Anecdotes and Antidotes

The definition of Repose means "a state of rest, sleep, and tranquility." These are words that I am longing to feel consistently. I am a fighter without a doubt, whether it comes to fighting my own spirit that wants to hide from my health problems, inner struggles to stay quiet and inside, or just to walk outside and catch the sun to deal with my social anxiety. Social anxiety sufferers can empathize with me. Daily tasks take so much energy for us empaths and introverts. We seem to give away so much of our energy and others do not receive us and remain comfortably absent from our lives. Being a giver is isolating.

I remember performing random acts of kindness all of the time to my friends and supposedly lover. The thing is that people never reveal their true intentions until it serves them best. I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own experiences the hard truth that lies in the fight for authentic relationships. I would give candy and cards, money, sweet notes, encouragement, my time, my energy, personal anecdotes, and the truth. And this is not easy. It does not come naturally to let loose as some extroverts do. And although the one thing that I crave is a romantic relationship, I am not able to attract for this reason in my life. I guess what I need is to be more cautious so that I don't get hurt. But living a cautious life leads to solitude which is the same as living a risky life for me.

It seems that the more that I give, the more silence I receive. And it all has to do with willingness, priorities, and trust. Relationships seem simple, but they do involve both partners matching energy to work. And many may say that I overanalyze relationships due to my INFJ nature. I will tell a few personal anecdotes, maybe to help another girl like me. Although, I have been liked for my academic talents in history or writing, for instance. I remember back in the seventh grade I was taking a History course and I memorized almost all of the answers to a quiz that a boy needed the answers to. I gave them to him in a moment of kindness. I was sitting alone once at the lunch table, and I was surprised and a little eager when another girl that went to my other class came to sit across from me momentarily. She said that I looked like someone, of course, that I did not know in pop culture. When I look confused she laughed over with her friends at another table, and then she walked away. I may seem aloof, lethargic, or not as socially comfortable in person but my mind is firing constantly, and although my body fights physical touch that does not mean that I don't crave it.

I tend to watch a lot of educational videos: Ted Talks and Symposiums. I enjoy quiet time reading and watching documentaries. Pushing the boundaries is extremely tough and sometimes in social conversations, I can manage a laugh or a witty comment, but I do suffer from stuttering. It often seems that my body resists physical touch and either gets paralyzed, shakes, or my mouth dries up. Depression is also a kicker due to the confusion that comes from absent friends, not being able to maintain relationships, or not being people oriented. It makes people uncomfortable to be around a mumbling, shy girl. And it makes me even more uncomfortable to make them uncomfortable because I am a people pleaser. This juggling between relaxing and giving energy into relationships leaves me perplexed.

I wonder if people can relate to my problems. I am 21-years-old and I am battling keeping friendships and relationships this very second. And I have so many goals: learn how to play an instrument, join another sports team, get my college degree, a full time job, move into a new place, become physically fit, become an author, become a business owner, have an relationship and family, become an egg donor, have a fulfilling career, travel the world, and have a huge support system of friends and family with genuine connections that know the real me. But, the real me has such a hard time coming out into the real world. Writing through my mind is currently the only place where my full self-comes out not effortlessly but in a fashion that is truly me.

But I have tried and fell short in romance and in friendships so far and it makes me want to quit. But the fear of any other alternative realm wants me to continue and try more here. Living this way is exhausting and I feel that my giving ways are catching up to me. I have serious anxiety, OCD, rumination, anger, bouts of sadness, fatigue, mental fogginess, speech difficulties, social anxiety, and also the inability to completely relax. There are so many times in the middle of the night that I jump out of my sleep to check my breath, or that I have to do constant checks on certain people or on myself. Living this way is not healthy and coping temporarily helps but will this be the entirety of my future?

I believe in the goodness of world and if that is true then we will all be at peace in due time. I have discovered that I have an anxious attachment that I am healing, so there is light in understanding!

Much Love to All of My Readers <3

Sanfoka