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Beautiful Abandonment

I want deep love before I die.

Is love an illusion?

I took notice in each session Clarice would add a little touch of glam necessary adjustments I definitely approved. During the last meeting, she encourages me to avoid the opposite sex. "Go cold turkey." She suggested I go cold turkey for a few months. This would somehow help identify where you need healing and growth. Maybe there's something I needed to pay attention to as blowing off a few dates shouldn't hurt. My eyes gravitated to Clarice's lips as she revealed the truth, I needed space to reflect on the real issues, and the only way to do that is a little solitude—remove the mask I've been wearing for a long time. I glanced at my phone filled with Johns I hardly knew, Clarice understood it wasn't about sex, men were space fillers, time killers, it was more about feeling desired—the art of seduction—baiting them in and releasing the hook before they could get a chance.

My first day going cold turkey was hard, desirability is like a high. It felt like a deep depression. I snickered at myself out of embarrassment. I try to brush it off by keeping busy with work. That afternoon, Malcolm, my new favorite guy texted. Ater talking to Clarice, I hesitated wondering if should I blow him off? I was so intrigued by this man; his conversation was different. When he spoke it wasn't just words coming out of his mouth about his cultural circumstances. There was meaning, clarity and depth he was a natural intellect that shared the same passion for life as I did. We both clung to the idea of one day having a real relationship that didn't just make sense on paper; it should have deep respect with a significant amount of passion, love and an understanding that forms into a friendship over the years. Unfortunately, I was married, and so was he. He wanted to meet for drinks; I accepted. As I was getting dressed my thoughts were getting the best of me I can hear Clarice words tugging at my conscience. If I go on this date I'll be stagnating my healing.

I arrived at 8:30 as planned. I took a seat toward the back of the dim lit lounge.

Mitch was my waiter for the evening; I ordered the house merlot before going to the ladies room. I can feel the stares which demand me to keep my confidence. My Egyptian mixed Asian eyes, and long dark hair, makeup was light enough to know I had a natural beauty that made most assured women look twice. My mother was a gorgeous woman; a 30-year lasting marriage and five children tamed her beauty. Something I aspired for was that another illusion of mines, something I thought was my path too, find a suitable suitor and he leads me with pride, pretty presumptuous I suppose.

Lover boy was running late; he finally sends a text he'll be arriving in 20 minutes, great not only am I blowing off my healing, but I have to listen to the little voice Clarice telling me I told you so. The waiter returns with my drink; I casually put my phone away as he attempts to make small talk. I smiled. He was lured into my melanin butterscotch complexion, dressed in blue jeans that revealed the intimate parts of my legs, coupled with a cream silk-like shirt with a tail that button above my navel exposing my edgy tattoo. Mitch was the dark hair blue eye caucasian chef working as a waiter for the night a bit thicker then I like them, but he had this irresistible laugh. Mitch was impelled to open the doors to his life, he was divorced, and had gone through an ugly ending, he shares how he took off with their five kids and traveled across the 50 states. 


"I want to find a great love before I die." - Malcolm

Halfway through my first glass, in walks in this dark chocolate 5’11 kinky hair confident African American, enough energy to turn my head. I sensed his vibe from across the room. Greeting each other with a smile, we hugged and went outside for more privacy; it was a slow night. The vibe took off from their eye contact, flirting, and laughter filled the cold night air the fire burning to keep us warm on the restaurants' patio. We talked for hours about life, our understanding of love, and simply being. Time was slipping by. We both needed to get home. He picks up the check then led the way to out. Coincidentally, our cars were parked close. However, he decided to open his passenger side door as a suggestion to get in his car. We talked for a while, low mellow tones hinting our deep attraction for one another the energy worked itself up so intensely. He leans in for a kiss, our eyes met and locked as he backed away he was entirely beautiful. The car windows fogged from the heat we just created, Malcolm pauses for a few seconds calmly expressed how he's taken by the instant connection we've shared. He wants to see me again, but it's time for me to get home I can't seem to answer him, I give a slight smile and exit his car, "Good night beautiful!" as he pulls me for one last kiss.

As the night ends...

"Love that's never cultivated is like an empty home without care." - Emptiness

Driving home, I found myself in deep thought. I yearn fulfillment in so many ways in my marriage, why is it this complicated to get on the right end of the relationship?

Our marriage is so far gone, it's like living in an abandoned home. I can find attraction anywhere, but what I want the most is the love I used to know. Was my love with William an illusion? Did I dream of this amazing marriage to a man I hardly know? I love William, but he has hurt me too much to turn back now. I'll take some time away from the world, for now, to find who I am.

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