I have gone through a lot in the twenty-odd years I have been on this planet. I have seen things. I have had to do things I wish I didn't do. Everything took a toll on me. It took a toll on how I looked at myself. I was becoming what someone wanted me to be for a really long time. Then I finally broke FREE.
After my breakup with my ex-friend or girlfriend or whatever she was, I had to find myself again. I had to pick myself up and see myself through my eyes. Because when I was with her, it was more of me downing myself and not thinking I was good enough. I didn't love myself, and I sure wasn't being myself.
There is this thing called a BRAIN. Some tend to use it. Some tend to follow other things; like their HEART or GUT. I followed my heart when it came to this girl. I thought I was in love. I was in love. But like I said, it dragged me down. I was spiraling into a black hole. A black hole I didn't think I could get out of.
So, I had finally had enough. I knew I had enough before I even did anything. One day I just said, "The hell with it." I stopped talking to her. I couldn't keep doing this to myself. I was depressed more than I ever had been before we started going together. The thing is, I suffer from mental health issues, so it made it worse.
I stopped talking to her and decided that I was going to pick myself up and get happy. Easier than it sounds, right? It was HARD. But A year later, I am better than ever. I'll tell you how I got there. (You're probably thinking "About time.").
I started keeping up with self care and self love posts. Anything that was positive and good, I kept around me. I would tell myself that I loved ME. That I was ENOUGH. That I could go on without her. I kept this mantra up for months until I finally believed it. I still go through this mantra. Not just for her, but for myself. That is the part I had to get to—myself. I had to believe it and live it.
I am not really that good looking (I'm a girl, by the way.) I am fat/chubby. However you want to call it or see it. But this year, I changed a lot of things, so I have lost a lot of weight. That is besides the point. This is about toxic relationships.
They suck you in even when you think it is innocent. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT! DON'T STAY IN IT! So, after my mantra and getting to the place I am now, I have finally learned to love myself. I love the way I am. I love how I am. I am sarcastic, funny (sometimes), smart, and I care about a lot. I can look in the mirror and say that I love myself. Which was also hard for me to do. They say it is supposed to help and honestly, it does.
I look in the mirror and I don't pick out the bad things about myself. I pick out the good. If I start thinking or seeing bad, even if it is just one thing, I put three or more positives to that one negative thing.
Being myself was hard with her. I am someone who doesn't care if you are a girl, male, ftm, mtf, pansexual, bisexual, or etc. You are human and you are a person with feelings. If I have that connection, then I want to see on what spectrum we will fall on. Meaning the spectrum of friendship to relationship.
I couldn't be that person with her. I knew that her parents didn't like the lgbtq+ community. That they were totally against it, which made it hard for me to be myself because I love the lgbtq+ community. I am part of that community. I had to hide myself with her. I didn't like it.
Some people may think, well couldn't you wait it out? OR was there anyway it could have worked? No. There was no way it could have worked. She was hiding me. I was hiding myself even more than she was. One her parents. Two because she got VERY jealous. I couldn't even say some girl or guy who was a celebrity, that I would never meet, was good looking or pretty. That set her off.
Getting out of that TOXIC RELATIONSHIP was the BEST thing I had ever done for myself. It took me over ten years, but I did it. If I can do it, anyone can. It was hard to tell myself that I was enough and loved myself. It was even harder to be myself. But now, I can say I love myself. I can say that I am enough. I can say that I can be who I am.
Because I am me. I am part of the lgbtq+ community. I am proud of that. I am proud of myself because I love myself. I am proud of myself because I know I am enough.
The thing is, you don't have to be enough for someone else. You don't have to have someone to love you to love yourself. You don't have to hide yourself because someone wants to keep things hidden. That is NOT love.
You be enough for you. You love yourself for yourself. You don't hide who you are. Because that you, is beautiful and amazing. Don't hide.
There are signs to TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS.
- They get jealous, EASILY.
- They don't want you to have any other friends.
- They don't want you to have anyone.
- They make sure you are up to their standards.
- They get mad even if you look in the direction of someone.
- They want you to keep things a secret.
- They want you around 24/7.
- They want it to be all about them.
- They play you.
- They don't love you.
If you are in a TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, don't let it get you down and get out. It will be hard. You will think no one will love you the way they did. But wrong. The one person who will love you and not hide you and know you are enough is YOU. It doesn't mean you are egotistical. It means that you know who you are and what you want.