Back and Forth

When you first come into this world, even before then, genetics tells you what your sex is. The equipment that you're going to supposedly have for the rest of your life. These genetics don't always match what your brain has in store. Who really knows why; because I know that I don't. Maybe it's a chromosomal thing gone array that has yet to be discovered. All I know is, is that sometimes it sucks.Let me clear something up though. Sex is your physical organs. Gender is how you perceive yourself in response with your physical self. Sometimes they match, sometimes they don't. The world still goes on. For me, it's like a two-way street. Sometimes I want to go down Male Street, other days I go down Female Street.

It isn't that I CHOOSE which. It just happens the moment I wake up and start my day. It is a spontaneous reaction that happens within my mind; almost like breathing. I generally know which gender I am when I stand up because I will notice I'm "taller" even though I'm eternally 4'11. My reaction after that is "Okay, cool", and I go on. From there my breasts do not exist anymore. I don't see them, and I don't feel them, which might surprise some because I'm a D-cup. Yep, those puppies just disappear to my mind. When I look in the mirror my face will be different, more angular I guess is a good word for it, even though I'm sure it never changes at all. When it comes to bottoms going bye-bye the reaction is a coin toss. Most often I'm just "eh *shrug*" over it, but other times a sort of jealous sadness sets in, because I'm missing one thing that makes me a "man." When that jealous sadness sets in is when I know the day isn't going to go well afterward. It's worse when a partner just comes up behind me, grabs my chest, and jiggles. No one likes people doing this, first off, but my world just got shattered. In that moment, it feels like I'm waking up in a body that isn't mine around people I have no idea who the hell they are. I've suddenly stepped into the Twilight Zone with no idea how I got there. That is what it feels like. I get angry next because not only did this person not follow my one rule of Ask Before You Touch, but they are laughing like it's no big deal. I had an ex do this and his comment was, "Why aren't you wearing a bra?" Because I didn't have breasts, you asshole. Having someone who doesn't know me shatter that reality isn't that bad. It still takes me back, but I don't get angry. They called me ma'am or miss to be polite and taking me for face value. They can't read my mind and know that today I'm male.

I've had a lot of people ask me how did I know or when did it start. If someone has asked me that a few years ago I would have looked at them oddly because I didn't know what gender fluidity was. I knew that there was transgender, but I didn't fit into that and I knew that I didn't fit into solely the female gender. It wasn't until my current partner got me to know and told me, "You realize that you would be considered gender fluid." It was a super nova AH-HA! moment. All the pieces to how I felt began to fit together and I want to say that I was 21 then. I believe that it started much sooner than that. One day in the 5th grade, I woke up and was done being dressed up as a cute, little doll. I was tired of dressing up like something that I wasn't just to please people. My stepmom wanted a little girl to dress up, but even at such a young age there were days where I said in my mind, But...I'm not a girl today...why do I have to wear this?

My feelings weren't just a phase, my fashion style was, but my feelings weren't. I knew what I was, who I was at such a young age, but I didn't know a name for it. Now, I do and I embrace it. This is me. If no one likes it then they are missing out on a great person.