You've met the man of your dreams, who loves you, who is mature and supportive of everything you do (well almost everything). You're star struck and you can't believe how lucky you are. There's just one speed bump you have to get over, but it seems more like a mountain. He has a child from a previous relationship (you know the one he's iffy about opening up about), and the woman he was with is a true-life nightmare. Your love triangle includes a Baby Mama, and it's the worst.
She is the mother of their child and, whether you like it or not, she will never disappear.
Not every Baby Mama is bat-s**t crazy, or spiteful but those who are, well all I can say is good luck. But why does she behave in such an irrational manner? Why the late night calls that only end in arguments? Why the contemptuous stare downs at family functions? Why does every decision have to become a war?
You may think she's bitter and she wants to reconcile her relationship with her ex. It's the most rational explanation right, plus it makes you feel like the girl on top, as though you won the grand prize that she so desperately wants. If it makes you feel good about yourself, go right ahead and continue believing it. But needless to say it's tough.
You might not have any children of your own, which could lead to you feeling isolated in your interactions between him, the child/children and his ex. While this may not be the best situation or the type of relationship you have always imagined, there are ways to make it work, even if there’s conflict involved. If you want the drama to be kept to a minimum, even if the baby’s mama hates you (but I mean how could anyone hate you), here are some things to try to keep your relationship strong and your sanity in tact.
1. Try Not to Take It Personally
There should be no reason for your man’s ex to hate you. After all, unless there is some past or something that happened to make it that way, there’s no reason for her to hate you, right? If only it were that simple, but it’s not that easy.
Most women who have a man’s child probably thought they were the one, just like you probably are thinking. They may have even gotten pregnant purposely in order to “keep” him. If she loved him, and still does love him, she probably doesn’t like you because she’s a bitter ex with bad feelings; and because she can’t have him and hasn’t moved on, she focuses all that towards you. There’s nothing you can do about that except ignore her and try not to take it personally. You may ask your man about the relationship and how it ended, but at the end of the day, his version and her version of the relationship will always be different, so trying to understand why she doesn’t like you might be futile. Just try your best to keep your distance and allow her time to get over it, it's hard to hold grudges forever. Sometimes these things just don’t make any sense, so trying to make sense of it will only make you crazy.
2. Let HIM Do the Talking
Once you realize this woman may never like you, it might be hard to keep your mouth shut if she blows up on you for no good reason. As tempting as it may be to give her the a piece of your mind, let your man do the talking when it comes to his ex. Arguing with her will only escalate the situation, and if she knows how to push your buttons, it will give her a sense of power, and she can trigger a situation where she can actually cause conflict between you and your boyfriend.
Avoid potential confrontations by telling your man how you feel and then let him handle her. The last thing you both need is to be fighting over something his ex said or did, so tell him what upsets you and then see what he does. If he does nothing, then this might not be the relationship for you because your feelings are just as valid as hers. But give him a chance to be a man and handle his business, and keep your comments to yourself.
3. Respect Her
Regardless of whether or not his ex takes a liking to you, you must always carry yourself in a way that shows respect. After all, she is his child’s mother and she will always play a major part in the child’s life, so you have to accept that…as difficult as it may be. Unless you are explicitly invited to be a part of the child’s life in a meaningful way, involving yourself in sensitive issues may only cause more drama, even if you have good intentions.
No matter how your man and his ex feel about each other, the child sees them as mommy and daddy, so they both have to get along for the child’s sake, which means you also have to have a good relationship with your boyfriend and the child’s mother. She’s not going anywhere – no matter how much you wish she might disappear – so support him, respect her and realize that if you are to remain in this relationship, she will always be a constant.
4. Talk to Her…If You Can
She is probably the LAST person you want to talk to, but maybe all you need to do to clear the air is have a friendly little chat. She may feel that you’re trying to take over her role and be the “fairy step-mother”…thus causing her to feel a little jealousy or resentment. But if she has a chance to meet with you and see what your intentions are as they pertain to her child, you can explain that you only have her child’s best interests at heart and you are in no way trying to replace her.
Invite her to coffee and let her know that you respect her role as the child’s mother and your boyfriend’s co-parent and that you simply want to support them in any way you can while staying in your own lane. If she’s a reasonable, sane person, this may be all that’s needed to keep the drama on the back burner. If she’s not, then hey..at least you tried.
5. Keep Your Business to Yourself
In the event that you actually become “friendly” with his child’s mother, realize that she is still the ex and that anything that goes on in your current relationship is strictly off-limits. Also, if your man is civil, or even friends, with his ex, you might want to remind him that any details of your relationship should remain private. They probably speak regularly since they share a child, and since they have a history, he may feel comfortable talking to his ex about everything…especially if you two have an argument. Let him know that while you respect the bond they share as parents, that bond should stop there and any discussions with her that involve the two of you would be inappropriate – especially if she’s not supportive of your relationship.
If she wants him back, she could use anything he tells her against you in order to make an argument for why they should be a family. And if she doesn’t want him back, you don’t want her thinking that you’re a ship passing in the night and there is no stable environment for their child. All she needs to know is that you are a supportive girlfriend and you two are good. That’s it. You try your best to follow these and you will shall have no problems in that department, good luck.