Are You Abusing Him?

Alright, ladies, it’s time to be perfectly honest…. We aren’t exactly perceived the same way as our male s/o’s in relationships and we know that. After all, we tend to be able to get away with a heck of a lot more than them in some instances. And sometimes those things we can get away with is a lot worse than you think. If you read the title of my article, which you must have if you clicked on it, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Society doesn’t typically view women as being abusers, and it seems more jarring to hear that it was the girlfriend or wife being abusive, instead of the other way around. Thankfully we are beginning to shatter that perception, but it is still ingrained in many of us that only men can be abusive and only women can be victims, but that is 100% false. And it’s awful to think that that belief still lingers.

It doesn’t help that men already have an image to uphold as being strong and stoic, instead of feminine, weak, and fragile, as if having emotions and being hurt was such a horrible disease. For years and years it has been an source for ridicule for men to express emotions that weren’t aggression and anger, because that isn’t “manly.” So, it’s not hard to see why it would be so hard for a man to come out and say that he has been a victim of abuse from his girlfriend, for fear of it being taken as a joke. But it isn’t a joke. It’s a valid thing that does happen in our society.

Now, ladies, it’s time to callus out on our own b/s, and as a member of the female population, I’m here to help in doing that. Now this will take to big extremes (such as hitting and non-con) but also look at some of the things people may not recognize as abusive or people joke about it as being “whipped.”

1.) Constantly Accusing Him of Cheating

OMG! Karen! He hasn’t texted me in over three minutes and forty seven seconds now! He’s gotta be with that new female co-worker of his, Tiffany!

Oh.

Um. Actually. I think your boyfriend is currently subscribed to a little thing called life and might be busy. Who could have guessed?

Look, you’re as guilty of it as he is and you’re both life-time members of the subscription of life. And also, if you are constantly worried that your boyfriend is cheating on you every hour you two aren’t together, and he isn’t texting you, why are you doing with him to begin with? If he is that untrustworthy, you need to dump him. Plain and simple. But it’s really gotta suck to constantly be accused of cheating when you’re really playing Maplestory and just killed your 20th Slime in a row for this dumb event quest so you can get a particular item and move on.

Seriously, I have such strong faith and trust in my boyfriend, I would 100% more likely believe that he is trying to get to level 120 as a Phantom in Maplestory than the idea of him cheating on me. Call me naïve, but I actually trust him and don’t need constant texting as a reassurance of his love to me.

After all, do you also know how much it sucks to have to constantly prove to someone you love them? If we, as women, can take a stand and say we don’t have to prove anything to anyone, because we are strong and powerful! – why do men have to always prove they love us? That isn’t fair. That’s a really crappy game of “No I Love You More!” except we never have to say “No, I love YOU more!” because we’re women and we have nothing to prove, while men have to keep saying it to prove it to us.

Let’s just picture this for a second too: You and Jack are in a happy committed relationship, but suddenly Jack hasn’t snapchatted you in two minutes and thirty four seconds and that isn’t normal. So you text him. And text him again. But he isn’t responding! So, you go on and accuse him of cheating with that best friend of his Rebecca, or with that cute café girl, Miranda, that is always giving him “the eyes” when you go get coffee together, and you’re both clearly holding hands in front of her. He finally gets back with you, you guys fight on the phone, then in person, he proves he wasn’t with another girl, not even talking to another girl besides his mother and little sister, and you feel bad. You feel bad, ashamed, and guilty, kiss him, and you promise not to overreact.

But then next week, he doesn’t answer you for three hours, and you accuse him of cheating again, blowing up his phone while you do. Except he was working an extra shift that he already told you about last week and you forgot about it, and he’s currently on his lunch break wondering where you are. You fight, you make up, and the cycle continues.

Sounds like another cycle doesn’t it? Like that vicious cycle all abusive relationships tend to make. Yikes.

Now, can we please stop normalizing and joking about calling our s/o a cheater and grow up a little?

2.) He's Never Allowed To See His Friends

And yes, I do mean his best friends who also happen to be female. Hello, he’s obviously been friends with other females before you. He has had some kind of communication and connection with females. We’re kind of everywhere. But seriously, in his life, you are not going to be the absolutely most important person in his life every moment of every day. He does have other friends, family and such.

Now let me say too: You are a Princess/Queen. But you best NEVER forget he is a Prince/King and he is just as deserving to be treated as such. You are equals in this relationship. And sometimes you need some time to take a break from each other because you don’t want to get tired of or sick of the other person.

Heck, I know I’m tired of being with myself all day! Being with me 24/7 is exhausting! I can only imagine what it’s like for my boyfriend to have to be with me so much!

Honestly though, if you know for a fact you wouldn’t tolerate your man telling you you can’t hang out with your girlfriends, you don’t get to tell him he can’t hang out with his friends. He deserves that right just as much as you do. And it’s good for both of you to have friendships outside of just each other!

And no one said you couldn’t also go with him sometimes. Don’t go all the time, cause seriously, a guy needs his own time to be… well, a guy. You know, the guy you don’t typically see because he reserves it just for his other guy friends. Everyone knows (especially the guys) which side I’m talking about. Don’t act like you don’t.

3.) You Demand Access To His Phone/Laptop/Etc.

Okay, seriously? Seriously? Do I really need to explain this one? Apparently, I do.

