Asexual Dating

There's something that's always terrifying about being on a first date. Most of the time, I'm quite open about my sexuality beforehand, knowing that it'll be a deal breaker for almost every person I meet. If someone asks me on a date, I'll typically blurt it out without even thinking because I don't want anyone getting uncomfortable or pushing me into something that I don't want. They usually lose interest.

But, a few months back, I met someone who I was lucky enough to keep. I love her more than I ever thought possible, but that hasn't been without a few bumps along the way. So without further ado, here's some advice for people who's potential partner identifies as asexual.

First of all, a quick definition for those who might be confused. Asexuals are people who feel little to no sexual attraction. Asexuality is a spectrum, just like most sexualities, and some asexuals will have sex on occasion while others will not.

If you begin a relationship with an asexual person, do not assume where on the spectrum they lie, but don't sit around hoping they're someone who will have sex. Wait until an appropriate time, and have a conversation with them. Talk to your partner about it, and if they say no, don't think you can change their mind by pushing harder.

Remember, no means no. You can not "fix" an asexual person because we are not broken. If you can't live without sex, then don't date an asexual because you'll both end up disappointed. If they don't want to have sex, don't act like they should anyways because you were a nice person for dating them. We can get dates and be in healthy relationships, and just because you take someone to dinner doesn't mean they owe you something.

Do not assume that an asexual person wants an open relationship. Many of us want monogamy just like anyone else, and pushing for an open relationship can make your partner feel like they aren't enough for you or that you don't really want them. Listen to and understand your partner's side of things. And under no circumstances should you ever cheat. It's just like any other relationship; you have to have a foundation of trust for things to work out.

I, personally, do get self conscious. After being in so many relationships where my partner acted as though it was cruel of me to withhold sex, I worry that I'm not gonna be enough for my current partner. I cannot speak for all asexuals on this point, but I do know that many worry about opening up. I have been assaulted because I didn't "put out" and I'm constantly afraid that it will happen again, and many asexuals have been through the same things.

Do not think that you can fix the emotional damage if a person has had this experience. Just remember to love and support your partner no matter what. Don't push yourself on them, and don't be afraid to communicate. Work through issues, don't just give up.

We are people, we want love and friends just like any other person. Don't give up on us just because of one aspect of the relationship. We are willing to talk about it and make things work. Just don't be afraid to give us a chance.