it was when we were all still living near our quaint little village.
I organised some time off work and decided to go and see you in your new home and couldn’t contain my excitement. I booked trains, saved up, and set off to see you. I got there and we had cocktails in your Student Union’s pub ‘The Swan’ and I realised just how much I had missed you, all the inside jokes and gossip we had to catch up on. Then we got ready to go out and some of our friends from home joined us, and that's when the dynamic changed. It was no longer me and you, it was them and me. I was an outsider, the one that didn’t want to party THAT hard. I spent most of that night crying in The Engine Shed’s toilets about the fact that I had come to see you, only to have that time taken away from me. I know it sounds selfish, but I had missed you more than words could say and now it was different.
I came home upset and slightly lost, I couldn’t figure out where our unfathomably bubbly relationship had gone, replaced by one where we would sit for two hours in a McDonald’s staring at our phones instead of having a laugh and a joke like we used to.
After that I started on a very dark downward spiral. Thoughts about being abandoned by you all and forgotten about consumed me. I love too hard. I give so much of myself to maintaining relationships that you are just not interested in keeping and I hate myself for it. I am the most loyal person I know, I am fiercely protective and would die for you all, and I can honestly say that that is my best quality. But everyone that I loved and cared for didn’t seem to find that important. That I had invested so much of my time and love into you and you couldn’t muster up the money to come and see me, or you had to babysit, or you couldn’t get a lift to the train station. These dark thoughts of abandonment left me drinking heavily and not in the fun Freshers way, but in the drowning your sorrows way, leaving me crying myself to sleep most nights.
I came home one weekend and cried to my Mum and Dad, telling them that I felt depressed and that I couldn’t seem to get myself out of this sadness I was feeling. They told me I was spreading myself too thin, that working 30 hours as a Barista, 10 hours in Uni, trying to maintain a social life and setting up a society was all too much for someone who is known to get over-exhausted and stressed at the smallest things. But none of you noticed and that started my recovery, I decided that if you didn’t care, then why should I?
So now, although my expectations are lowered considerably, I still love you all immeasurably and would do anything for you, but I’ve learnt that my time and effort are worth so much more to those who actually care about me, and so therefore I’ve decided that this open letter to you all may one day reach you and you’ll understand just how hard it was for me to go to Uni and survive here feeling so unbelievably alone.
Lots of love always,
The Blonde One, Fairy SquadMother, Free Bar Pussy, Moll.