Remember this thing we have called the right to privacy (okay, besides the FBI watching us on our phones)? He has a right to that. He is 100 percent allowed to tell you ‘NO!’ Why? Because that’s his dang choice! Just like you get a choice!

And if you figure out his password to snoop, don’t get mad when he changes it! Nah, uh! You are the one who broke into his phone, which is an invasion of his privacy. You don’t get to Hollywood your way outta that one. That is wrong, wrong, wrong. And you know it, so don’t even pretend.

As soon as you lose all sense of privacy (in the wrong way), then you lose all level of trust. Without trust, how can you truly love?

As a note, yes, some couples are 100 percent okay with giving each other their passwords and access to private phones and laptops. That’s wonderful! I am in that same type of relationship where me and my boyfriend even switch phones for the day because my phone has unlimited data and his doesn’t. I’ll give him my phone to use if he has to go somewhere and needs a GPS to get there and if I’m not able to go with him. We play games on each other’s phones!

Now, I understand that the argument of “If he has nothing to hide, then I should be able to get the password!” will come up, especially with a, “I’m perfectly comfortable giving him MY password, why won’t he give me his?! He MUST be cheating!”

No. He just wants his own privacy somewhere. Cause seriously, maybe he doesn’t want you snooping through stuff and trying to make a big deal out of nothing? Maybe he doesn’t want you pestering and butting into things you shouldn’t be? His business doesn’t get to be all yours just because you’re dating.

I bet you we all have some level of secrets we keep from our s/o, even about our pasts. I know so much about a crazy ex of his because she happened to message him, and he got scared and concerned about it. He almost didn’t want to tell me, but I knew something was wrong. Instead of getting angry, I very calmly told her he has a new girlfriend and that I would like her to not have contact with him. Now, this isn’t to say because I was worried she would try to take him from me, God no! But I wanted her to know that I am involved in his life. And it shows him I am mature and also care about him and his concerns about her, because I squashed a bad situation before it could really start.

Plain and simple.

4.) Forcing Him to Do Things He Doesn't Want to Do

This is a list that can go from anything as manipulation through crying and guilt-tripping, to non-consensual sex. If he doesn’t want to do something, YOU DON’T FORCE HIM TO. He doesn’t want to! This isn’t about “He doesn’t really love me!” No. This is about the fact that he is a human being with feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes, etc. He has opinions. He has choices. Just because you are his girlfriend does not mean you get everything you want from him. It really doesn’t.

He is your PARTNER. Not your SERVANT. He is your EQUAL. Not anything LESS.

This is so important to understand! Men are allowed to have a choice! And you don’t get to manipulate him into changing his mind, guilt-trip him by crying and making a fool of yourself like a spoiled little girl, or by demanding it and possibly forcing it. Also, don’t turn this into a childish game of “Oh, but if you REALLY love me, then you’ll do ___!!” He has his reasons for saying ‘No!’ just as you do! Whether you like it or not, he gets to say "No." too. I don’t want to spend too much time on this one, as it should be very self-explanatory.

5.) Testing Him

This makes me so angry, as this is something that has been done with my current boyfriend multiple times by other ex-girlfriends. Don’t you DARE give your boyfriend’s phone number to another girl and try and get her to flirt and hit on him to see if he’s faithful to you. Don’t you DARE test him and make him feel like he constantly has to wonder if every little thing you guys do is going to be a test in some way. He doesn’t deserve that! Your boyfriend isn’t your lab-rat test-subject that you try to perform social experiments on just because you can and you want to be sure he’s faithful. There’s other much more mature ways of doing that!

Come on! Would you want your boyfriend giving your phone number to a stranger to see if you remain faithful to him? NO!

We don’t even like getting private messaged on facebook by a random guy who is like “Oh, hey, beautiful thing, I love your style, wanna hit up the club with me? 😉" Let alone our boyfriends giving out our phone number like it’s candy on a child’s 5th birthday party! If you wouldn’t like it done to you don’t do it to him.

6.) Don't Belittle Him/Be Mean to Him in Front of Friends

It’s okay to tease each other if you’re both laughing. But if you are berating your boyfriend, calling him names, making fun of him, and purposely making him feel bad about himself, a mistake he made, or lowering his self-esteem, that is disgusting. Our boyfriends are human. They make mistakes! But guess what? So do we, as girlfriends! We aren't above making mistakes. And our boyfriends need as much reassurance and love as we ask of them! And guess what? They typically don’t ask for it either! Remember what was said about the whole “emotions = weak” aspect? Men don’t want to be seen as weak. They are conditioned that they must be strong, so needing reassurance from their girlfriend is not something they will ask for.

And most importantly, don’t cut him down in front of his friends. Don’t hit him, don’t try and yank him around in front of them to assert your dominance over him. You wouldn’t want that done to you in front of your friends, let alone at home, you don’t get to yank him around in front of his friends too. It’s one thing if you tend to be the more outspoken one, or the one who makes decisions, but there’s a difference between that and just absolutely crushing your boyfriend in front of them. He doesn’t want to be seen as weak especially by them. It’s the alpha-male personality. They’ll either be worried and ask him questions alone to be sure he’s okay, or he’s worried they’ll turn their back on him because he can’t stand up to his girlfriend.

Now, hopefully none of these are things you do in your own relationship, but if you catch yourself doing it, don’t panic. Apologize, and work on it to better yourself. Treat your man like your Prince/King. He is your equal. He is your partner. Don’t treat him like anything less.