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Are You Upset With Me?

Why does this keep happening?

Are you upset with me? I seem to ask myself that question once a week, if not more. You never give me an answer. One day, you'll still talk to me, make jokes, ask me about my life, smile. The next day, you won't say hi back to me, you'll ignore me, you'll pretend I'm not in the room. I don't know what I did. 

We started off as friends. We talked more over the break. We went out once, maybe twice but I knew that wasn't what I wanted at the moment. I told you that and I felt bad but it was the truth. It's not that I didn't have feelings—it's that it was too fast, I wasn't ready, and I had too much to worry about. You were upset. I was upset that I made you upset. We got over it and became friends again. 

A few months later, you try flirting again but in a different way. You weren't as sweet anymore. You didn't rub my back or say nice things. You teased me, tried to annoy me, poked light fun at me. I could handle it, I'm not the type to get mad. It just wasn't who you were before. You changed when I would walk into the room. Instead of having good, thoughtful conversations, you would make over the top jokes and offend people by accident. You wouldn't talk to me like you used to. You wouldn't tell me about your family. You wouldn't talk about your problems.

Whatever, I dealt with it. You thought you succeeded in getting me mad but it turns out, you don't know me at all. If you really knew me, you'd know that I rarely get angry. I can take a joke like I can take naps—with ease. You thought the way to flirt with me was to get me mad and you failed at both. 

You did make me upset. When I said I wasn't ready, you jumped to another girl within a matter of days. When you got bored with me, you went right back to her. Why did you keep hopping back and forth? Was I the back up or was she? You've apparently been so sweet and gentle around her but to me you get hot and cold. 

Another few months pass. We just got back from Christmas break. We're talking, chatting. We're friends again. We send each other memes. One day, I wave at you and you don't wave back. Okay, maybe you've just had a rough day. The next few days, same thing. No smile, no greeting, no acknowledgement, no nothing. I'm a little angry but I don't show it. I still smile and wave even though I know I won't get a reply. I text you and say that I know you're stressed because of midterms and I'm sorry if I did anything wrong but I'm here for you if you need me to be. No answer. Left on read. Two weeks pass and I slowly give up on waving, smiling. Sometimes by accident, due to instinct, I'll wave but I know it won't be reciprocated. I give up. I delete our texts. It feels like a breakup but we were never together. I don't know why I'm so upset over this. I know I shouldn't be. I don't want to be. 

You're normal. You're yourself around everyone but as soon as I enter the room, you leave. You say hi to everyone accompanied by their name, but nothing for me. 

Weeks later, I'm studying in a common space and I know you don't want to be in the same room with me so I mind my own business. To my surprise, you sit in the same room at a different spot and start doing work on your own. Not expecting anything from you, I sit down on the floor and do my work there. It's been days since I stopped trying with you. For some reason, you come over and sit beside me on the ground. You chat with me like normal, you ask if I want your help studying, and you talk to me about my injured leg and my cold. 

It was nice. It felt like normal. 

I had to go to bed so I said goodnight and you said it back. I left feeling confused, frustrated, happy, at ease. 

Why do you do this? Why do you hate me then love me? Why won't you talk to me? Will this keep happening?

Are you upset with me?

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