Attraction, Awkwardness, and One Too Many Sangrias

I suffer from a condition called "Misplaced Flirtation" (Yes I came up with this myself, It's hella made up). This basically means that I have zero problems talking to guys...when I'm not attracted to them. Because of this, I have been in many a situation where my general friendliness towards guys was taken as "she wants to date me." (To any guys reading this...you know who you are). Because of this unfortunate condition, it means that I actually can't function like a normal human being when I'm around guys that I really do like. Chances are if you are a guy, and I think you are oh so cute...I will do one of 3 things: 1. Say nothing to you and come off as stand-offish. 2. I'll get really tongue-tied and awkward, saying something that may or may not sound like the English language. 2. Finally, I may try to hide from you via behind a laptop, my friends, or the nearest piece of food, typically sushi.

So when I tell people that I'm actually pretty bad at flirting. Like I am actually bad at it. It's pitiful (and high key cringy). So imagine my distress when your girl is not only confronted by probably the cutest guy he has met in New York but also has to sit at dinner with him in front of family members. Warning: Sangria was consumed in the making of this uncomfy interaction. (Drink responsibly kids).

THIS IS WHY I SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE ON SUNDAYS.

I was completely prepared to just chill on the couch on Sunday, binging The Flash (Barry Allen and Iris West Forevs), doing some maintenance on the site, and all in all being a lazy human being. But everything changed when my aunt said that we were having dinner with Thad that night.

Now, first of all, I had no idea who this guy was, nor was I excited to have dinner with him. I mean honestly, I was 1000% not in the mood to talk to people. But I just said okay and decided to try and look like a decent human being. So in true Ari fashion, I threw on my most favorite flower jeans and spaghetti strapped rose pink top, fluffed up my hair a bit, threw some lipstick on, and deemed myself okay enough for dinner. I mean I was resigned with the fact that this dude would probs be older than me by at least 20 to 30 years, so like no point in trying to be a dime.

Picture my surprise whenever my aunt called me to the entryway to meet Thad.

I AM SHOOK.

So I drag my body off the couch completely exhausted and over this whole dinner, that hasn’t even started yet, and behold; a tall, brunette, handsome young man with a jawline that made my knees weak meets me at the door (let’s just say that I was grateful that my top showed off some cleavage and that I took the time to put on lipstick). And all of a sudden… I automatically wasn’t able to act like a human. And when he reached out to shake my hand… it was over. Like I was dead and alive at the same time, and I was also mad! Because here I am with no prior knowledge that my Aunt was going to drop her hot new intern on me like how Beyoncé dropped her Lemonade album! And just like Beyoncé’s album, I was left shook and wanting more. My shock only continued when he entered my pseudo-bedroom space, sat down, and started talking to me, rather than go and earn brownie points with his new boss, my aunt.

So we made some small talk until my Aunt summoned him into the kitchen (which gave me time to have about 5 mini heart attacks over his hotness). After a while, I joined them in the kitchen and Thad was invited to join us for dinner. And then true to form things just got 200 times more awkward and I got 20 times more tipsy than I should have.

SANGRIA TIME LAPSE

Dinner can only be explained in a timetable fashion, punctuated by intake of Sangria… so here we go. (Sorry Mom.)

NO SANGRIA

This just consists of me wanting a sangria really really bad because at this point I’m all nervous energy and shyness (which isn’t me…well the nervous energy is, but I am NOT shy). I sit down next to Thad and try to arrange myself so it doesn’t look like I’m leaning towards him (At this point I’m just shy and not sure what to do, and I’m afraid that my attraction to him coming off as obvious). Talk around the table ensues, and it’s all pretty casual, but I only contribute a little bit. So this is like a typical “Ari is attracted but can’t flirt at all” situation. I want to talk to him, but I’m also wildly self-conscious about the smallest idea of interaction with him… because I could fudge it up…

Ari Status: Body language is a little closed off, says some things to contribute to the conversation…all in all just genuinely not the self-sufficient, badass, confident Ari you all know.

SANGRIA #1

This consists of me internally blessing the Lord because I really needed that Sangria.

And because of this dose of courage in the form of a sweet Spanish wine, I’m less of an awkward turtle now and am now subtly making my presence known to Thad (i.e. there is some neck stretching and subtle tugs of my spaghetti strap. I KNOW! Like who am I?) Deeper conversation is being had, and Thad shows me that he is much more than a strong jawline (Which just makes me more attracted to him, like why can’t you be dumb? Then I wouldn’t like you).

Ari Status: Flirty Ari is making her way on the scene (if you can’t tell, I flirt with my body language rather than actual words since they fail me). I’m actually making conversation, and I’m not making a fool of myself. So good things are happening.

SANGRIA #2

So sangria #2 was a thing that happened because Thad was the one who offered it to me in the first place. And like how can I refuse such a handsome face (and an offer of more of my favorite drink)? At this point of the dinner, I’m most definitely feeling a healthy buzz and I have no problem contributing to the conversation and sharing some covert eye glances at Thad (which I think were returned to me in an equally flirty manner… I could be wrong). Also at this point, every time I made eye contact with my Aunt she would wink at me…yeah, I’m like 80% sure that she was well aware of my interest in her new intern.

Ari Status: Hella Flirty, Hella Talkative, Just… Hella

SANGRIA #3

Sangria #3 is also known as, “The reason Ari should have stopped at 2.” Do not get me wrong, I know how to handle my alcohol. I know my limits, I know when to stop. But honestly nerves get to you, and when you aren’t the one who is pouring your drink, it just doesn’t go well. At this point, I am no longer flirtatious or talkative, because I have reached the stage in drinking where I sit back and enjoy the environment around me. Now I know what you’re thinking “Why is that such a bad thing? You’re calm, you’re mellow!” But no this is not a good thing, at least not when I’m trying to impress and dazzle a boy! The only comfort I have during this mindset is that Thad is kinda acting the same way, so I’m not too upset.

Also, we start the fun game of “did Ari say that out loud or not?” Which consists of me thinking certain thoughts, and hoping that I never said any of them out loud. Yep, just so much fun.

Ari Status: Has now entered into the resting stage, where I want to participate and be cute and witty, but I simply don’t have the energy for it.

After dinner, we all ended up making the short walk back to the apartment, where I and Thad ended up sitting on the living room floor playing with the cutest dog ever and watching the magic Roomba do its thing. This was all happening while my Aunt sat in a chair next to us. Like I legit felt like a kindergartener on a playdate.

After a while though, Thad left, with a notion of how long I’ll be in New York for, and a vague phrase of possibly seeing more of me.

Now you would think this is the end of the story right? Because I certainly didn't have the lady balls to get his number... well that is where you're wrong my dear readers. I successfully stalked him on social media and was able to find him on Facebook.

Next on the blog, learn how to social media stalk a boy when you only have his first name (LOL).