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"Apparently You're Not Parents"

Family 101

An instinctual bond that must thrive through actions of obligation, love and respect.

This was a comment I responded to years ago and just found it:

"Why do parents feel like their children owe them some kind of bearings? As parents it's your responsibility to take care of your children, the children owe you nothing but appreciation, not their whole beings. Comments are welcome."

***Ironically, I had been writing a piece on family and community when I read this. I put it all together.***

I am not saying this to agree nor disagree with anyone's opinion, but just to state mine. I respect you all and understand your views about what is felt to be the job of the parent. Realize there is obligation for those that accept what is needed to survive or otherwise from those that supply. A contract, if you will. When one becomes of age and conscious enough to disapprove, then parting ways is a practical solution.

As creatures that are born from parents and then, ideally, raised by them, much is owed. To me, this is without a doubt. Whether or not one feels, I, myself abides by this, is not relevant. Just know that I know this to be true.

1. I am grateful for the conception that took place to form me because of the union between my mother and father.

2. I am thankful for the protection, nourishment and energy my mother supplied me during my nine months in her womb.

3. I am indebted for the genetic combinations put together from my mother and father that allow me to do enjoyable and significant things (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually).

4. I am appreciative of whatever positivity my father was doing at the time of my gestation.

5. I value all of the properly spent time and energy invested in me during my upbringing to improve my being.

6. I am also thrilled about the loved ones they introduced me to (family and otherwise) and any positive and productive opportunities they left and/or offered me.

Although, there may be many qualms one could have with parents, or anyone else… I say, what is done is done. What one does “bad” does not make what one has done “good” bad. It would be inappropriate and besides the point to discuss that which I have against my own parents, if anything at all. My position is, one cannot reverse nor deny the past actions that caused ones being. I have the OVERSTANDING that the “good”, the “bad” and everything else in between will not change the FACTS, which are; had it not been for the events and energies my parents (and for many, it is more than just their biological parents they must accredit), I would not be the MAN that you see here today, nor would I even BE any other man anywhere else on any other day, for that matter.

At the same time, though many recognize credit is due, to various others, the question is not “if?” but rather “how much?” and “for how long?” There lies the problem with the thinking of these “Western” and “Westernized” societies. Contrary to what I see primarily practiced and exalted in far too many settings, “family”, is a life-long communal evolutionary process that encompasses mutually beneficial and ever expanding groups of people.

Yes… I say family is something we do. It is more than a simple title, or blood relation. The parents, as well as the children, in this thought-to-be self-serving, but actually counterproductive mindset, have this unsustainable, and in my opinion, with all due respect, dishonorable thought process. One that lends to the notion that they should not or simply do not wish to continue assisting these individuals that they have birthed and or have birthed them, has forgotten that love is about more than what one can do for you or even what you can do for others. It is inspiring and empowering thoughts, feelings and actions that set forth productive patterns that reflect that of the particular collective. Therefore, it is seldom the case where one’s disposition against one’s own family does not reflect one’s personal dysfunction. One feeds and perpetuates the other, or they part.

What happens then, is a paradigm. Pay attention to the way things are around you and you will easily notice this to be blatantly evident. These parents cannot wait to get the children out of the house. Often times, this mentality/action leads to long term struggling and hardships for the new adult, brought about by being improperly raised and supported. In turn, because of how one views the other as burdensome, the children then allow and often prefer the parents go to some kind of nursing home, or to die alone. Adding insult to injury, all will then gather to “mourn” and say how they “miss” mother yet did little to nothing to keep her alive or make things more pleasant. To make matters worse, if this same parent were to have wealth and a will, how many would resist showing their shameless faces to get a piece of what is “OWED”. Such is the fate of our parents, as we condemn them to this… so shall it be for us… unless, of course, this viscous cycle is broken.

Over-compensating from guilt or to make up for perceived parental shortcomings is also detrimental and only serves as a temporary relief for the parent and possibly the child. This often lends to desensitizing the child which more often than not leads to angered displays of ungratefulness. Ignoring reality, blinding the child with food, places, toys and electronics will always come back to haunt you. Issues must be dealt with and balance should be restored to create more ideal relationships. In other words... apparently, we must BE parents.

In conclusion, I say much is owed as much is given.Conversely, if little is given… so shall it be expected. This goes to both sides.

“Bad” children usually have/ had “bad” parents and will likely become the same. Do not confuse a “good” person with being a good parent, or an unassuming one with being the opposite. As the child should not assume the parent is “wrong” or “bad” because one disagrees or even dislikes the parent. Check yourself and see where you may be going wrong (as parents AND children).

Growth & Comprehension,

Razi’El

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