Becoming Me

Part One:

Ever since I was a kid, I had always been just one of the guys. Playing sports, riding bikes, complete “tomboy” as others would have described me growing up. Pretty much if the boys were doing it, then I was right there with them. Staying inside and playing with dolls or doing my hair in pretty little dresses just wasn’t for me. Once I could dress myself my wardrobe quickly became a ponytail for my long hair to be thrown up in, my heads and oversized t-shirts would do well for the games we’d play as kids. Muddy sneakers thrown off in the grass so we could all feel the squishy mud between our toes. I was just one of the guys. Although on the outside there was something different about me. I was born a female with all the correct female parts. Yet something inside always seemed off to me.

As I got older, when some of the few girls I had as friends started to like boys and want to dress up to get the attention of the boys at school, I wanted nothing to do with all of that. I never had the desire to dress up and get all girly for some dude to ogle at me. Not that I had all that much to ogle at anyway. I had always had a broader build when it came to the other girls. My shoulders reminded my mother of a football players, in fact she often would comment that I walked like a football player. I didn’t really know what that meant. After all I just walked the way I walked. I didn’t have the chick swagger so to speak. The whole shaking of the hips that caught the attention of all the pre-teen guys in school. In fact I often caught myself watching the way some of the girls would shake their ass as they walked down the halls.

At the early age of 12, my body decided to betray me. I got my first period. I knew it was bound to happen considering the body I was in. So it honestly didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I remember getting ready to head outside for the day to play some football with the guys and made a pitstop to the bathroom. I’ll spare the details of course, but I did what needed to be done and went about my day. I was after all in a female body and I knew that a period was needed in order to keep it healthy, so I quickly accepted it. Luckily I wasn’t like most of my girl friends who developed a big chest from puberty. I stayed around a smaller cup size and didn’t even need a bra until late middle school, which was perfectly fine with me. Although when I did get one it was a tight sports bra to keep the things as close to my chest as possible.

Not long after my period came, so did a boy. His name was Derrick, he was always around hanging out with me and my guy friends. He played football with my best guy friend at the time. At the time I kept getting hounded as to why I didn’t want a boyfriend by a few of the girls I did hang out with. I really just wasn’t interested in all of that shit just yet. It was more fun to tackle and take hits then it was to sit on the side lines and cheer on some dude that I could play better than. However I decided to say fuck it and started dating Derrick. He was a nice guy. We had the history of the friendship so that was basically how the relationship was at first. We all continued to play sports and everything was good. He was the first kiss with a boy, first hand hold and all that puppy dog “love” bullshit all teenagers have. Yet it just never felt right. And my eyes kept drifting to females. So Derrick and I ended not so long after. We decided that we were better as just friends. 1. I wasn’t girly enough and 2. i was not about to cheer his ass on. So friends it was.

There was a girl in the neighborhood who had just moved in, I’ll leave her nameless and just call her C. We were friends within a couple of days. Actually met her by stopping her and her sister while they were riding bikes around the neighborhood and asked if she wanted to hangout with me and Brad, my best guy friend at the time. We were all interested in the new girl anyway, so of course they sent me to do the dirty work. Little did they know…

We hit it off pretty well actually considering she was a girly girl. Meaning that she liked doing her nails and her hair. We’d sit and talk for hours while she did her nails and would beg me to let her do mine just once. Told her sure if she came and watched us play some football and she agreed eager to put some polish on my nails.

When I was growing up, I’m sure there were plenty of gay people around, but it wasn’t really a term that was heard of or spoke of. I lived in a small town, so everything that I was feeling just wasn’t normal. They damn sure wouldn’t understand the term transgendered, shit I don’t even think anything like that was even known about yet. Anyway, because of that, I backed away and stayed only friends with her and let Brad have his shot. At least until her and I were alone. She had asked me if I had ever kissed anyone. Apparently she had been thinking about kissing Brad and didn’t want to be bad at it. Or whatever the reasoning she wanted to give, I told her yes I had kissed Derrick when we were together. She said what about a girl? I hadn’t, I mean to be honest sure I have thought about it because I would often stare at her lips for just that reason. But I was NOT about to say shit about that to her. So I told her no I had never kissed a girl before. She leaned in and kissed my cheek. She sat back and watched me, her cheeks growing pink. And from there she would always find a reason to lean over and kiss my cheek. I didn’t mind, sure Brad didn’t like it but I didn’t really care at that point. Finally she laid one on my lips and it caught me by surprise at first. I hadn’t been expecting it, not that it bothered me. From there our friendship just seemed to grow…until her older sister walked in on a kiss and that was that. We were no longer friends after that one. Her parents were real religious and they didn’t want their daughter to go to hell or some shit.

Fast forward to today. I am currently 30 years old and living my life as a man. A straight man. I’ve only been on Testosterone for 43 weeks but already the changes have been amazing. The journey is far from over and if you keep reading I’ll continue to fill you in.